The Simpsons (TV Series)

Missionary: Impossible (2000)

Betty White: Betty White

Quotes 

• Betty White : You don't have the money do you Homer?

  Homer : [shakes his head]  Mm mm.

  Betty White : And you thought you could just stab your problems away?

  Homer : [nods his head]  Mm hmm.

• Betty White : And now for the moment of generosity.

  Homer : Will cash be okay?

  Betty White : Absolutely.

  Homer : Well, then we got a problem. The banks are closed by now.

  Betty White : It's 12:15.

  Homer : Maybe your movie star banks are open crazy hours, but we in Springfield are simple folk. We like our cars fast and our banks closed.

  [seeing the angry looks] 

  Homer : Okay, fine, we'll go down there, but they're not going to be open.

  [cut to the bank, which goes about business as usual] 

  Homer : Yeah... it's a real ghost town in there.

  PBS Host : [with a sarcastic amused laugh]  Get in there.

• PBS Host : With your donation, you'll receive this classic PBS tote bag.

  Betty White : Or this umbrella featuring a picture of our classic tote bag.

  PBS Host : And the next 20 callers will get this album of museum noises. Now your music room can sound just like the Metropolitan Museum in New York.

  [sound of footsteps and a security guard clearing his throat] 

  PBS Host : Outstanding.

  Homer : Why are you torturing me? I'm just a man!

  Betty White : You know, I've worked with so many legendary actors over the years who could be counted on to "phone it in." Well, now it's your turn to phone it in; your pledge, that is. Please. Please! We're only $10,000 away from returning to our show.

  Homer : Well, why didn't you say so?

• Betty White : If you like great PBS programs like "Do Shut Up" and "Shut Your Gob," you'll want to support our pledge drive.

  Bart : Pledge drive? Ugh!

  PBS Host : That's right, Betty White.

  Betty White : Absolutely. If you watch even one second of PBS and don't contribute, you're a thief. A common thief.

  PBS Host : Okay, take it easy, Betty.

  Betty White : Sorry, but these thieves make me so damn mad. You know who you are. Thieves!

  Homer : You're mad? Where's my show?

  PBS Host : And now it's time to go back to "Do Shut Up."

  Homer : Finally.

  PBS Host : But first...

  Homer : [disappointed groan]  Ohh!

• Homer : Yes, I'd like to pledge $10,000 to get them to shut up. From... anonymous.

  [hanging up and brushing his hands together] 

  Homer : Done and done.

  Bart : Dad, you don't have $10,000.

  Homer : Eh, how are they gonna find me?

  Betty White : Folks, we just reached our goal of $10,700, and it's all thanks to one generous caller who didn't leave his name.

  [Homer laughs triumphantly] 

  Betty White : But thanks to Insta-Trace, we've learned it's Homer Simpson of 742 Evergreen Terrace.

  Homer : AHH! Oh, why did I register with Insta-Trace?

  Betty White : Our pledge enforcement van will be at his house in moments.

  Homer : Uh-oh. You gotta help me, Bart.

  [seeing him jump out the window] 

  Homer : That's it, boy. Go get help.

  [realizing Bart's playing on the swing set] 

  Homer : D'oh!