- Christopher Titus: [accidentally walking in on Ken and Juanita having sex] Dad, what are you doing?
- Ken Titus: Hmm? Didn't I explain all this to you when you were five?
- Christopher Titus: Dad, she is doing it again. I am trying to protect you.
- Ken Titus: Protect me from what? A beautiful, heavily medicated woman who wants to bow to my every wish?
- Christopher Titus: Which part of you is speaking, Dad? You or your gonads?
- Ken Titus: Right now, they have power of attorney.
- Ken Titus: I hear Looney Tunes made dinner. I'm surprised; usually, the turkey is saying such threatening things to her, she can't get close enough to cook it.
- [after Christopher's mother shows up at the house]
- Christopher Titus: Honey, this is not a drill. This is not Tommy dressed as mom. *This is mom*.