Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

An Old Flame with a New Wick (2004)

Charlie Sheen: Charlie Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• Charlie : [Alan is looking at a photo of Charlie's old girlfriend, who is now a man]  Just *look* at it.

  Alan : All right. She's cute... very tall... broad shoulders...

  [suddenly realizes, and screams] 

  Alan : Holy Mother of God!

  Charlie : Welcome to the Matrix.

• Charlie : If I had a nickel for every time a girl dumped me, disappeared for five years and came back as a guy... I'd have a *nickel*!

• Bill / Jill : It's me!

  Charlie Harper : Me, who?

  Charlie Harper : [long pause while he stares at the "stranger"]  Nooooo.

  Bill / Jill : Yes.

  Charlie Harper : Jill?

  Bill / Jill : Bill.

  Charlie Harper : Noooooo!

• Berta : Nothing exciting happening in your world, Charlie?

  Charlie Harper : Like what?

  Berta : Oh, I don't know. Go to a fun party? See a great movie? Run into an old flame with a new wick?

• Bill / Jill : Remember when we broke up and I said, "It's not you. It's me"?

  Charlie : Yes! And I believe you now.

• Bill / Jill : You haven't changed.

  Charlie : I wish I could say the same.

• Charlie : [to Bill/Jill]  You want to be a real man? Grab hold of those store-bought balls and just tell the truth.

• Charlie : [shakes Bill/Jill's hand; gets up to leave]  Nice to see you again. Good luck with the penis.

• Alan : [after meeting Bill/Jill]  Nice guy. Poker buddy?

  Charlie : Yeah, I used to. And don't call me 'buddy'.