Two and a Half Men (TV Series)

Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats (2004)

Jon Cryer: Alan Harper

Quotes 

• Alan : Charlie, let me tell you something. You-you-you can't keep Jake from ever getting hurt, he's a boy. It's... Getting hurt is like his job. Last summer, he... he actually fractured his ass doing a cannonball into the bathtub. All I care about is that he has somebody who loves him and who'll step up when it really counts, and that's what you did today.

• Charlie Harper : [wants custody of Jake if something happens to Judith and Alan]  All right, Alan, let me ask you something: if I'm here, and Jake's in Rhode Island, who's gonna teach him all the things he needs to know?

  Alan : Jerry and Faye are both college professors.

  Charlie Harper : I'm talking about the important stuff. About life. Face it. When the time comes, are those two *eggheads* gonna step up and get your kid laid?

  Alan : You're not helping your case, Charlie.

• Charlie : What's going on?

  Alan : [on the phone with Evelyn]  Hang on.

  Alan : [puts a hand over the phone]  Uh, if Mom's ever in a coma, you're the one who has to decide to pull the plug.

  Charlie : [doesn't even think about it]  Pull.

  Alan : All right, Mom. Charlie's on board.