SpongeBob SquarePants (TV Series)

The Secret Box/Band Geeks (2001)

Rodger Bumpass: Squidward Tentacles, Veterinarian

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Squidward is trying to start a marching band] 

  Squidward : OK now, how many of you have played musical instruments before?

  Plankton : Do instruments of torture count?

  Squidward : No.

  Patrick : Is mayonnaise an instrument?

  Squidward : No, Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument.

  [Patrick raises his hand again] 

  Squidward : Horseradish is not an instrument either.

  [Patrick lowers his hand] 

• [Squidward tries to start a marching band] 

  Squidward : Let's just try stepping in rhythm. Now I want everyone to stand in straight rows of five.

  SpongeBob SquarePants : [raises his hand]  Is this the part where we start kicking?

  Squidward : No, SpongeBob. That's a chorus line.

  Patrick : Kicking? Oh, I wanna do some kicking!

  [Patrick kicks Sandy] 

  Sandy Cheeks : Why, you...

  [fights Patrick; they tumble outside, and after a while, Patrick peeks his head through the door] 

  Patrick : Whoever is the owner of a white sedan, you left your lights on.

  [Patrick walks in and takes his seat; his head has been pulled through his trombone, and he makes a trombone sound as he walks] 

• Squidward : But I have a theory. People talk loud when they wanna act smart, right?

  Plankton : CORRECT!

  Squidward : So if we play loud, people might think we're good! Everybody ready?

  [band gets ready] 

  Squidward : And a one, and a two, and a one, two, three, four.

  [band plays loudly, glass breaks] 

  Squidward : [baton breaks]  Okay, new theory. Maybe we should play so quietly, no-one can hear us.

• Squidward : [after an embarrassing incident]  Too bad that didn't kill me.

• Squidward : [answers phone]  Hello. You've reached the house of unrecognized talent. Please leave a message after the...

  [plays tone on clarinet] 

  Squilliam : Sounds like you have a dying animal to attend to.

  Squidward : Squilliam Fancyson from band class?

  Squilliam : I hear you're playing the cash register now.

  Squidward : Er, sometimes. How's the unibrow?

  Squilliam : It's big and valuable. I'm the leader of a big, fancy band now, and we're supposed to play the Bubble Bowl next week.

  Squidward : The Bu-bu-bu... the Bu-bu-bu... the Bu-bu-bu...

  Squilliam : That's right, I'm living your dream, Squidward. The problem is, I'm busy next week and can't make it, so I was hoping you and your band could cover for us.

  Squidward : Well, I...

  Squilliam : I knew it! You don't even have a band! Well, I'll let you get back to the service industry now.

  Squidward : Hold it! It just so happens that I don't serve fast food, I do have a band, and we're gonna play that Bubble Bowl! How do you like that, fancy boy?

  Squilliam : Good luck next Tuesday. I hope the audience brings lots of *ibuprofen*.

  [hangs up] 

  Squidward : I've got to drum up a marching band fast. Drum. He-he. Band humor.

• Squidward : Well, you did it. You took my one chance of happiness... and crushed it! Crushed it into little, tiny, bite-size pieces! I really had expected better of you people.

  [He starts crying] 

  Squidward : I guess I'm a loser for that, too. Don't bother showing up tomorrow. I'll just tell them you all... died in a marching accident. So, thanks. Thanks for nothing!

  [Squidward leaves with a heavy heart. A lengthy silence] 

  Patrick : You're welcome.

• Squilliam : Well, Squiddy, this is exactly how I pictured your band would look.

  [SpongeBob dances happily while flickering his tongue] 

  Squidward Tentacles : That's his... eager face.