- Tommy Shafter: Why did you tell him?
- Erin Fitzpatrick: I...
- Ken Titus: She didn't! I heard her tell her mom on the phone.
- Tommy Shafter: You told your mother! Oh, my God. What does she think of me?
- Christopher Titus: Worry about what I think of you!
- [Ken reveals that Tommy had a dream about Titus, in which Titus was naked]
- Tommy Shafter: The nudity, it wasn't gratuitous, it was integral to the plot of the dream!
- Christopher Titus: [disgusted] There was a plot?
- Tommy Shafter: You were a pirate.
- [Titus moans in disgust]
- [while Chris and Dave argue]
- Erin Fitzpatrick: Guys! This never goes anywhere.
- Christopher Titus: 'Cause you always interrupt it.
- Christopher Titus: I swore I would never get involved in my dad's life. But then he started blowing it. So I had to get involved, you know, but he's my dad, I can't send him to his room or ground him or go to his first grade play and scream, "Look at the fairy!" I was a wood nymph.
- Tommy Shafter: But, we do have a gift for you: the gift of love.
- Ken Titus: Well, I hope you kept the receipt.
- Christopher Titus: Dad was Tommy's first drinking buddy. He was like a son to Dad. The lucky son who didn't live with Dad.
- Ken Titus: You know why divorces cost so much, Tommy?
- 10-Tear-Old Tommy: No, Mr. Titus.
- Ken Titus: Because they're worth it!
- [Christopher wants to stage an intervention to get Ken drinking again]
- Dave Scouvel: I'm gonna go to my room.
- Christopher Titus: Go, fine, go. You always leave when things get rough.
- [Dave begins to walk away]
- Christopher Titus: Where are you going?
- Dave Scouvel: You said I always leave.
- Christopher Titus: I meant it as a character flaw.
- Dave Scouvel: I got that.
- Christopher Titus: We actually have no pictures of my father where he is not holding a beer.
- [turns on a projector]
- Christopher Titus: Water skiing, funerals, parent-teacher conferences, intensive care.
- [Ken has revealed that Titus borrowed money from the business account]
- Tommy Shafter: Oh, my God. I was up all week preparing those tax returns.
- Ken Titus: Isn't tax fraud a felony?
- [Tommy begins wheezing]
- [Christopher wants Ken to start drinking again]
- Ken Titus: Hey, I can start drinking any time I want.
- Christopher Titus: Then go ahead. Drink it.
- [Christopher crouches down next to Ken]
- Christopher Titus: Wussy.
- Erin Fitzpatrick, Tommy Shafter, Dave Scouvel, Ridge: Whoa!
- [Erin, Dave, Tommy, and Ridge all take cover]
- Ken Titus: Wussy?
- Christopher Titus: [standing tough, but then his voice breaks] You heard me.
- Christopher Titus: Tommy, you don't cater an intervention. We have to get dad to face his problem with alcohol. What we need here is love, strength, understanding...
- Dave Scouvel: A stun gun.
- Tommy Shafter: [holding up a taser] Everyone, next to the shrimp puffs.
- [crackles taser]
- Christopher Titus: Get these out of here.
- Tommy Shafter: This is the way I deal with stress, okay? I'm not on board with this, but if we're going to do this, we might as well have finger foods!