The Simpsons (TV Series)
Missionary: Impossible (2000)
Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Brother #2, Oscar the Grouch, Elmo, Rupert Murdoch
Photos
Quotes
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Oscar the Grouch : Give us the money!
Elmo : Elmo knows where you live!
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[Phone rings]
Rupert Murdoch : Hello, Murdoch here... 10,000 dollars? You've saved my network.
Bart : Wouldn't be the first time.
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Homer : If the Flintstones have taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement.
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Homer : Save me Jeebus!
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Betty White : You don't have the money do you Homer?
Homer : [shakes his head] Mm mm.
Betty White : And you thought you could just stab your problems away?
Homer : [nods his head] Mm hmm.
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Homer : Hey, what happened to all the shirtless girls you see in the geographical magazines?
Island Native #1 : [pointing to another island in the distance] All the naked woman are on that island.
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Homer : [runs into church] Sanctuary. Sanctuary.
Rev. Lovejoy : Oh, why did I teach him that word?
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[after helping the islanders build a church]
Homer : Well, I may not know much about God, but I'd have to say we built a pretty nice cage for Him.
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Homer : Greg and Amy, Greg and Amy, why don't you just *marry* Greg and Amy?
Island Native #1 : [looks to other island native] I told you we should have asked them
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Betty White : And now for the moment of generosity.
Homer : Will cash be okay?
Betty White : Absolutely.
Homer : Well, then we got a problem. The banks are closed by now.
Betty White : It's 12:15.
Homer : Maybe your movie star banks are open crazy hours, but we in Springfield are simple folk. We like our cars fast and our banks closed.
[seeing the angry looks]
Homer : Okay, fine, we'll go down there, but they're not going to be open.
[cut to the bank, which goes about business as usual]
Homer : Yeah... it's a real ghost town in there.
PBS Host : [with a sarcastic amused laugh] Get in there.
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[first lines]
PBS Announcer : You're watching PBS.
[Cut to the Thames opening logo]
Bart Simpson : YOU'RE watching PBS?
Homer : Hey, I'm as surprised as you, but I've stumbled upon the most delicious British sitcom.
Bart Simpson : [seeing the title] "Do Shut Up"?
Homer : It's about a hard-drinking yet loving family of soccer hooligans. If they're not having a go with a bird, they're having a row with a wanker.
Bart Simpson : Cheeky.
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PBS Host : With your donation, you'll receive this classic PBS tote bag.
Betty White : Or this umbrella featuring a picture of our classic tote bag.
PBS Host : And the next 20 callers will get this album of museum noises. Now your music room can sound just like the Metropolitan Museum in New York.
[sound of footsteps and a security guard clearing his throat]
PBS Host : Outstanding.
Homer : Why are you torturing me? I'm just a man!
Betty White : You know, I've worked with so many legendary actors over the years who could be counted on to "phone it in." Well, now it's your turn to phone it in; your pledge, that is. Please. Please! We're only $10,000 away from returning to our show.
Homer : Well, why didn't you say so?
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Homer : [asking Reverend Lovejoy to hide him from PBS] Please help me. I'll do anything. I'll light a candle. I'll help with your next charity scam.
Rev. Lovejoy : The word is "drive."
Homer : Sure, sure. Bob's your uncle. Let's just get out of here.
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Homer : I'd like to withdraw $10,000, please.
Bank Teller : [reading the note passed to him] "You are on television. Please play along." Are you robbing me?
Homer : [whispering] I'll pay you later.
PBS Host : Um, is there a problem, Mr. Simpson?
Homer : Uh... . why, no. Uh, everything is just...
[grabbing a pen, he tries to stab the host, but the short chain prevents it]
Homer : Ohh! I can't do it! I can't kill a man.
[changing his hand position, he tries again]
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Betty White : If you like great PBS programs like "Do Shut Up" and "Shut Your Gob," you'll want to support our pledge drive.
Bart : Pledge drive? Ugh!
PBS Host : That's right, Betty White.
Betty White : Absolutely. If you watch even one second of PBS and don't contribute, you're a thief. A common thief.
PBS Host : Okay, take it easy, Betty.
Betty White : Sorry, but these thieves make me so damn mad. You know who you are. Thieves!
Homer : You're mad? Where's my show?
PBS Host : And now it's time to go back to "Do Shut Up."
Homer : Finally.
PBS Host : But first...
Homer : [disappointed groan] Ohh!
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Rev. Lovejoy : We'll send you someplace safe 'til the heat dies down.
Homer : Great, but why am I on a plane?
Rev. Lovejoy : Homer, how would you like to be a missionary in the South Pacific?
Homer : South Pacific? I didn't agree to...
[Lovejoy shuts the hatch, and the plane takes off]
Homer : [running to the cockpit] Wa-wait! I'm no missionary. I don't even believe in Jebus.
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Marge : So, you said on the phone you had something to tell me?
Rev. Lovejoy : Hmm? Oh, yes. Your husband's in Microatia.
Lisa : Microatia? That's 12,000 miles away.
Rev. Lovejoy : Uh-huh. He needed to get away for a while. I suggested missionary work, and he jumped at the idea.
Marge : Missionary work?
Bart : He's dead, isn't he?
Rev. Lovejoy : No, no. You can even keep in touch with him on this ham radio.
Homer : [over the radio] Jebus, where are you? Homer to Jebus.
[disappointed groan]
Homer : Ohh...
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Homer : Yes, I'd like to pledge $10,000 to get them to shut up. From... anonymous.
[hanging up and brushing his hands together]
Homer : Done and done.
Bart : Dad, you don't have $10,000.
Homer : Eh, how are they gonna find me?
Betty White : Folks, we just reached our goal of $10,700, and it's all thanks to one generous caller who didn't leave his name.
[Homer laughs triumphantly]
Betty White : But thanks to Insta-Trace, we've learned it's Homer Simpson of 742 Evergreen Terrace.
Homer : AHH! Oh, why did I register with Insta-Trace?
Betty White : Our pledge enforcement van will be at his house in moments.
Homer : Uh-oh. You gotta help me, Bart.
[seeing him jump out the window]
Homer : That's it, boy. Go get help.
[realizing Bart's playing on the swing set]
Homer : D'oh!
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Homer : I'm gonna teach you about religion.
Islanders : [chanting] Ooga-booga-ooga.
