- Christopher Titus: You're a nurse. You're supposed to be sterile and clean. And having sex with my dad, dirty.
- Nurse Kathy: It's not just sex. I love him.
- [Christopher, Erin, Tommy and Dave burst out laughing]
- Erin Fitzpatrick: Say it again. Say it again.
- Nurse Kathy: I love him.
- [more laughter]
- Nurse Kathy: People laugh at what they don't understand.
- Christopher Titus: No, no. No, we get it and it's hilarious. Because, because every woman who falls in love with my dad ends up trying to kill him.
- [laughs]
- Erin Fitzpatrick: What's funny about that?
- Christopher Titus: Laughter, absolute terror. Fine line.
- [first lines]
- Christopher Titus: I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. C'mon, you push a guys face in a cake, he's got to clean his face. You hit a guy with a water balloon, he's got to dry off. Guys in the hospital, you get his testicles shaved, he scratches and bleeds for a week. It's funny.
- [laughs]
- Christopher Titus: [sobers] You're not supposed to have a heart attack. It kills the joke.
- [last lines]
- Christopher Titus: I gave my father a heart attack. And the memory of what I did is burned in my brain, like the bomb going off over Hiroshima, or the Hindenburg explosion, and...
- [grimaces, mimes riding a pony]
- Christopher Titus: Oh the humanity.
- [switches off light]
- Christopher Titus: I can still see it.
- Nurse Kathy: Are you talking? Because I'm fine with you dying. The murderer has paid me through the end of the week.
- Christopher Titus: Woah, woah, woah. *Attempted* murderer. And I would have plead it down to manslaughter.
- Christopher Titus: A black widow loves her mate then kills him. A praying mantis loves her mate then eats him. Women love my dad, but he's too big to eat.
- Ken Titus: I wish you were still in my loins. I wish you'd never grown in your mother's womb. You should've been fetal research! You're dead to me! Dead!
- Tommy Shafter: [shocked] Mr. Titus and the nurse are having sex!
- Dave Scouvel: Ohh! That would explain the sounds of Dad and the nurse having sex.
- Erin Fitzpatrick: Here's some rubbing alcohol.
- Christopher Titus: Ahh, pour it in my eyes!
- Christopher Titus: What?
- Christopher Titus: The nurse and dad are having *sex*!
- [Erin gasps]
- Tommy Shafter: [entering from the living room] Mr. Titus wants some salt, but I think I can sneak some Mrs. Dash by him.
- Erin Fitzpatrick: Papa Titus and the nurse are having sex!
- [Tommy begins wheezing]
- Christopher Titus: Tommy!
- Tommy Shafter: [still wheezing] Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!
- Christopher Titus: Tommy!
- Dave Scouvel: [entering from the bedroom] Now that is Jell-O with a capital "O".
- Tommy Shafter: [still wheezing] Mr. Titus and the nurse are having sex!
- Dave Scouvel: Wow. That would explain the sounds of dad and the nurse having sex.
- [Ken has just proposed to Kat]
- Ken Titus: It's important I get it right this time. After you screw things up with Erin, you'll understand.
- Christopher Titus: I am not going to screw things up with Erin, because I don't marry every woman I have sex with!
- Erin Fitzpatrick: Excuse me?
- Christopher Titus: [realizing what his comment sounded like] I didn't mean it like that.
- Ken Titus: You see? You see? You're screwing it up right now!
- Erin Fitzpatrick: So you have no intention of marrying me?
- Christopher Titus: [trying to get focused back on Ken] No, I'll marry you!
- Erin Fitzpatrick: Oh, nice, you sound so excited about it.
- Christopher Titus: Honey, can I stop this man from making his sixth mistake before you and I talk about our first?
- [Titus again realizes what his comment sounded like]
- Christopher Titus: Marriage!
- [metaphorically grasping for something to hold onto]
- Christopher Titus: I love you!
- [Ken has said that he loves Kathy, the personal nurse Titus hired]
- Christopher Titus: It's just the angina talking!
- Dave Scouvel: [gasp] It talks?
- Christopher Titus: *AN*gina.
- Tommy Shafter: We all know about your little tet-a-tet with Nurse Kathy.
- Ken Titus: [to Christopher and Dave] Why is he always talking in some kind of gay code?
- Tommy Shafter: I am not gay. And they don't have a code.
- Ken Titus: How would you know that if you're not gay?
- Tommy Shafter: [in tantrum-ish manner] I am not gay!
- [Tommy realizes what he just did]
- Tommy Shafter: [acting masculine] I'm gonna go help the girls in the kitchen.
- Christopher Titus: [Kathy throws the gang out for agitating Ken] Me? YOU'RE the one having sex with him. You're agitating him!
- Nurse Kathy: That's what you know. I'm always on TOP!
- Christopher Titus: [in Neutral Space, Titus is rocking in his chair, horrified, with his hands over his ears, singing] The firrrrrst noellllll...
- Nurse Kathy: [as she mimes riding a horse in front of a horrified Titus, Dave, Erin and Tommy] THAT'S RIGHT BABY! RIDING HIGH!
- Ken Titus: [puts arm around Kathy] Look at me, I'm a cowboy!