South Park (TV Series)

Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo (1997)

Trey Parker: Stan Marsh, Eric Cartman, Mr. Garrison, Officer Barbrady, Johnson, Mr. Hankey, Scientist, Mr. Mackey, Man in Audience #1, Christmas Play Host, Randy Marsh, Philip Glass, Man in Audience #4, Mr. Hankey Playset Voiceover, Carol Singer, Santa

Photos 

Quotes 

• Cartman : [Mr Hanky just revealed himself to the kids]  That's it, I'm out of here. Talking poo is where I draw the line!

• Cartman : [singing]  Well, Kyle's mom's a bitch she's a big fat bitch. She's the biggest bitch in the whole wide. She's a stupid bitch if there ever was a bitch. She's a bitch to all the boys and girls.

  Kyle : Shut up Cartman

  Mr. Hankey : Hideho!

  Kyle : Mr Hankey.

  Cartman : Yes Kyle's mom's a bitch she's a big fat bitch.

  Mr. Hankey : Golly that isn't very nice. I sure would like to teach him lesson.

  Cartman : Have you ever met my friend Kyle's mom she's the biggest bitch in the whole wide world she's a mean old bitch and she has stupid hair. Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, she's a stupid bitch. Kyle's mom's a bitch, she's a stupid dirty bitch. Kyle's mom is a bitch.

• Mr. Hankey : Not real, eh? If I wasn't real, could I sing this merry little song?

  [singing] 

  Mr. Hankey : Santa Claus is on his way / Load of goodies on his sleigh / He'll dump them all on Christmas day / And I'll say "Howdy Ho!"

• Mr. Hankey : Hidey Ho.

• [Kyle tries to catch a snowflake on his tongue] 

  Cartman : Hey! What the hell are you doing? Jewish people can't eat Christmas snow.

  Kyle : We can too!

  Stan : No, I think it's against the law, dude.

  Kyle : Officer Barbrady!

  Officer Barbrady : [while stopping a car]  What?

  Kyle : Is it illegal for Jews to eat Christmas snow?

  Officer Barbrady : Yes.

  Kyle : Dammit!

• Stan : You guys, I'm getting that John Elway football helmet for Christmas.

  Cartman : How do you know?

  Stan : 'Cause I looked in my parents' closet last night.

  Cartman : Yeah, well I sneaked around my mum's closet too and saw what I'm getting. The Ultravibe Pleasure 2000.

  Stan : What's that?

  Cartman : I don't know but it sounds pretty sweet.

• Sheila Broflovski : [objecting to a Christmas symbol]  It's offensive to the Jewish community!

  Mr. Garrison : You are the Jewish community!

• Mayor McDaniels : Okay, just what the heck is going on here, people?

  Citizen : Mayor, we are deeply offended by the nativity scene in front of the state office. Church and state are separate!

  Crowd : Yeah!

  Sheila Broflovski : That isn't all, Mayor. The school play is doing a nativity scene. It isn't being sensitive to the Jewish community.

  Mr. Garrison : You ARE the Jewish community!

  Cartman : Oh boy. Super bitch is at it again!

  Kyle : Don't call my mom a bitch, Cartman!

  Father Maxey : Mayor, the nativity is what Christmas is about. If you remove Christ, you must remove Santa and Frosty and all that garbage too!

  Crowd : Hallelujah! Amen!

  Tree Lover : And we must put a stop to the cutting down of Christmas trees!

  Crowd : Yeah!

  Jimbo Kern : And I am sick and tired of those little flaps on coffee lids. If you don't want to spill your coffee, then you shouldn't be driving with it!

  [pause] 

  Crowd : Yeah!

• Stan : [Kyle arrives at the bus stop with a box]  What's in the box dude?

  Kyle : It's a surprise

  Cartman : Let me see!

  Kyle : Oh okay but don't scare him

  [opens the box to reveal Mr. Hankey as an inanimate turd] 

  Stan : Dude, sick!

  Cartman : Is this some kind of Jewish tradition?

  Kenny : [muffled]  That is the sickest think I have ever fucking seen!

  Kyle : Wait you guys he's alive!

  [shakes box to no avail] 

  Stan : Kyle I think you'd better get home and get some sleep

  Kyle : [shakes box harder]  Come on dance, dance!, dance damn you!

• Mr. Garrison : Oh my lord Kyle, did you just throw a Doo-Doo at Eric?

• Mr. Garrison : Kenny, would you please climb that ladder and take down the star above the stage? And be careful not to fall in that little pool below you, Kenny. The shark for the third act is in there.