- Colin Mochrie: [in "Hollywood Director"] Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! I was just looking at the playback, I've seen better film on my grandmother's eye!
- Colin Mochrie: [in "Narrate", set in the Oval Office]
- [to camera]
- Colin Mochrie: I'd been looking for the man who raised my taxes. I wanted to meet him face to face so he could see what he had done to me. I found him in the Oval Office; there didn't seem to be much security around, I just walked right in.
- [to Ryan]
- Colin Mochrie: Yo.
- Ryan Stiles: How are ya?
- Colin Mochrie: You the president?
- Ryan Stiles: Yeah, I'm the president.
- Colin Mochrie: I got big problems. Big problems with YOU.
- Ryan Stiles: [to camera] I knew he had big problems, but I was used to big problems. And I knew how to keep people with big secrets quiet.
- [to Colin]
- Ryan Stiles: Cigar?
- Ryan Stiles: [in "Narrate", set in the Oval Office]
- [to camera]
- Ryan Stiles: I know what you're thinking: Falling in love with another man? He's better looking than most of the women I've slept with.
- Drew Carey: Hey, listen, uh, some of the folks in the studio might've noticed the lights dimming during the commercial. No need to panic; there was just another execution in Texas.
- Ryan Stiles: [after the first song in "Greatest Hits", done in the style of The Beach Boys] You can HAVE your alternative music, give me The Beach Boys any day.
- Colin Mochrie: [chuckles] Well, remember the restraining order.
- Drew Carey: At the end of the show, we pick a fake winner, it's just really somebody who just gets to sit at the desk and relax, while the losers get to calculate how deep the ocean would be if there were no sponges in it. I tell ya, we'd all be drowning right now if it weren't for those sponges.