South Park (TV Series)

Jared Has Aides (2002)

Trey Parker: Stan Marsh, Eric Cartman, Twong Lu Kim, Subway Commercial, Mr. Garrison, Randy Marsh, Jared Fogle, Scott, Subway Spokesman, Man in Crowd #1, Man in Crowd #2, Chris Stotch, News Reporter, Skeeter, Phillip, Mr. Mackey

Quotes 

• [last lines] 

  Cartman : [sitting in a lawn chair in front of the Stotch's house, listening to Butters getting beaten by his parents]  Oh, man, if I was older I would totally start jacking off right now.

• Cartman : [pretending to be Butters on the phone]  No, I'm not watching television, dad. I'm just lying around jackin' it. My hot spicy boner, of course.

• [the citizens of South Park are about to hang Jared] 

  Stan Marsh : Stop!

  Chef : Stay back, children! Jared wants to give you all AIDS!

  Stan Marsh : No, you don't understand. Jared doesn't have AIDS aides! He has assistants! Two guys who help him out that he calls his aides!

  Mayor McDaniels : Oh! So Jared's aides are like my aides?

  Jared Fogle : Yes! You mean you thought I meant? Oh my god!

  Chef : So what he was really saying was that children should have the same kind of help that he did.

• Kyle Broflovski : [Butters is frightened and in pain as the boys crank out his body fat in a crude home liposuction]  You've got to lose that weight, Butters! How else are we going to make that City Wok commercial?

  Cartman : [Butters keeps whining]  Shut up, Butters. God! Kenny would have taken it like a man.

• Cartman : Oh, my God - you guys: I think I'm having a genius moment. Yes! Yes! It's coming to me now!

  [rubbing his belly with both hands] 

  Stan Marsh : Is that - that's diarrhea.

• Linda Stotch : Butters, your father called and said you made him very upset.

  Cartman : [impersonating butters]  Yeah, well Dad's being a little pussy, Mom.

  Linda Stotch : Butters! Where did you get that kind of smart mouth?

  Cartman : [impersonating Butters]  Uh, not from you dumbasses, that's for sure.

• Chris Stotch : Butters, are you having liposuction surgery? Tell me the truth.

  Butters Stotch : Yes sir.

  Linda Stotch : This is unbelievable! How many times have we told you never to have self-performed liposuction surgery in our house?

  Butters Stotch : Four times, Mom.

• Chef : Well, if you want him to get really fat as fast as possible, one of you will have to marry him.

  Stan Marsh : Marry him?

  Chef : It definitely worked for every woman I ever met.

• Stan Marsh : It's only in America that somebody can become famous just because they go from being a big fat ass to not being a big fat ass.

• Cartman : I can't lose weight, Butters, because I'm not fat, I'm big boned.. You can't slim down bones, stupid!