Yes, Prime Minister (TV Series)
A Victory for Democracy (1986)
Derek Fowlds: Bernard Woolley
Photos
Quotes
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Bernard Woolley : What if the Prime Minister insists we help them?
Sir Humphrey Appleby : Then we follow the four-stage strategy.
Bernard Woolley : What's that?
Sir Richard Wharton : Standard Foreign Office response in a time of crisis.
Sir Richard Wharton : In stage one we say nothing is going to happen.
Sir Humphrey Appleby : Stage two, we say something may be about to happen, but we should do nothing about it.
Sir Richard Wharton : In stage three, we say that maybe we should do something about it, but there's nothing we *can* do.
Sir Humphrey Appleby : Stage four, we say maybe there was something we could have done, but it's too late now.
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James Hacker : Are you telling me the Foreign Office is keeping something from me?
Bernard Woolley : Yes.
James Hacker : Well, what?
Bernard Woolley : I don't know; they're keeping it from me too.
James Hacker : How do you know?
Bernard Woolley : I don't know.
James Hacker : You just said that the Foreign Office sas keeping something from me. How do you know if you don't know?
Bernard Woolley : I don't know specifically what, Prime Minister, but I do know the Foreign Office always keep everything from everybody. It's normal practice.
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Bernard Woolley : The PM seems to be completely in the dark.
Sir Richard Wharton : Good.
Sir Humphrey Appleby : Excellent. Anything else?
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Bernard Woolley : Well, I wondered if there was anything he doesn't know?
Sir Humphrey Appleby : Well, I hardly know where to begin, Bernard.
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Bernard Woolley : What if he demands options?
Sir Humphrey Appleby : Well, it's obvious, Bernard. The Foreign Office will happily present him with three options, two of which are, on close inspection, exactly the same.
Sir Richard Wharton : Plus a third which is totally unacceptable.
Sir Humphrey Appleby : Like bombing Warsaw or invading France.
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Jim Hacker : Who knows Foreign Office secrets, apart from the Foreign Office?
Bernard Woolley : That's easy. Only the Kremlin.
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James Hacker : Apparently the White House thinks that the Foreign Office is full of pinkos and traitors.
Bernard Woolley : No, it's not. Well, not full.
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James Hacker : I was on the receiving end of some frightful pressure from the American ambassador at that drinkies do last night.
Bernard Woolley : Ah.
James Hacker : Apparently they'd heard about my plan to cancel Trident.
Bernard Woolley : Ah.
James Hacker : It seems that the American defence industries are among the biggest contributors to the President's party funds.
Bernard Woolley : Ah.
James Hacker : Then he said we had a big problem in East Yemen.
Bernard Woolley : Ah?
James Hacker : Stop saying "ah" like that, Bernard. I'm not your doctor.
Bernard Woolley : I'm sorry, Prime Minister.
James Hacker : What is this big problem in East Yemen?
Bernard Woolley : Ah...
James Hacker : Thank you, Bernard.
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Bernard Woolley : May I just clarify the question? You are asking what it is that I don't know and you don't know but the Foreign Office know that they know, that they are keeping from you so that you don't know but they do know. And all we know is, is that there is something we don't know that we want to know but we don't know what because we don't know. Is that it?
James Hacker : May I just clarify the question? Who knows Foreign Office secrets apart from the Foreign Office?
Bernard Woolley : Oh that's easy - only the Kremlin.