- Tommy Shafter: [laughs] Panties! Panties, panties, panties, panties. It makes you feel dirty just saying it. Panties!
- Calvin: [wheels up behind Titus and Tommy] Panties!
- [he surprises Titus and Tommy]
- Dave Titus: I was supposed to kill myself an hour ago.
- Christopher Titus: Well, I just got your suicide note. Maybe next time you shouldn't *mail* it!
- Christopher Titus: I remember how Dave used to beg me. He'd get down on his knees
- [Dave gets down on one knees]
- Christopher Titus: Both Knees!
- [Dave puts his other leg down]
- Christopher Titus: And then he'd sing that "Titus is great" song!
- [turns to Dave]
- Dave Titus: [singing] Titus is great! He's really, really great! I can't believe how great he can be!
- [Calvin is seen swaying to the song in the back]
- [after throwing Titus through a window]
- Sgt. Gordon: Maybe you should join the Air Force, now that you know how to fly.
- Ken Titus: How did you trick my son into joining the Army?
- Sgt. Gordon: I told him he could be anything he wanted to be.
- Ken Titus: [sharing a roar of laughter] Buy you a beer!
- Sgt. Gordon: Glad you're aboard, son. You got ten minutes to say your goodbyes.
- Dave Titus: Sir, yes, sir! Sir, thank you, sir, sir!
- Ken Titus: Dave.
- Dave Titus: Dad, sir!
- Ken Titus: Son. I don't like goodbyes, so...
- [he leaves without another word]
- [first lines]
- Christopher Titus: Sometimes, to help someone you love, you have to commit a felony. But, you don't want to go to prison for that. "Hey, dude, what are you in for? Armed robbery? Murder?" And then, you have to say, "Love." And, that's definitely going to get you, you know, picked last for prison kick ball.
- [last lines]
- Christopher Titus: Sometimes, to help someone you love, you have to commit a felony. You have to get involved in their life. You have to put yourself out there. You have to make sure that they get tossed off a moving bus and have to walk home from Oklahoma. Hey, Dave wanted to march. So, who loves Dave more ? I can't hear you.