- Ben: [about his cousin, Richard] The only ever time I see Richard is when he wants to borrow money. Which reminds me of someone.
- [Nick turns up behind Ben]
- Susan: I'm sad because somehow, now Janey's gone, the house seems somehow...
- Ben: Better?
- Susan: ...masculine.
- Ben: Ah.
- Susan: The house is full of men doing their men things. Michael with his computer. You with your soundproofing. Nick with his Action Man repair business.
- Ben: I think you're a little bit behind the times. He's a magician now.
- Susan: Oh no!
- Ben: Oh yes!
- Susan: Well, you never know, he might be good at it.
- Ben: Well, he certainly made 20 years of our life disappear.
- Susan: How about I invite a nice female friend for dinner?
- Ben: No.
- Susan: It would make me happy.
- Ben: Nnnnno.
- Susan: Oh, well, I'll just have to remain sad. Alone. With my music.
- [Plays melancholic tune on her cello]
- Ben: You know what's really pathetic about this, Susan, is that you've already invited someone to dinner and I know you've invited someone to dinner and you know I know.
- Susan: That's what marriage is all about - not keeping secrets.
- Susan: Ah, Michael!
- Michael: Oh, no!
- Susan: [Showing him a striped top and a plain red top] This one or this one?
- Michael: Now I know what Janey was for.
- Susan: Come on, Michael.
- Michael: Well, either.
- Susan: Michael!
- Michael: Alright, erm... that one makes your eyes look red and the stripes on that will make you look fat!
- Susan: This is why I think it would be nice to have Abi for dinner. A little oestrogen fix for mummy!
- Ben: Hah! Damn hellfire, forgot! Yeah! Wednesday night, ah! I've arranged to see some patients. Sorry.
- Susan: Oh. OK.
- Ben: Yeah, Wednesday night. That's the night you've invited Abi and I'm sorry I can't make it. Sorry. Any other night but Wednesday.
- Susan: Well, that's alright - because she's coming tonight.
- Ben: [stunned - after long pause] You said Wednesday night!
- Susan: I did, didn't I?
- Susan: Things are looking up, then.
- Abi Harper: Yeah. That's what I thought when I came down here. Get away from the family. College. New life. New people. Same old crap.
- Susan: So, how's the course going?
- Abi Harper: Crap.
- Susan: But you must've met some nice people your age?
- Abi Harper: No, they're crap.
- Susan: And the teachers?
- Abi Harper: Crap.
- Susan: But surely you're enjoying the wild parties, the clubbing?
- Abi Harper: Not really. They're all a little bit...
- Ben: Would you like to borrow a thesaurus for this one?
- Nick: I see you've found my flags of all nations - classic but never stale!
- Ben: What are they doing in my drawer?
- Nick: Ah, a good magician never reveals his secrets.
- Ben: Oh, you're a magician now, are you?
- Nick: Yeah, and you've found my cabinet of mystery!
- Ben: The only mystery in this house is why we allow you to stay here.
- Abi Harper: I'm just a bit depressed, alright?
- Susan: No, no, we understand.
- Abi Harper: No. You've invited me out for dinner and I've ruined your whole evening.
- Ben: Oh, nonsense! There's still three hours to go! Who knows what might happen next - avalanche, tsunami...
- Susan: Divorce.
- Ben: [about Abi] Look, Susan, stop it! We've done our duty. We invited her around. We gave her a meal.
- Susan: A packet of Quavers from the hospital vending machine?
- Ben: OK! Right! And we took her home, we... we... we walked to the door... What do you want us to do? Tuck her in? Read her a bedtime story and...
- Susan: [On the phone] Ben, there's no answer.
- Ben: Of course not! It's past midnight!
- Susan: She could be lying unconscious.
- Ben: So could I if you just shut up!
- Abi Harper: [after being evicted] I suppose I'll find somewhere else.
- Ben: Yes, I wouldn't worry. There'll always be a place for you in casualty.
- Abi Harper: It's nice having a family. Families are great. And what's best about a family is being all together... in a family.
- Ben: Tell me, Abi. Something's really bothering me. And, er... did, by any chance, Susan ring you this morning to invite you over?
- Abi Harper: I'm not allowed to say!
- Ben: Alright. It's alright, I won't be angry.
- Abi Harper: Yes, she did!
- Ben: Oh, bloody hell!
- Ben: Tell me, this idea of asking Abi to move in - when exactly did it first occur to you?
- Susan: Well...
- Ben: Was it when you saw the state of her lodgings?
- Susan: No.
- Ben: Was it last night in casualty?
- Susan: Of course not!
- Ben: Or perhaps it was when she put her hand through the window? Or maybe... maybe it was before you even mentioned Abi to me at all?
- Susan: Well, you know what they say: when you think the trick is happening, it's already been done.
- Abi Harper: [Walks in with Susan's cello stuck on her right foot] Honestly, what stupid idiot left this cello on the floor?
- Ben: [to Susan, looking mortified] Yep! Perhaps there's an upside to this after all!
- Ben: Nick, that, er... suit?
- Nick: Great, innit? Had to dye it, obviously! Give it a bit of the old Brian Miles mystery - shazam!
- Ben: Tell me, Nick. It wouldn't, by any chance, have been white, would it?
- Nick: Yes!
- Ben: White... white linen?
- Nick: That's right!
- Ben: Where did you get it from?
- Nick: Oxfam shop, 90p.
- Ben: It's mine, isn't it?
- Nick: Was, dad! I donated it last week!
- Ben: Why didn't you just take it?
- Nick: Oh, come on! That'd be stealing! Plus, now we're 90p closer to ending world hunger!