- Jordan: Will you say good bye to Jack before I drop him off at preschool?
- Dr. Cox: [pets his sons head] Bye, little man.
- Jordan: Perry, this is your son, not a pitbull. Give him a kiss.
- Dr. Cox: Jordan, he's starting to look like a guy. And I'm just not real big on kissing guys. I mean, when my father wanted to show me affection he would just purposely miss when he threw bottles at my head.
- Jordan: You are gonna be a much better dad than your dad was. Now give him a proper goodbye!
- Dr. Cox: [shakes Jack's hand] Son, always a pleasure. No more kissing!
- [Cox walks off]
- Jordan: You're crazy!
- Carla: I don't understand, why wouldn't you kiss him?
- Dr. Cox: [singing voice] Stay out of it, Carla!
- Mrs. Wilk: Stay out of what?
- Carla: Dr. Cox won't kiss his son.
- Mrs. Wilk: What is wrong with you?
- Dr. Cox: Ladies, I hate to disappoint but my quota for women who bug the living bejeezus out of me has been met for the next billion years.
- Julie Quinn: It's so late, I gotta go. I have a dog and a fish. I have to feed them and walk them and stuff. I'm Julie! Hi!
- Elliot: I was Elliot.
- Patient: I'm a Jehovah's Witness, I can't get a transfusion. We believe that blood should not be passed from person to person
- Dr. Cox: Well I'm a doctor and we believe that without surgery a patient in your condition can suffer from a major case of deadness.
- Carla: Don't worry, he will figure out another way to treat you
- Dr. Cox: [laughing as he walks off] Hehehe! No he won't!
- Carla: So what's the deal, cranky pants?
- Dr. Cox: I'm just sick and tired of having to living up to everybody's expectations. Lonnie needs a central line, you want me to help Mrs London and every patient in this dump looks at me for some miracle cure. I mean honestly Carla, with Jehovah as my witness, sometimes it is just too much.
- Carla: Yeah, I'm not buying it. You've been putting up with this stuff around here for over 20 years.
- Dr. Cox: Not just here; at home too. Jordan expects me to be this amazing sensitive father.
- Carla: So that is what this is about? You shouldn't sweat the sensitive Dad stuff. You'll get there.
- Dr. Cox: You don't know anything.
- J.D.: I think it's important to listen to the people who know you best. Because if you do, you might get to rock.
- Turk: Dr. Kelso? I'll go to that conference.
- Dr. Kelso: Turkleton, I have many more pressing issues, starting with a gigantic paralyzed wife and ending with a gay son who has just written a scathing musical about me called "Dr. Dad" which, despite mixed reviews, has just been held over in Buffalo. So why don't you just do whatever the hell you want to do?
- J.D.: [Voice over] So I had to use Elliot's advice with Julie. Luckily, she's not great at gloating.
- Elliot: Ha ha, you had sex last night with a beautiful girl that you really like!
- J.D.: [Voice over] Sometimes she needs a little help.
- [out loud]
- J.D.: Uh, you probably meant if it weren't for you, I'd still be dating my laptop.
- Elliot: Right. In your face, ha ha!
- [whispering]
- Elliot: Thank you.
- Elliot: So, you got the second date. Just don't repeat the same mistakes you made with me. For instance, don't speed down the road and pretend your brakes are out. I don't care if it got you laid once in high school. It is not funny, and I still have not forgiven you for killing that family's pony. But most importantly, if you ever find yourself in a romantic situation again, ignore whatever pops into your head. Just look into her eyes and say these exact words: I'm. So glad. I found you.
- Janitor: [Janitor points to Dr. Kelso on the security camera monitor] You see that man there? His biggest pet peeve--except for employees storing deer meat in his office mini-fridge--is people being disrespectful to him.
- Julie Quinn: Are we crazy to be thinking about buying this?
- J.D.: No, it's a sound investment and a great addition to my portfolio.
- [Voice over]
- J.D.: Which consists of two shares of Eastern Airlines stock and a pack of unopened Les Mis trading cards.