- Newspaper Tour Guide: And each paper contains a certain percentage of recycled paper.
- Lisa: What percentage is that?
- Newspaper Tour Guide: Zero. Zero is a percent, isn't it?
- Homer: Well here we are kids... the zoo.
- Bart Simpson: That's great dad, except you were supposed to take us to the newspaper.
- [Writing a food review]
- Homer: The bread was... the bread was...
- Santa's Little Helper: Ruff.
- Homer: You've been pitching that one all night.
- Santa's Little Helper: Chewy?
- Marge: Only your father could take a part-time job at a small town paper and wind up the target of international assassins.
- Homer: [writing a restaurant review] So come to The Legless Frog, if you want to get sick and die and leave a big garlicky corpse. P.S., parking was ample.
- [while spying on Homer at the food festival]
- Captain McCallister: Homer's undone the top button on his pants.
- Akira: He's been walking around like that since Thanksgiving.
- Captain McCallister: I'm surprised he doesn't just switch to sweat pants.
- Akira: He says the crotch wears out too fast.
- Captain McCallister: [shudders] That'll replace the whale in my nightmares!
- Homer: And "The Cosby Mysteries" - that show had limitless possibilities!
- [strangling Garth Trelawney's tux]
- Editor: [Reading the essay written by Lisa] Not bad. Not bad at all! We're gonna run this on page one... of section H-2.