- Cody Martin: Okay, you can't go wrong buying jewlery. When buying diamonds, follow the rules of the four "c's;" Cut, clarity, carat, and color.
- Zack Martin: Don't foget about the fifth "c." Crime. Which is the only way were going to get any of this.
- Liam Fitzpatrick: You have no friends! Except this creepy dweeb!
- Zack Martin: Come over here booger! I'll straighten your teeth!
- London Tipton: Well, you're gonna miss Sheryl Crow singing!
- Maddie: Well you're gonna miss my Uncle Seamus singing. And when he does Auld Lang Syne there's not a dry eye in the house!
- Zack Martin: You know, none of the salespeople are gonna take us seriously
- Cody Martin: Of course they will. We just have to act like we know what we're doing. Suave sophisticated. Ahh naked lady! Aaah more naked ladies! Aaaaah!
- Zack Martin: Umm, my brother's just practicing the heimlich maneuver. You can never be too safe!
- Snooty Woman: If I sell ya something cheap do you promise to leave and never come back?
- Zack Martin: How cheap?
- Snooty Woman: The cheapest thing we have is 100 dollars
- Zack Martin: Well, all I have is 12 bucks and a bus token. But I need the bus token to get home
- Snooty Woman: Tell you what. Keep your money and I'll just throw you out for free!
- Cody Martin: But we were just getting to know each other!
- Maddie: Aw, Zack that's so sweet. Did anyone else come with you?
- Zack Martin: No but I'm ready to PARTY!
- [Looks around and sees old people playing BINGO]
- Zack Martin: Who died?
- Maddie: I love your gift.
- Zack Martin: But it wasn't even from me.
- Maddie: You came to my party. That's the greatest gift you could have given me.
- Zack Martin: Women!
- [Maddie pulls him into a hug]
- Zack Martin: Women.