The Simpsons (TV Series)

Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious (1997)

Dan Castellaneta: Homer Simpson, Krusty the Klown, Abe Simpson, Barney Gumble, Itchy, Groundskeeper Willie, Additional Voices

Photos 

Quotes 

• Shary Bobbins : Hello. I'm Sharry Bobbins.

  Homer Simpson : [excited]  Did you say Mary Pop...?

  Shary Bobbins : No! I definitely did not! I'm an original creation, like Rickey Rouse and Monald Muck.

• Shary Bobbins : I do everything from changing diapers to telling stories.

  Abe Simpson : Put me down for one of each!

• Groundskeeper Willie : Shary Bobbins and I were engaged to be wed back in the old country. Then she got her eyesight back. Suddenly the ugliest man in Glasgow wasn't good enough for her.

  Shary Bobbins : It's good to see you, Willie.

  Groundskeeper Willie : [angry]  That's not what you said the first time you saw me!

• TV Announcer : It's the Krusty Komedy Klassic.

  Krusty the Clown : Hey! Hey! It's great to be back at the Apollo theater and...

  [notices a big sign behind him] 

  Krusty the Clown : "KKK"? That's not good.

  [laughs nervously, then people from the audience start shouting, throwing food and glass bottles] 

• Announcer : Now, let's take a look at a young Charles Bronson's brief stint replacing Andy Griffith in "The Andy Griffith Show"

  Barney : Where's Otis? He's not in his cell.

  Charles Bronson : I shot him.

  Barney : Well that's... what?

  Charles Bronson : And now, I'm going down to Emmett's Fix-It Shop.

  [cocks gun] 

  Charles Bronson : To fix Emmett.

  ["Andy Griffith Show" theme plays] 

• [on TV, during an "Itchy & Scratchy" cartoon] 

  Quentin Tarantino : What I'm trying to say in this cartoon is that violence is everywhere in our society, you know, it's like even in breakfast cereal, man.

  [Itchy cuts off his head and him and Scratchy dance around it] 

• Shary Bobbins : [singing]  Wasted away again in Margaritaville.

  Barney : [singing]  Searching for my lost shaker of salt.

  [spoken] 

  Barney : Oh, here it is.

  [pours the salt into his mouth] 

• Homer : All right, Marge. We'll get your nanny. And to pay for it, I'll give up the Civil War Recreation Society I love so much.

  [cut to Moe's] 

  Moe : All right, Homer's out. We'll need a new General Ambrose Burnside.

  Barney : I'm not too fond of our Stonewall Jackson, either.

  Apu : The South shall COME AGAIN.

• Homer Simpson : [interviewing potential nannies]  Wait a minute, Marge. I saw "Mrs. Doubtfire". This is a man in drag!

  [pulling at the woman's hair] 

  Homer Simpson : You're phony. Fake phony broad! Gimme those!

  Marge Simpson : [he chases her off]  Homer, if you're going to do this to every applicant, we're never going to find one.

  Homer Simpson : Sorry.

• Lisa Simpson : [as Shary flies away]  Do you think we'll ever see her again?

  Homer Simpson : I'm sure we will, honey.

  [Shary gets sucked into a jet plane's engine] 

  Homer Simpson : I'm sure we will.

• Krusty the Clown : Now, I'd like to introduce a new feature never before seen on TV. Dumb Pet Tricks.

  [points to a dog on the floor, laughs nervously] 

  Krusty the Clown : Oh, boy. Here's a dog that's been trained to catch this red rubber ball.

  [throws the red ball behind him but the dog grabs hold of his red nose] 

  Krusty the Clown : AH! OW! Somebody shoot it! Somebody shoot it!

• Krusty the Clown : Now, let's hear it for a great American, former President, Gerald Ford!

  Gerald Ford : Thank you, Krusty, for inviting me.

  Krusty the Clown : Well, all the good presidents turned us down.

  Gerald Ford : Oh. Well, I'd like to talk about a topic that is very important to me.

  [Krusty snaps his fingers and begins to make funny faces as the subtitle 'Boring' flashes repeatedly] 

  Gerald Ford : The Boy Scouts of America have molded men for over a hundred years, and...

  [notices Krusty] 

  Gerald Ford : What are you...

  Krusty the Clown : Uh, how's your wife, Nancy?

  Gerald Ford : Betty!

  Krusty the Clown : Who cares?

• Kearney : I'm here about the nanny job. I'll keep a watchful eye on your kids, and if they get out of line... pow!

  Homer Simpson : I like him.

  Kearney : Thanks. Hey, where do you keep the liquor?

  Homer Simpson : I hide a bottle of schnapps in the baby's crib.

  Marge Simpson : I'm sorry, young man. You're not what we're looking for.

  Kearney : [under his breath as he leaves]  You're telling me, you blue-haired witch.

  Marge Simpson : I heard that!

• Homer Simpson : [suggestively]  Marge, I was just watching women's volleyball on ESPN.

  Marge Simpson : Mmm-mmm-mmm.

  Homer Simpson : Come on. There's no need for that baba-ma-bushka.

  Marge Simpson : All right, but don't be shocked.

  Homer Simpson : Oh, there's no way I could...

  [she removes the towel from her head] 

  Homer Simpson : AHHH!

  Marge Simpson : Homie, I'm losing my hair.

  Homer Simpson : Now, sweetie, don't worry about a thing. I'll teach you to comb it over so no one can tell. Just like my hair.

  [imagining herself with hair like his, she sobs into his shoulder] 

• Krusty the Clown : And now, our parody of "Mad About You", entitled "Mad About Shoe."

  [getting into a bed with an oversized stiletto] 

  Krusty the Clown : Give me a kiss, baby. No tongue.

  [food and glass bottles are thrown at him] 

  Krusty the Clown : Oh, you're not gonna like our "NYPD Shoe" sketch. It's pretty much the same thing.

• Marge Simpson : I was just with Dr. Hibbert. He said I was under a lot of stress and should get some help.

  Homer Simpson : Marge, whatever it takes to make you well, we'll do it.

  Marge Simpson : Well, I was thinking we could hire a nanny to help me out.

  Bart Simpson : A nanny?

  Homer Simpson : But how am I supposed to pay for that?

  Lisa Simpson : We'll find a way. Mom has made so many sacrifices for us, it's time we gave up something for her. I'll stop buying Malibu Stacy clothing.

  Bart Simpson : And I'll take up smoking and give that up.

  Homer Simpson : Good for you, son. Giving up smoking is one of the hardest things you'll ever have to do. Have a dollar.

  Lisa Simpson : But he didn't do anything.

  Homer Simpson : Didn't he, Lisa? Didn't he?

  [realizing and taking the dollar back] 

  Homer Simpson : Hey, wait a minute. He didn't!

• Homer Simpson : Now, Ms. Bobbins, if you want this job, you're going to have to answer a few questions. First, do you have any bad habits?

  Shary Bobbins : No. I'm practically perfect in every way.

  Homer Simpson : Well, so am I.

  [he boorishly drinks milk straight from the carton while scratching his butt, then belches] 

  Homer Simpson : Ah! Okay. Question two. Who was your last employer?

  Shary Bobbins : Lord and Lady Huffington of Sussex.

  Homer Simpson : [leaning over to Marge]  Marge, do we know them?

  Marge Simpson : No.

  Homer Simpson : Come on. Isn't he the guy I bowl with? The black guy?

  Marge Simpson : That's Carl.

  Homer Simpson : Oh, yeah.

  [to Shary] 

  Homer Simpson : So, you worked for Carl, eh?

  Bart Simpson : I have a question. Pop quiz, hotshot. I'm supposed to be doing my homework, but you find me upstairs reading a "Playdude". What do you do? What do you do?

  Shary Bobbins : I make you read every article in that magazine, including Norman Mailer's latest claptrap about his waning libido.

  Homer Simpson : Ooh. She is tough.

• Marge Simpson : [hiring Shary]  My, she seems too good to be true.

  Homer Simpson : I'll say. Her butt waxed the banister.

  Marge Simpson : [seeing her reflection]  Ooh! I can see myself.

• Shary Bobbins : The policeman on the beat/Needs some time to rest his feet.

  Chief Wiggum : Fighting crime is not my cup of tea.

  Shary Bobbins : And the clerk who runs the store/Can charge a little more/For meat.

  Apu : For meat.

  Shary Bobbins : And milk.

  Apu : And milk.

  Shary Bobbins , Apu : From 1984.

  Shary Bobbins : If... you... cut every corner, you'll have more time for play

  Homer Simpson , Marge Simpson , Bart Simpson , Lisa Simpson , Shary Bobbins : It's the American way.

  [as they leave Bart's room, Homer slams the door shut, and everything the kids put away spills back out] 

• Marge Simpson : I guess we're not going to find anyone.

  Lisa Simpson : We have our own suggestions for the new nanny. Would you like to hear them?

  Homer Simpson : You have my undivided attention.

  [his mind is distracted by animation accompanied by "Turkey in the Straw"] 

  Marge Simpson : Well, I'd like to hear your suggestions.

  Lisa Simpson : Maestro, if you please.

  [Bart turns on a boom box] 

  Lisa Simpson : [singing]  If you wish to be our sitter/Please be sweet and never bitter/Help us with math and book reports.

  Bart Simpson : Might I add, eat my shorts.

  Lisa Simpson : Bart!

  Bart Simpson : Just cuttin' through the treacle.

  Lisa Simpson : If Maggie's fussy, don't avoid her.

  Bart Simpson : Let me get away with moider.

  Bart Simpson , Lisa Simpson : Teach us songs and magic tricks.

  Homer Simpson : Might I add, no fat chicks.

  Marge Simpson : Homer!

  Lisa Simpson : The nanny we want is kindly and sage.

  Homer Simpson : And one who will work for minimum wage.

  Lisa Simpson : Hurry, nanny, things are grim.

  Abe Simpson : I'll do it!

  Bart Simpson , Lisa Simpson : Anyone but him.

• Bart Simpson : Ma, could you get me some milk?

  Marge Simpson : Can't you get it yourself?

  Bart Simpson : Oh, that's okay. I'll just go without liquid.

  Marge Simpson : [he starts hacking]  Oh, all right, all right. I'll get your milk.

  Bart Simpson : Thank you.

  Marge Simpson : [going to the kitchen]  Does anyone else want anything while I'm up?

  Bart Simpson , Lisa Simpson , Homer Simpson : No.

  Homer Simpson : [as soon as she returns and sits down]  Marge, get me a beer.

  Marge Simpson : Ooh!

  Lisa Simpson : Uh, mom?

  Marge Simpson : [snappishly]  What?

  Lisa Simpson : [meekly]  Um, there's a hair in my soup. But I'll just eat around it.

  Marge Simpson : What kind of hair?

  Lisa Simpson : Well, it's blue. Six feet long...

  Bart Simpson , Homer Simpson : Ew!

  Marge Simpson : It's my hair! Excuse me.

  Homer Simpson : Your mother seems really upset about something. I'd better go have a talk with her. During the commercial.

• Shary Bobbins : I believe my work here is done.

  Marge Simpson : Thank you for everything.

  Lisa Simpson , Bart Simpson : We'll miss you, Shary Bobbins.

  Homer Simpson : You've changed me, as well. I'm no longer the money-driven workaholic I once was.

  Shary Bobbins : I love you all.

  [giving them a final wave and leaving] 

  Shary Bobbins : Oh! To think I'll never hear those sweet voices again.

  Homer Simpson : [crashing through the front window, strangling Bart]  Aw, you... you... you little...!

  Shary Bobbins : Oh.

  [heading back in, she sees Lisa aimlessly banging on a pot, and gasps upon seeing Maggie using a fire extinguisher to put out the front curtains and Marge shivering, with her hair falling out again] 

  Shary Bobbins : Oh, I'll just unpack my things.

  Abe Simpson : [floating outside through the open door]  I think we got our umbrellas switched! Whee! I never felt so alive!

  [he begins snoring as he floats away] 

• Lisa Simpson : More kippers, mum?

  Marge Simpson : Oh, thank you.

  Homer Simpson : Ooh, I can't get enough of this blood pudding.

  Bart Simpson : The secret ingredient is blood.

  Homer Simpson : Blood? Ugh! I'll just stick to the brain and kidney pie, thank you.

• Homer Simpson : [watching a depressed, drinking Shary]  Aw, that poor woman.

  Lisa Simpson : We've crushed her gentle spirit.

  Bart Simpson : You people should be ashamed of yourselves.

• Shary Bobbins : [singing]  In front of a tavern/Flat on his face/A boozehound named Barney/Is pleading his case.

  Barney : Buy me a beer/Two bucks a glass/Come on, help me/I'm freezing my ass/Buy me a brandy/A snifter of wine/Who am I kidding?/I'll drink turpentine.

  Moe : Move it, ya drunk/Or I'll blast your rear end.

  Barney : I found two bucks.

  Moe : Then come in, my friend.

  Shary Bobbins : And so, let us leave/On this heartwarming scene.

  Bart Simpson : [falling asleep]  Can I be a boozehound?

  Homer Simpson : Not 'til you're 15.

• Marge Simpson : Shary, you did the best you could, but you can't change this family, and neither can I. From now on, I'm just gonna sit back and enjoy the ride.

  Shary Bobbins : But haven't I taught you people anything?

  Homer Simpson : Nope.

  Lisa Simpson : No.

  Bart Simpson : Nope.

  Marge Simpson : No.

  Shary Bobbins : So you like it this way?

  Homer Simpson : Indubitably!

  [singing] 

  Homer Simpson : Around the house/I never lift a finger/As a husband and father, I'm sub-par/I'd rather drink a beer than win Father of the Year/I'm happy with things the way they are.

  Lisa Simpson : I'm getting used to never getting noticed.

  Bart Simpson : I'm stuck here 'til I can steal a car.

  Marge Simpson : The house is still a mess/And I'm going bald from stress.

  Marge Simpson , Homer Simpson , Bart Simpson , Lisa Simpson : But we're happy just the way we are!

  Ned Flanders : They're not perfect, but the Lord says love thy neighbor.

  Homer Simpson : Shut up, Flanders.

  Ned Flanders : Okely-dokely-do.

  Shary Bobbins : Don't think it's sour grapes/But you're all a bunch of apes/And so I must be leaving you.

  Bart Simpson , Lisa Simpson : [watching her fly away]  Goodbye, Shary Bobbins!

  Marge Simpson : Thanks for everything!

  Barney : So long, Superman!

• Homer Simpson : Shary Bobbins! I want another beer.

  Shary Bobbins : Well, you know, Homer...

  [singing] 

  Shary Bobbins : If there's a job that must be done/You'll find it's much more fun...

  Homer Simpson : [interrupting]  You'll find it's even *more* fun if *you* get it for *me*.

  Shary Bobbins : [continuing]  But the beer will taste more sweet/If you get up off your seat...

  Bart Simpson : Lady, the man asked for a beer, not a song.

• Marge Simpson : That Shary Bobbins is a miracle worker! The kids love her, the house is spotless, and my hair's grown back! It's so full and thick, it can support a beach umbrella.

  Homer Simpson : [she demonstrates]  Come to bed, Marge.

  Marge Simpson : Oh! Ooh.

  Homer Simpson : [she moves to take the umbrella out]  No, no. Leave it in.