Yes, Prime Minister (TV Series)

The Grand Design (1986)

Derek Fowlds: Bernard Woolley

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Quotes 

• Jim Hacker : Tell me, General, where is the Hot Line?

  General Howard : Which one?

  Jim Hacker : The one to Russia.

  Bernard Woolley : The Red Hot Line, Sir.

  General Howard : That's in Downing Street.

  Jim Hacker : So in an emergency, I can get straight through to the Soviet President?

  General Howard : Theoretically, yes.

  Jim Hacker : Theoretically?

  General Howard : That's what we tell journalists. In fact, we did once get through to the Kremlin, but only to a switchboard operator.

  Jim Hacker : Couldn't the operator put you through?

  General Howard : We never found out. He didn't seem to speak much English.

• Jim Hacker : You mean the German ambassador's lunch is government business, but mine isn't?

  Sir Humphrey Appleby : That is so. Not just the German ambassador's, of course, any ambassador's.

  Jim Hacker : Fine. Bernard, get the diary. On Monday I'll have lunch with the German ambassador. On Tuesday, with the French ambassador; on Wednesday, with the American ambassador. Oh, mustn't leave out the Commonwealth; on Thursday I'll have lunch with the New Zealand High Commissioner. How many countries are there in the UN?

  Bernard Woolley : Well 158, Prime minister.

  Jim Hacker : Good. That'll take up about six months; then we'll start round again.

  Bernard Woolley : Prime Minister, you're not free to have lunch with ambassadors every day. Sometimes there will be other official lunches.

  Jim Hacker : Even better. We'll fill up the odd gaps.

  Sir Humphrey Appleby : I think that the Foreign and Commonwealth Office might have some views on that.

  Jim Hacker : Oh, why?

  Sir Humphrey Appleby : Well, they always say that one Prime Minister's lunch with an ambassador destroys two years of patient diplomacy. I'm not quite sure how they'd react to 158.

• Bernard Woolley : Isn't conscription a courageous policy?

  Jim Hacker : Courageous? Oh, my God, is it?

• Jim Hacker : Nice to be able to reward one's old allies. Was Ron Jones pleased with his peerage?

  Bernard Woolley : Oh yes, Prime Minister. He said his members would be delighted.

  Jim Hacker : His members?

  Bernard Woolley : Yes, the members of his union. The National Federation...

  Jim Hacker : I didn't mean him. I meant our backbencher. I meant to give a peerage to Ron Jones, not Ron Jones. The hell!

  Bernard Woolley : If it is any consolation, Prime Minister, I gather he was awfully pleased.

  Jim Hacker : I bet he was. What are we going to do about Ron Jones's peerage. Give him one too?

  Sir Humphrey : With respect, Prime Minister, we can't send two Lord Ron Jones to the Upper House. It will look like a job lot.

  Jim Hacker : We got to give him something, I promised.

  Sir Humphrey : Well, what is he interested in? Does he watch television?

  Jim Hacker : He hasn't even got a set.

  Sir Humphrey : Fine, make him a Governor of the BBC.

• Bernard Woolley : That is why that torpedo landed on Sandwich Golf Course.

  Jim Hacker : Sandwich Golf Course? I didn't read that in the paper.

  Bernard Woolley : No, of course not. There was a cover-up. The members just found a new bunker on the 7th fairway the next day.