- Joe Montgomery Hackett: Who wants to say it first? No one? Ok, I will. We're screwed.
- Casey Chapel Davenport: We can't be screwed. We're innocent.
- Helen Chapel Hackett: Two fires in a year in the same family, both caused by sex? I know it's the truth and even I don't believe us.
- Claire Barnett: What could you possibly have been doing upstairs that you didn't notice that the house was on fire?
- Helen Chapel Hackett: We were having
- [mumbles]
- Helen Chapel Hackett: sex.
- Claire Barnett: What?
- Helen Chapel Hackett: Sex. We were having sex.
- Claire Barnett: Wait a minute. You are telling me that you were so involved in having sex that you didn't smell the smoke, feel the heat.
- Helen Chapel Hackett: Sure, I just thought Joe was really on his game.
- Claire Barnett: So you expect me to believe that two houses burned down because the people inside were lost in the throes of some kind of sexual frenzy?
- Casey Chapel Davenport: It happens.
- Claire Barnett: Not according to our records. I ran the possibilities through my computer, and the answer came up "No freakin' way, Cupcake."
- Claire Barnett: You look pretty smart. I bet you were the brains behind this little scam, weren't you?
- Brian Michael Hackett: Well, if there was a scam, I would certainly be the brains of it.