My Family (TV Series)

Desperately Squeaking Susan (2002)

Robert Lindsay: Ben Harper

Photos 

Quotes 

• [about Nick] 

  Susan : I didn't give him cash.

  Ben : Good!

  Susan : I gave him your bank card.

• Michael : [Reads a text message from Nick to Ben]  "Tesco's out of Brie, so gn to Paris."

  Ben : "Gn?"

  Michael : "Prices 2 high, so gn to Nice for chse."

  Ben : Mm-hmm.

  Michael : "Don't worry about money. I have Dad's bnk card." Any reply?

  Ben : Yep, yep.

  [Michael types in reply] 

  Ben : "Dr Nk, u r f'd."

• Susan : Sometimes, I wish we'd had another girl.

  Ben : What, like a spare, in case one of them gets mislaid?

• Susan : I thought you were going to wear your white linen suit.

  Ben : I can't find it.

  Ben : Probably with your smile.

• Ben : [about his cousin, Richard]  The only ever time I see Richard is when he wants to borrow money. Which reminds me of someone.

  [Nick turns up behind Ben] 

• [first lines] 

  Susan : I'm worried about Nick.

  Ben : Too late for Nick. Maybe you should worry about Michael.

  Susan : I sent him out to buy some Brie for my strawberries au gratin.

  Ben : Isn't that potatoes au gratin?

  Susan : That's a side dish; this is dessert.

• Susan : You're nothing like any of *your* children.

  Ben : That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.

• Susan : I'm sad because somehow, now Janey's gone, the house seems somehow...

  Ben : Better?

  Susan : ...masculine.

  Ben : Ah.

  Susan : The house is full of men doing their men things. Michael with his computer. You with your soundproofing. Nick with his Action Man repair business.

  Ben : I think you're a little bit behind the times. He's a magician now.

  Susan : Oh no!

  Ben : Oh yes!

  Susan : Well, you never know, he might be good at it.

  Ben : Well, he certainly made 20 years of our life disappear.

• Susan : How about I invite a nice female friend for dinner?

  Ben : No.

  Susan : It would make me happy.

  Ben : Nnnnno.

  Susan : Oh, well, I'll just have to remain sad. Alone. With my music.

  [Plays melancholic tune on her cello] 

  Ben : You know what's really pathetic about this, Susan, is that you've already invited someone to dinner and I know you've invited someone to dinner and you know I know.

  Susan : That's what marriage is all about - not keeping secrets.

• Michael : [Stuggling to help Susan choose her clothes]  Dad, help!

  Ben : Tell her she looks fantastic in both, but blue's her real colour.

  Michael : No, dad! She's turning me into a girl! I hate this house!

• Susan : This is why I think it would be nice to have Abi for dinner. A little oestrogen fix for mummy!

  Ben : Hah! Damn hellfire, forgot! Yeah! Wednesday night, ah! I've arranged to see some patients. Sorry.

  Susan : Oh. OK.

  Ben : Yeah, Wednesday night. That's the night you've invited Abi and I'm sorry I can't make it. Sorry. Any other night but Wednesday.

  Susan : Well, that's alright - because she's coming tonight.

  Ben : [stunned - after long pause]  You said Wednesday night!

  Susan : I did, didn't I?

• Susan : Things are looking up, then.

  Abi Harper : Yeah. That's what I thought when I came down here. Get away from the family. College. New life. New people. Same old crap.

  Susan : So, how's the course going?

  Abi Harper : Crap.

  Susan : But you must've met some nice people your age?

  Abi Harper : No, they're crap.

  Susan : And the teachers?

  Abi Harper : Crap.

  Susan : But surely you're enjoying the wild parties, the clubbing?

  Abi Harper : Not really. They're all a little bit...

  Ben : Would you like to borrow a thesaurus for this one?

• Nick : I see you've found my flags of all nations - classic but never stale!

  Ben : What are they doing in my drawer?

  Nick : Ah, a good magician never reveals his secrets.

  Ben : Oh, you're a magician now, are you?

  Nick : Yeah, and you've found my cabinet of mystery!

  Ben : The only mystery in this house is why we allow you to stay here.

• Nick : [about his magician job]  Nah, listen, dad. There could be big money in this. If I make it, I'll buy you a house of your own.

  Ben : Yeah, I used to have one of those.

• Nick : I spent ages trying to think what to call myself.

  Ben : You should've come to me.

  Nick : Marvo the Mystifier! The Baffling Sandovar! The Great Confuso!

  Ben : The Waste of Space!

• Ben : Nick, I am just looking for a tape measure!

  Nick : What do you want that for?

  Ben : Never mind!

  Nick : Don't worry, dad. It's not the meat, it's the motion!

  Ben : Nick, I am *this* close!

  Nick : I see your problem!

• Abi Harper : I'm just a bit depressed, alright?

  Susan : No, no, we understand.

  Abi Harper : No. You've invited me out for dinner and I've ruined your whole evening.

  Ben : Oh, nonsense! There's still three hours to go! Who knows what might happen next - avalanche, tsunami...

  Susan : Divorce.

• Susan : [about Abi]  Look on the bright side - you've rekindled your relationship with your cousin's daughter.

  Ben : Yeah, I was coming to that. It was a perfectly good distant acquaintance and you turned it into a relationship. There's no going back - we've been in casualty together!

• Ben : What do you want?

  Nick : I need a woman.

  Susan : Have you tried washing your armpits?

• Ben : [about Abi]  Look, Susan, stop it! We've done our duty. We invited her around. We gave her a meal.

  Susan : A packet of Quavers from the hospital vending machine?

  Ben : OK! Right! And we took her home, we... we... we walked to the door... What do you want us to do? Tuck her in? Read her a bedtime story and...

  Susan : [On the phone]  Ben, there's no answer.

  Ben : Of course not! It's past midnight!

  Susan : She could be lying unconscious.

  Ben : So could I if you just shut up!

• Susan : I think we should drive over there and see if she's OK.

  Ben : No! Susan, go to sleep!

  Susan : I can't! I'm too tense!

  Ben : Susan, you are not driving over to Abi's place!

  Susan : No. I'm going to play my cello.

  Ben : Alright, I'll drive!

• Nick : What happened to you?

  Ben : I married your mother!

• Abi Harper : [after being evicted]  I suppose I'll find somewhere else.

  Ben : Yes, I wouldn't worry. There'll always be a place for you in casualty.

• Abi Harper : It's nice having a family. Families are great. And what's best about a family is being all together... in a family.

  Ben : Tell me, Abi. Something's really bothering me. And, er... did, by any chance, Susan ring you this morning to invite you over?

  Abi Harper : I'm not allowed to say!

  Ben : Alright. It's alright, I won't be angry.

  Abi Harper : Yes, she did!

  Ben : Oh, bloody hell!

• Ben : Tell me, this idea of asking Abi to move in - when exactly did it first occur to you?

  Susan : Well...

  Ben : Was it when you saw the state of her lodgings?

  Susan : No.

  Ben : Was it last night in casualty?

  Susan : Of course not!

  Ben : Or perhaps it was when she put her hand through the window? Or maybe... maybe it was before you even mentioned Abi to me at all?

  Susan : Well, you know what they say: when you think the trick is happening, it's already been done.

• Abi Harper : [Walks in with Susan's cello stuck on her right foot]  Honestly, what stupid idiot left this cello on the floor?

  Ben : [to Susan, looking mortified]  Yep! Perhaps there's an upside to this after all!

• Nick : Can I borrow some money?

  Ben : No!

  Nick : Before you say no...

  Ben : No!

  Nick : ...wait till you hear what I want it for.

  Ben : Go on.

  Nick : Doves.

  Ben : No!

  Nick : Oh, come on, dad! Every magician needs doves! How else is Brian Miles going to make a name for himself?

  Ben : As a murder victim!

• Ben : Nick, that, er... suit?

  Nick : Great, innit? Had to dye it, obviously! Give it a bit of the old Brian Miles mystery - shazam!

  Ben : Tell me, Nick. It wouldn't, by any chance, have been white, would it?

  Nick : Yes!

  Ben : White... white linen?

  Nick : That's right!

  Ben : Where did you get it from?

  Nick : Oxfam shop, 90p.

  Ben : It's mine, isn't it?

  Nick : Was, dad! I donated it last week!

  Ben : Why didn't you just take it?

  Nick : Oh, come on! That'd be stealing! Plus, now we're 90p closer to ending world hunger!