The Simpsons (TV Series)

The President Wore Pearls (2003)

Hank Azaria: Chief Wiggum, Chalmers

Quotes 

• Principal Skinner : Mm, not a cloud in the sky; a perfect day to unveil Operation S.L.A.A.A.M: So Long Athletics, Art, and Music. Care for a t-shirt?

  Chalmers : T-shirt? Why don't you just give me a sandwich board that says "male prostitute"?

• Nelson Muntz : So, when's my inauguration?

  Chalmers : [checking his watch]  Hmm, let's see... uh, when hell freezes over, tough guy.

• Principal Skinner : [counting the student body president votes]  Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. Wow, she even beat perennial write-in candidate "Skinner Sucks".

  Chalmers : Skinner! I'm worried. This girl is extremely popular and thinks for herself. She's like a female Eleanor Roosevelt.

  Principal Skinner : Yeah, the students will do anything she says. She's captured their imagination like a bright piece of construction paper.

• Lisa : You tricked me into betraying my fellow students!

  Principal Skinner : Lisa, student government is meaningless. Look at your constitution. It's written on the back of a placemat.

  Chalmers : And not a good placemat. It's from some place called Doodles.

• Kent Brockman : [reporting on the student strike]  The heart of the strike is former student body president Lisa Simpson. Her brother had this to say.

  Bart : [outside the school]  Lisa is a nut/She has a rubber butt/Every time she turns around, it goes "putt-putt".

  Kent Brockman : [back in the studio]  Indeed, but that rubber butt doesn't have much time for turning around these days. It's pointed squarely in the face of the administration.

  Chalmers : [turning a TV off]  Skinner! We have got to get these kids back in school.

  Principal Skinner : Willie, can't you turn your hose on them?

  Groundskeeper Willie : They are wee children. I'd sooner turn it on myself.

  Principal Skinner : Well, that's a good idea, too.

  Groundskeeper Willie : See, here, you nose-wiping hair-combers. Back in Edinburgh, we had a coal miner's strike. All we wanted were hats with a wee light on top. Then one day, the mine collapsed. No one made it out alive. Not even Willie.

  Chalmers : Skinner! I don't mean to interrupt your advice from the janitor, but I say cut off the head and the body will die.

  Principal Skinner : You want to get rid of Lisa? But she's such a good student.

  Chalmers : Yes, in fact, I think she's a little too good for this school.