- Christopher Titus: [asking for the photos of Ken running a red light] What do you want?
- Officer Charlie Regan: You have a custom car shop? I want my Viper flamed.
- Dave Scouvel: And I want my pot back.
- Christopher Titus: [glaring at Dave] We're bribing him.
- Dave Scouvel: But he already has my pot!
- [Titus groans and rubs his head in frustration]
- Christopher Titus: I'll paint your car.
- Officer Charlie Regan: And?
- Christopher Titus: And... I apologize for my brother.
- Officer Charlie Regan: [handing Titus the pictures] Deal.
- Christopher Titus: Dave, come on. Let's go.
- Erin Fitzpatrick: Uh, where are you going?
- Christopher Titus: I'm gonna go straighten him out.
- Dave Scouvel: Whoa, no! I'm not going in there!
- Christopher Titus: You helped.
- Dave Scouvel: Damn your logic.
- Erin Fitzpatrick: Honey, honey. The last person that your dad needs to see right now is the guy who tried to kill him. He's weak and tired.
- Dave Scouvel: Oh, we should go now.
- Ken Titus: [Titus has tricked hospital staffers into shaving Ken's groin] I look like a nine year old boy.
- Juanita Titus: [screaming off camera] You ruined my life you bastard!
- Ken Titus: [to baby Christopher] Welcome to the world Christopher! Thanks to you, I have to marry that psycho. Yes I do! Your mommy has four distinct personalities, yes she does! Ahh coochy coochy coochy coochy...
- Erin Fitzpatrick: What the hell's that furry thing is his lap? It's not there now. There it is again!
- Christopher Titus: [at the hospital, where Ken is being treated for a heart attack] Tommy, how's dad?
- Tommy Shafter: I am not talking to you! You know, does the word "patricide" mean anything to you?
- Christopher Titus: Uh, "patricide: to kill your father." I looked it up when I was eleven. What are you talking about?
- Tommy Shafter: By "kill your father", let's see, I mean you tried to kill your father! How does it feel, father killer?
- Dave Scouvel: Did you patricide Dad?
- Christopher Titus: No!
- Tommy Shafter: He tried! Mr. Titus wanted to take a date out on his boat. And he spent three angry hours trying to start it because some, oh, heart attack causing moron - don't hit me; his words, not mine - took the distributor cap. Well?
- Dave Scouvel: Well?
- Erin Fitzpatrick: Well?
- Christopher Titus: You're acting like he never tried to kill me!
- Christopher Titus: I almost killed Dad because I took his distributor cap?
- Dave Scouvel: Well, you must feel terrible.
- Christopher Titus: *You* were with me!
- Christopher Titus: Hey, Dad. Can I get you something?
- Ken Titus: See if you can trade yourself in for a Korean kid.
- Christopher Titus: [noticing the nurse is Asian] Dad?
- Ken Titus: I'll name him Ho-John Titus.
- Christopher Titus: Dad?
- Ken Titus: Ho-John wouldn't steal my distributor! And I could probably pick him up for a pack of cigarettes.
- Christopher Titus: [indicating the nurse] Why don't you ask if she can help?
- Ken Titus: [to the nurse] You know where I can get a Korean boy?
- Christopher Titus: Dad!
- Nurse Patty: Excuse me?
- Ken Titus: Well, I mean you people know how to work hard and you respect your parents. Don't you, baby?
- Nurse Patty: Uh, I'm Japanese, and I'm from Fresno, "baby."
- Ken Titus: How come you're not designing computers?
- Nurse Patty: [sarcastically] Because then I wouldn't get to meet nice white devils like you.
- Erin Fitzpatrick: [seeing Titus and Dave clipping Ken's toenails] Sorry to pull you away from... whatever that is, but there is a police officer waiting to talk to Papa Titus about the accident.
- Ken Titus: What? The police want to give me a ticket for having a heart attack?