The Simpsons (TV Series)
A Star Is Burns (1995)
Harry Shearer: Kent Brockman, Principal Skinner, Ned Flanders, God, Rainier Wolfcastle, Montgomery Burns, Waylon Smithers, Scratchy
Quotes
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Mr. Burns : OK, Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler.
Sr. Spielbergo : Schindler es muy bueno, Senor Burns es el diablo.
Mr. Burns : Pish posh! Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod! We're both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, damn it!
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Jay Sherman : Welcome to "Coming Attractions". I'm your host, Jay Sherman. Thank you. Tonight, we review an aging Charles Bronson in "Death Wish 9."
[Charles Bronson is in a hospital bed]
Charles Bronson : I wish I was dead. Oy!
Jay Sherman : But first, we have a special guest: Rainer Wolfcastle, star of the reprehensible McBain movies.
Rainer Wolfcastle : Jay, my new film is a mixture of action und comedy. It's called "McBain: Let's Get Silly."
[Cut to clip from movie showing McBain with a microphone in front of a brick wall]
Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain : Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up?
[pause]
Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain : That's the joke.
Man in audience : You suck, McBain!
[McBain pulls a machine gun and fires into the audience]
Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain : Now, my Woody Allen impression: I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls.
Man in audience : Hey, that really sucked!
[McBain pulls the pin on a grenade and tosses it at him]
Rainer Wolfcastle : [Cut back to Rainer and Jay] The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost $80 million.
Jay Sherman : [contemptuous] How do you sleep at night?
Rainer Wolfcastle : On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies.
Jay Sherman : Just asking. Yeesh!
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Smithers : Sir, the actors are here to audition for the part of you.
Montgomery Burns : Excellent.
[a policeman wheels Hannibal Lecter in]
Hannibal Lecter : Excellent.
[makes the infamous slurping sound]
Montgomery Burns : Next.
William Shatner : Exc-ell-ent.
Montgomery Burns : Next.
Homer : Exactly.
[chuckles]
Homer : D'oh!
Montgomery Burns : [irritated] Next!
Bumblebee Man : ¡Excellente!
Sr. Spielbergo : Es muy bueno.
Montgomery Burns : Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.
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Marge : Well, it was a lovely festival. The best movie won, and Mr. Burns found there are some awards that can't be bought.
Rainer Wolfcastle : ["Six months later"] And the Oscar goes to...
Montgomery Burns : Oh, I've got to win this one! I bribed everyone in Hollywood.
Rainer Wolfcastle : ...George C. Scott in "Man Getting Hit By Football".
[everyone applauds; Burns steams. A screen shows George C. Scott getting hit in the groin by a football]
George C. Scott : [doubling over] Aargh! My groin!
[falls to the ground, moaning]
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Jay Sherman : Hey, McBain. Your shoe's untied.
Rainer Wolfcastle : [after many hours pass] Upon closer inspection, these appear to be loafers.
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[filming a re-creation of the story of Moses, the Flanders are alarmed when the river current sweeps Tod away from them]
Tod Flanders : Help meeeeeeeeeee...!
Ned Flanders : [praying] Flanders to God, Flanders to God! Get off your cloud and save my Tod!
[a bolt of lightning hits a tree, knocking it into the river to stop Tod]
Ned Flanders : Thanks, God!
God : [from heaven] Okily-dokily!
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Smithers : I'm afraid we have a bad image, sir; market research shows people see you as something of an ogre.
Mr. Burns : I outta club 'em and eat their bones!
Smithers : Heh heh, well maybe this film festival can help us. A film biography might help them to get to know the real you: virtuous, heroic, nubile...
Mr. Burns : You left out pleasant!
[clubbing Smithers over the head]