South Park (TV Series)

Toilet Paper (2003)

Trey Parker: Stan Marsh, Eric Cartman, Jason, Miss Streebel's Boyfriend, Mr. Garrison, Mr. Mackey, Officer Barbrady, Prison Guard, Josh Myers, Chris Stotch

Quotes 

• Cartman : Okay. Last night, all four of us were at the bowling alley until about 7:30, at which time we noticed Ally Sheedy, the Goth chick from the Breakfast Club, was bowling in the lane next to us, and we asked her for her autograph, but she didn't have a pen, so we followed her out to her car, but on the way we were accosted by five Scientologists who wanted to give us all personality tests, which were administered at the Scientology Center in Denver until 10:45, at which time we accidentally boarded the wrong bus home and ended up in Rancho de Fritas Rojos, south of Castle Rock, and finally got a ride home with a man who was missing his left index finger, named Gary Bushwell, arriving home at 11:46.

• Cartman : So how are things, Kyle?

  Kyle Broflovski : Terrible. Every time I close my eyes I see the house we TP'ed. I see the tears of our art teacher and hear the screams of her daughters.

  Cartman : And you feel like you have to confess.

  Kyle Broflovski : I don't know what to do. Part of me feels like I have to end it all now, tell people what happened.

  [Cartman sneaks up behind Kyle with a bat] 

  Kyle Broflovski : You know, I never notice how beautiful this pond was before. So calm. You know the world can be like that, so calm on the outside, as if nothing bad ever happens.

  [Cartman hits Kyle in the head with the bat] 

  Kyle Broflovski : Ow! What the hell are you doing Cartman?

  Cartman : I'm killing you, but unfortunately I could only afford a Whiffle Bat so its going to take a while.

  [Bonks Kyle on the head again] 

  Kyle Broflovski : Cartman!

  Cartman : Don't fight it, Kyle, it will only take longer. Just slip into sweet unconciousness.

  [bonks Kyle two more times] 

  Kyle Broflovski : You want to kill me, fine! I can't live like this anymore, go ahead! Do it!

  Cartman : [bonks Kyle 9 times]  It won't be long now, Kyle.

  [continues to bonk Kyle on the head] 

• Grocery Store Employee : Hey boys. Okay, toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper. So what are you up to tonight?

  Cartman : Oh, probably watch a movie, maybe play a couple of board games.

  Grocery Store Employee : Nice night at home, huh? Toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper, chewing gum. Hey, you kids be careful with this chewing gum. Don't go sticking it under any tables.

  Stan Marsh : Okay.

  Grocery Store Employee : Okay, toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper, toilet paper. Hey, I remember you coming in here last week buying this much toilet paper.

  Cartman : Oh yeah, that's right.

  Kyle Broflovski : You TP'd another house last week?

  Cartman : No, it was fajita night at my house.

• Officer Barbrady : Mr. Bell, do you remember anyone suspicious buying toilet paper in the last few days?

  Jason : Suspicious like how?

  Officer Barbrady : Well, like someone who was black, or Mexican, or middle eastern.

• Kyle Broflovski : You confessed?

  [confused about Butters behind bars for what they did] 

  Butters Stotch : Yeah, uh huh; they said that I TP'ed the art teacher's house. I don't seem to remember it, but they're pretty sure it was me. I just can't get my behavior under control.

  [grabbing at the bars and looking angry] 

  Officer Barbrady : His parents are on their way down now.

  Butters Stotch : Yeah, and boy are they gonna let me have it. You just wait until my father gets here.

  Kyle Broflovski : You guys, we can't let him do this.

  [conferring away from Barbrady and Butters] 

  Cartman : What are you talking about? This is a gift from God! An early Easter present all wrapped up from Jesus Christ himself!

  Butters Stotch : Well, I'm just a little asshole is what I am.

• Officer Barbrady : [picks up phone]  Police station.

  Josh : Hello Officer Barbrady.

  Officer Barbrady : Josh? Josh, where are you?

  Josh : I'm afraid I can't give you that information, as it will effect my freedom.

  Officer Barbrady : Josh, you have to go back to juvenile hall. You only have a three week sentence.

  Josh : I must go. There is something I have been wanting to do for a long time.

  [Josh is walking off toward the White House] 

• Stan Marsh : Look, Kyle, just let Cartman do all the talking, okay? He's better at being in trouble than anybody.

  Cartman : Thank you, Stan.