- Dave Scouvel: I can now pump my own stomach.
- [Ken stares at Dave]
- Ken Titus: So *that's* why our vacuum smells like tacos!
- [Tommy is delivering a baby after everybody refuses to do so]
- Tommy Shafter: Oh yeah, you can all talk, but when push comes to shove, who's the man, huh?
- [He looks at the woman, and passes out. His head falls on the woman's thighs. Everybody stares]
- Ken Titus: Tommy's head in a woman's crotch. I never thought I'd see that.
- Christopher Titus: Yeah, he's right. Dave, take a picture.
- [Later, when Tommy comes around...]
- Tommy Shafter: [groggy] Hey Titus, I had the strangest dream... I dreamt I was stuffing a turkey and I passed out with my hands inside it...
- Christopher Titus: Dad, I'm not going to Vegas. I have a great woman at home who takes her clothes off.
- Dave Titus: You have a stripper at home?
- Christopher Titus: *Erin*!
- Dave Titus: Well, when I get to your house...
- [He removes some dollars and gives them to Titus]
- Dave Titus: ...I want a good seat, my man!
- Christopher Titus: Do you WANT me to kill you?
- Dave Titus: Well, no.
- Christopher Titus: THEN GET IN THE CAR!
- [two neighbors who can help the situation don't get along]
- Christopher Titus: Is everybody here missing a chromosome?
- Nicky: Hey, I live here. And anybody with a forehead that big shouldn't be making chromosome jokes.
- [Titus frowns and feels his forehead]
- [first lines]
- Erin Fitzpatrick: Hey. Marriage, is a joy. I can't wait. Look, when you meet the man that you love, you marry him. And when you find the perfect man, you don't look back. Hey, look at him. He left this morning for his bachelor party and I miss him already. I do. I do too.
- [last lines]
- Erin Fitzpatrick: Marriage, is a joy. I can't wait. You find the man that you love and then you marry him. Christopher is the one for me. I know, so just shut up and marry the guy already. Okay, I will. I'm talking to myself.