- Wayne Federman: Looks like your underground hero went from counterculture to counterfeiter.
- Fox Mulder: One more pun and I pull out my gun.
- Fox Mulder: You know Scully, I was just thinking about Lazarus, Ed Wood, and those Tofurkey-eatin' zombies. How come when people come back from the dead, they always wanna hurt the living?
- Scully: Well, that's because people can't really come back from the dead, Mulder. I mean, ghosts and zombies are just projections of our own repressed cannibalistic and sexual fears and desires. They are who we fear that we are at heart. Just mindless automatons who can only kill and eat.
- Fox Mulder: Party pooper. Well, I got a new theory. I say that when zombies try to eat people, that's just the first stage. You see, they've just come back from being dead, so they're gonna do all the things they missed from when they were alive. So first, they're gonna eat. Then, they're gonna drink. Then, they're gonna dance and make love.
- Scully: Oh, I see. So, it's just that we never get to stay with them long enough to see the gentler side of the undead.
- Fox Mulder: Exactly.
- Wayne Federman: It's actually... It's a writer-slash-producer.
- Mulder: Well, that's actually just a hindrance-slash-pain-in-the-neck.
- Walter Skinner: Agent Scully, if I am carrying Marilyn Monroe's purse, do you assume that I slept with JFK?
- Wayne Federman: Just curious if she's more than your partner.
- Mulder: Enough, Wayne.
- Wayne Federman: Hey, whatever.
- Téa Leoni: Is that your flashlight, Mulder, or are you just happy to be lying on top of me?
- Garry Shandling: It's my flashlight... Oh that.
- Garry Shandling: Do you dress to the left or to the right?
- Fox Mulder: Wh... huh... what do you mean?
- Garry Shandling: Look, when I play a character, I need to find his center, his sort of rudder, so to say. And then every thing comes from that.
- Fox Mulder: I guess mostly to the left.
- Garry Shandling: Mostly?
- Fox Mulder: Most of the time.
- Garry Shandling: Most of the time... To the left... Wardrobe!
- Cigarette Smoking Pontiff: I'll offer you a deal. You give me the Lazarus bowl and I'll give you Scully.
- Téa Leoni: Mulder!
- Garry Shandling: How about this deal? You give me Scully, I don't smash the Lazarus bowl and shove the pieces where the Son of God don't shine you Cigarette-Smoking Mackerel Snapper.
- Scully: I'm now weighing the heart, which is... relatively normal. Although somewhat large.
- Micah Hoffman: [rises up from the autopsy table] I'm gonna need that when you're done with it.
- Wayne Federman: I like the way you guys work. No warrants, no permission, no research. You're like studio executives with guns.
- Fox Mulder: You know, sometimes truth can be stranger than fiction.
- Wayne Federman: Well, fiction is quicker than truth and cheaper.
- Cardinal O'Fallon: Is being made a fool of a crime, Agent Mulder?
- Mulder: I'd be doing life if it were, sir.
- Wayne Federman: [Giving the agents the movie pitch] It's a Silence of the Lambs meets Greatest Story Ever Told type thing. It's... Beautiful.
- [Scully and Mulder just stare at him]
- Zombie: Come on, man. Don't break the bowl. We don't wanna go back to being dead. There's no food, no women, no dancing. Save the bowl and we'll dump that ciggy-smoking stooge for you, and you'll be the new king of the dead.
- Garry Shandling: I'd rather serve in heaven than rule in hell.
- Chuck Burks: I had a linguist in here to listen to the recording. It's Aramaic.
- Scully: That's the language that Christ spoke. Did your linguist happen to translate it?
- Chuck Burks: Yes he did. It's in two parts. This first part here roughly translates as "I am the walrus. I am the walrus. Paul is dead. Goo goo g'joob." Although there is no Aramaic word for walrus, so it literally says: "I am the bearded cow-like sea beast."
- Wayne Federman: How about the shroud of Turin?
- Cardinal O'Fallon: No, afraid not. But we do have the bathrobe of St. Peter.
- Wayne Federman: You're kidding.
- Cardinal O'Fallon: Yes I am.
- Fox Mulder: [Federman asked Mulder who he sees playing Mulder in the movie] How about Richard Gere?
- Wayne Federman: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ho ha ha ho ho, yeah, okay. Um, seriously, what if I said to you the name, Gary Shandling?
- Fox Mulder: Wayne, you're breaking up. It sounded like you said Gary Shandling.
- Wayne Federman: You both are crazy
- Fox Mulder: Why do you say that?
- Wayne Federman: [Looking at Mulder] Well, you're crazy for believing what you believe.
- [Turning to Scully]
- Wayne Federman: And you're crazy for Not believing what he believes.
- [They both give him an odd look, as he gets up]
- Wayne Federman: I'll leave you with that.
- Fox Mulder: Crazy people can be very persuasive.
- Scully: Well, yes, I know That.
- [a look of ironic laughter in her eyes and he smiles sheepishly]
- Chuck Burks: There's music in the air, Agent Scully. See, everything that exists vibrates and therefore sings. The street, your internal organs, electricity, everything. Here I'll show you.
- [He directors her to the computer screen]
- Chuck Burks: You see, this is my voice bouncing around in the red here. And all this yellow is ambient sound that we habitually tune out. It's the hum of my hardware. Mulder's porn tapes on pause, the sounds from the street. Everything we hear but we don't know we hear. I can hear it with this machine.