South Park (TV Series)

Erection Day (2005)

Trey Parker: Stan Marsh, Eric Cartman, Mr. Mackey, Jimmy Valmer, Dr. Pal, Ms. Garrison, Roma, Officer Barbrady, Narrator, Girl on Piano, Red Goth, Motorbike Rider, Clark, Stephen Stotch

Quotes 

• Jimmy Vulmer : Butters, do you know what you're supposed to do when your penis gets hard?

  Butters Stotch : Well sure I do!

  Jimmy Vulmer : Really?

  Butters Stotch : Yes, sit down Jimmy. We should have a little talk. You see, Jimmy, when a man's penis becomes hard, the man puts it into a lady, into her vagina. Then, the hard penis sneezes milk inside the lady's tunnel and after it's all done sneezing milk the penis stops being hard and the man loses interest in the lady.

  Jimmy Vulmer : So when your penis becomes hard, you're supposed to put it in a ladies vagina and it stops being hard?

  Butters Stotch : That's right, Jimmy.

  Jimmy Vulmer : But where am I going to find a lady to stick my penis in? The talent show is this Friday!

• Mr. Mackey : M'kay, now I asked you to submit questions to this question and answer box. I promise to keep them anonymous. I got a lot o' responses, so let's see what the first one says.

  [Pulls a slip of paper out and reads it] 

  Mr. Mackey : "Mr. Mackey is gay."

  [the class begins to laugh] 

  Mr. Mackey : Now, now that is not funny, m'kay? This was supposed to be a box for serious questions. Let's read the next one.

  [Pulls another slip of paper out and reads it] 

  Mr. Mackey : "Dear Mr. Mackey: you are gay." Damn it!

  [Pulls a third slip of paper out] 

  Mr. Mackey : "Dear Mr. Mackey: sometimes my parents hit me... and you are gay." Damn it, is there not one serious question in here, m'kay?

  [Searches the box] 

  Mr. Mackey : "Mr Mackey is gay," "Mr. Mackey is gay," "Mr. Mackey is gay..."

• Mrs. Garrison : [Ike has just finished his act]  Okay, very nice, Ike, thank you. All right, children, it looks like we have no more contestants, which means the Talent Show is over! Now we will tally up the judges' scores and find out which act they hated the least.

• Mr. Garrison : [during the school talent show]  And now, performing select readings from the movie Scarface, Eric Cartman!

  Eric Cartman : [imitating Tony Montana]  What you lookin' at? You all a bunch of fuckin' assholes. You know why? You don't have the guts to be what you wanna be? You need people like me. You need people like me so you can point your fuckin' fingers and say, "That's the bad guy."

• Eric Cartman : How come Jimmy doesn't have to do it?

  Mr. Mackey : Well, because Jimmy's pitching a tent right now.

• Mr. Mackey : [Reads an anonymous letter to class]  Dear Mr. Mackey: I am a student at South Park Elementary. Sometimes when I'm sitting in class, my penis becomes hard for no reason. What should I do?

  [Cartman and everyone else starts laughing] 

• Officer Barbrady : You're welcome, Jim.