South Park (TV Series)

Sexual Harassment Panda (1999)

Matt Stone: Kyle Broflovski, Kenny McCormick, Sexual Harassment Panda's Singing Voice, Gerald Broflovski, Bailiff, Pip Pirrup, Craig, Tweek Tweak, Bartende, Willy the Don't Stare Directly Into the Sun Worm, Happy the Don't Do Stuff that Might Irritate Your Inner-Ear Badger, Man in Court #2

Quotes 

• Gerald Brofloski : You see, Kyle, we live in a liberal-democratic society, and democrats make sexual harassment laws, these laws tell us what we can and can't say in the work place, and what we can and can't do in the work place.

  Kyle Broflovski : Isn't that fascism?

  Gerald Brofloski : No, because we don't call it fascism.

• Gerald Brofloski : Principal Victoria, were you aware that my client was being sexually harassed at your school?

  Principal Victoria : Well, not any more than any other student.

  Gerald Brofloski : Oh, so you admit that harassment goes on?

  Principal Victoria : I don't know!

  Gerald Brofloski : You don't know? You're the principal?

  Principal Victoria : I can't be around every second!

  Gerald Brofloski : So it does go on!

  Principal Victoria : Alright, alright. I killed him! I hit him over the head and cut up the body! I tried to burn it, but it wouldn't burn! Oh, the smell of it! I put the legs in garbage bags and hid the torso under a bridge. I had to do it!

  [Principal victoria sobs in panic] 

  Principal Victoria : Oh God!

  Gerald Brofloski : Principal Victoria, was Eric Cartman called an ass-sucker? Yes or no?

  [Principal Victoria stops crying] 

  Principal Victoria : I believe so, yes.

• Gerald Brofloski : Last, I'd like to bring up my expert witness: Sexual Harassment Panda.

  [Sexual Harassment Panda approaches the court] 

  Sexual Harassment Panda : [singing]  Who lives in the east 'neath a willer tree? Sexual Harassment Panda.

  Gerald Brofloski : Expert witness, did South Park Elementary allow sexual harassment to go on?

  Sexual Harassment Panda : Well, when one little panda asks another little panda to perform oral sex, that is sexual harassment.

  Gerald Brofloski : And who is to blame?

  Sexual Harassment Panda : I'm afraid the law states that the school must be held responsible.

  [Gerald points toward the gallery] 

  Gerald Brofloski : There you have it! Straight from the horse's mouth!

  Sexual Harassment Panda : Panda.

  Gerald Brofloski : P-Panda's mouth.

• Judge Julie : Answer the question. Did you know that sexual harassment was going on in the classroom?

  Mr. Garrison : No, I had no friggin idea.

  Gerald Brofloski : Mr. Garrison, do you know the definition of sexual harassment?

  Mr. Garrison : Of course, and so does Mr. Hat! We do no tolerate sexual harassment!

  Judge Julie : You are the witness here, Mr. Garrison, not Mr. Hat.

  Mr. Garrison : I'm sorry, toots.

  Gerald Brofloski : Did you or did you not hear my client being called an ass-sucker?

  Mr. Garrison : Yes.

  Gerald Brofloski : And you did nothing?

  Mr. Garrison : He is a little ass-sucker.

  [the gallery laughs] 

  Judge Julie : Mr. Garrison, I will remind you that we are in court!

  Mr. Garrison : Okay, baby, I'm sorry.

• Gerald Brofloski : Kids, are you tired of being harassed at school? Sick of being called a 'homo'? A 'farty pants'? A 'butt... face'? Then call me, Kyle's dad, and I'll help you...

  [Gerald shuts his briefcase] 

  Gerald Brofloski : ...close the lid on sexual harassment in school!

  Principal Victoria : After a boy in class tried to put his tongue in my mouth, I knew I needed legal help. Kyle's dad helped me get a $1.6 million settlement, and this bright new shiny bicycle! Thank you, Kyle's dad!

  [Clyde is on a yacht] 

  Clyde Donovan : Kyle's dad got me $1.4 million and he can do it for you too! Just look at all these beautiful girls!

  Gerald Brofloski : So call me, Kyle's dad! Because it's not about money, it's about...

  [pause] 

  Gerald Brofloski : Wait, what am I saying? Call me!

  [Gerald jumps up for joy] 

  Gerald Brofloski : [Commercial jingle: Kids picking on you, well, don't be sad, just sue their asses with Kyle's dad!] 

• [the boys arrive at the Island of Misfit Mascots Commune] 

  Willy the Don't Stare Directly Into the Sun Worm : Hello there, boys.

  Stan Marsh : Whoa, who are you?

  Willy the Don't Stare Directly Into the Sun Worm : I'm Willy the Don't Stare Directly Into the Sun Worm. Now you boys know not to stare directly into the sun, right?

  Stan Marsh , Kyle Broflovski , Eric Cartman , Kenny McCormick : Yes.

  [Willy grabs a white cane and puts on a pair of sunglasses] 

  Willy the Don't Stare Directly Into the Sun Worm : That can burn your retinas and make you blind.

  [pause] 

  Stan Marsh : Thanks a lot, dude.

  Oinky the Run Around with Scissors Pig : Oink, oink! Be sure to run around with scissors, says Oinky the Run Around with Scissors Pig!

  Eric Cartman : I thought you weren't supposed to run around with scissors.

  Willy the Don't Stare Directly Into the Sun Worm : That's why he's on the Island of Misfit Mascots.

  Stan Marsh : Have you seen any panda bears?

  Willy the Don't Stare Directly Into the Sun Worm : Hmmm...

  Jimmy the Don't Hold on to a Large Magnet Whilst Somebody Else Uses a Fan Nearby Falcon : Hey kids. I'm Jimmy the Don't Hold On to a Large Magnet Whilst Somebody Else Uses a Fan Nearby Falcon.

  Kyle Broflovski : What?

  Jimmy the Don't Hold on to a Large Magnet Whilst Somebody Else Uses a Fan Nearby Falcon : Here, watch!

  [Jimmy gives Kenny a large magnet before turning on a giant electric fan. The fan blows air and pulls Kenny and the magnet towards it, slicing him into pieces] 

  Jimmy the Don't Hold on to a Large Magnet Whilst Somebody Else Uses a Fan Nearby Falcon : See?

  Stan Marsh : Oh my God! They killed Kenny!

  Kyle Broflovski : You bastard! Hey, there he is!

• [the boys approach Sexual Harassment Panda at the Island of Misfit Mascots Commune] 

  Stan Marsh : Dude, are we glad to find you! You have to come back to South Park quick!

  Sexual Harassment Panda : Why?

  Kyle Broflovski : Because everyone is suing everyone else, and you're pretty much the cause of it all.

  Sexual Harassment Panda : Seems all I do now is cause trouble.

  Happy the Don't Do Stuff that Might Irritate Your Inner-Ear Badger : Hello kids. I'm Happy the Don't Do Stuff That Might Irritate Your Inner-Ear Badger.

  [long pause as the boys stare at Happy] 

  Happy the Don't Do Stuff that Might Irritate Your Inner-Ear Badger : Well, I'll leave now.

  Stan Marsh : Please, Sexual Harassment Panda. People listen to you. You have to get them to stop suing each other.

  Sexual Harassment Panda : But I'm just a panda.

  Kyle Broflovski : No, you're not, dude! You're a guy in a panda costume!

  [startled gasps from the other mascots] 

  Willy the Don't Stare Directly Into the Sun Worm : Hey! I'm a real worm, pal!

  Kyle Broflovski : Okay, Sorry, sorry.

  Eric Cartman : Y-You're a real worm. T-That's cool. That's cool.

  Stan Marsh : Okay, you are a panda. But being Sexual Harassment Panda isn't helping anyone right now. You used to use your panda powers to teach people about sexual harassment. But now you need to teach a new message. A new message that people will find useful again.

  Sexual Harassment Panda : What message?

  Kyle Broflovski : That people shouldn't sue each other all the time.

  Sexual Harassment Panda : You know, you little cubs might just be right.

  Willy the Don't Stare Directly Into the Sun Worm : Yeah.

  Sexual Harassment Panda : Okay!

• Gerald Brofloski : Your Honor, I'd like to make my closing arguments...

  [the boys and Sexual Harassment Panda suddenly enter the court] 

  Kyle Broflovski : Wait!

  Mr. Garrison : Hey, it's Sexual Harassment Panda.

  Stan Marsh : No. He's a whole new panda now, and he's got something to say.

  Sexual Harassment Panda : Hello, everyone. I'm Peetie the Don't Sue People Panda.

  Jimbo Kern : 'Don't Sue People Panda'?

  Skeeter : Hey! We don't take kindly to folks that don't sue people 'round here!

  Bartender : Now, Skeeter, he ain't hurtin' nobody.

  Sexual Harassment Panda : Listen to me. When you sue somebody, it hurts everyone. You sue for money, but where do you think that money comes from? From the schools, from taxes, from the state... from you.

  [pause] 

  Sexual Harassment Panda : There's no such thing as free money. When you sue somebody, you take money away from parks and schools and charities and put it in your own pockets. And that makes me a saaaad panda.

  [long pause] 

  Man in Court #1 : I'm a sad panda too.

  Man in Court #2 : I'm a really sad panda. I didn't know we were doing all that damage. This is all that damn lawyer's fault!

  Man in Court #1 : Yeah! Let's sue the lawyer!

  [Everyone gets up in agreement] 

  Gerald Brofloski : No! Don't you see? The panda is right! Boy, what a great message he has. When you sue people, you just end up causing a lot of problems for society. I've really learned something today. All I could see was the millions of dollars coming to me, and I didn't care about where the money came from. Well, I'm no longer doing sexual harassment lawsuits in schools. They're too vague and too easily corruptible. Thank you, Sexual Harassment Panda.

  Sexual Harassment Panda : Don't Sue People Panda.

  Gerald Brofloski : Yeah, well, whatever. So let's not sue anyone again. Okay, come on guys, let's go get some ice cream!

  Stan Marsh , Kyle Broflovski , Sexual Harassment Panda : Hooray!

  Sexual Harassment Panda : Pandas love ice cream!

• Bailiff : As your legal fee, you can choose between the green choo choo or the squishy football.