- Eddie: Still, at least we got the duck.
- Richie: The duck?
- Eddie: Yeah. It's made out of plastic!
- Richie: Eddie, what in the name of Greek buggery, is the use of a plastic duck?
- Eddie: It floats in the bath.
- [Wobbles with the duck]
- Eddie: Hello?
- Richie: [Deep sigh] But why?
- Eddie: It's hollow.
- Richie: [Starting to loose patience] Why the duck?
- Eddie: It came free with the telly.
- Richie: [Almost going mad] Eddie, everything came free with the telly, we were looting! Why not get a free telly with the telly?
- Eddie: Well, it'd sink in the bath!
- [Eddie and Richie are watching burning buildings from their window]
- Eddie: You know, that's what I love about this country, Richie. Tradition.
- Richie: Yeah, yeah.
- Eddie: I mean, in the olden days, we used to let the Germans do this sort of thing for us.
- Richie: I know, I know. It's shocking, isn't it? I mean, us Brits are so much better at it, aren't we? I mean, look at that! Half of London is alight! That's British craftmanship, that is!
- [There is music playing from the streets]
- Eddie: Aw, look! There's the primary school Postman Pat float.
- Richie: [Adored] Aha.
- Eddie: [Adored] They make a little van and everything!
- Richie: Aha! Oh, look, look, they're ram-rading the off-licence!
- [Sound of braking glass]
- Richie: Aw! Bless 'em. they're too young to know, aren't they?
- Eddie: What?
- Richie: Well, that you've done it already.
- Eddie: Yep! Well, you have to get up early in the morning to beat uncle Eddie
- [looks at a stack of boxes filled with Malibu]
- Eddie: .
- Richie: Well, it's as I always say, Eddie. The carnival is a marvellous business opportunity.
- Eddie: Would you like me to toast your marshmellows?
- [Richie looks at him in disgust]
- Eddie: [Eddie holds up two marshmellows]
- Richie: Oh, I see what you mean. Yes, marvellous, Eddie, get on with it, yes, yes, yes. Right, now, I think we should just wait for the window of Curry's to blow, and then we'll pop out and do ourselves a bit of shopping. There's a 28-inch surround sound TV with Fasttext, FST, Nicam and loads of other bullocks that nobody understands, that I have me eye on for a couple of months now.
- Eddie: [Pulls back two black marshmellows from the fire] Bit overdone.
- Richie: Right. Shopping list, shopping list. I'll go grab hold of my ballpoint.
- [Both laughing]
- Eddie: [Glass breaks] Oh no, Richie! No time for crap double entendres. Curry's window's just blown. They've just thrown Aswad through it!
- Richie: Have they? Right. Banzai, baby! Bankrobbers on and let's go shopping!
- [Eddie and Richie are watching the riots fom their window]
- Richie: Some people are short-tempered, aren't they?
- Eddie: Yeah. well, about four or five thousand of 'em, by the looks of things.
- Richie: Yeah. But it's wonderful, though, Eddie. I mean, look. All the local communities are out there, on the streets.
- Eddie: Beating the shit out of each other.
- Richie: Yeah! Oh, I love carnival time. Oh, look at that policeman over there!
- Eddie: Which one?
- Richie: The one jumping up and down, waving his arms.
- Eddie: The one that's on fire?
- Richie: Yeah!
- Eddie: Now, well, he's got no one to blame but himself. It was him who started it all by appealing for calm.
- Richie: Was it?
- [To policeman]
- Richie: Provocative bastard!
- Eddie: I mean, what's the point in having a carnival if you can't get your shopping done?
- [Eddie and Richie are watching the riots from their window]
- Richie: Oh look! Here come the Nazis. Hurrah! That should get things going again!
- [There is a sound of broken glass]
- Eddie: They're going into 'The Lamb & Flag'. Oh yeah, thought so. Dick's throwing them out now. Oh no, the police are throwing them back in!
- [Sound of breaking glass]
- Eddie: Now that's just stupid! That's mindless! That's anti-social, that is!
- Richie: What?
- Eddie: Throwing those bottles about like that!
- Richie: No, no, Eddie, they're emptied.
- Eddie: Oh! Oh, that's allright, then.
- [To the Nazis]
- Eddie: You go stucking, mate! Have one on me!
- [He gets a bottle thrown at his head]
- Richie: Now that'll teach you, Eddie. You should stay out of politics. Oh, look! There's Father O'Malley!
- [They both make a cross, then two gunshots sound]
- Eddie: [To father] Nice shooting, father!
- [To Richie]
- Eddie: Blimey, he's had a few, hasn't he?
- Richie: Yeah. I think he should put his clothes back on.
- Eddie: Yeah. Mind you, I think his Dadness' thrown off the Nazi league.
- Richie: What? Are they gone? Aw!
- Eddie: [Looking through the window] You know, these must be the best seats for the annual Hammersmith riots.
- Richie: I know, I know. They are bloody marvellous, aren't they?
- [There is a big explosion in front of Eddie and Richie, to which they cheer and applaud]
- Richie: Well done!
- Eddie: Madness! Best part of the show so far!
- Richie: Encore!
- Eddie: That was Fatty Amal's kebab shop.
- Richie: Yeah. It was Fatty who threw the petrol bomb.
- Eddie: Yeah. I saw him take out the insurance only yesterday. Same every year.
- Richie: Yeah. Well, it'll be drinks on him again tonight.
- Eddie: [Sirens sound] Oh, look. Here comes the fire brigade.
- Richie: [Sounds of a car braking] Fatty's stopped them...
- Eddie: ... he's having a word...
- Richie: ... and money's changing hands...
- Eddie: [Sirens sound again] ... and they're off again.
- Richie: He must be going for the full rebuild again this year.
- Richie: Oh, I'd forgotten about that! Hey Eddie, look at this!
- [reaches inside his pants, gives a big yank, and gasps]
- Richie: Wrong one! Take a look at this!
- [tries again, and pulls a videocamera out of his pants]
- Richie: Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-taaah! What do you think?
- Eddie: How did you get all that in your trousers?
- Richie: Well, there's plenty of room in my trousers. Sadly.
- Eddie: Where did you get it from?
- Richie: Well, I found it in the back of a BBC van. I mean, it was just lying there, so I thought, I'll take it. I mean, I pay my licence fee.
- Eddie: No, you don't.
- Richie: No, but they don't know that.
- [Eddie and Richie are watching a secret video of the prime minister and a woman, thinking it's him with his mother]
- Eddie: He's obviously got a very high fever.
- Richie: Yeah.
- Eddie: And that's why she sucking the poison out of him.
- [They both move closer to the TV]
- Richie: I wish I had a mum like that.
- [They both have a painful expression]
- Eddie: [To TV] Yeah, that's right! Thrash the fever out of him!
- Richie: He's saying something, Eddie. What's he saying? Turn the sound up!
- Eddie: [Turns the volume button] Oh no, I think it's mute.
- Richie: Well, you can lip-read. What's he saying?
- Eddie: Er... "Oh, yes! Ooooh, yes! Oh, yeeeees! Ooooh, yeeeees! Oh, oh, oh, yeeeeeees! OH, YEEEEES! OH YEEEHEEEHEEES! Aaaaaah!"
- Richie: Ah, he's, he's calmed down a bit now.
- Eddie: Hang on, who's she?
- Richie: That must be his... his aunty.
- [surprised expression]
- Richie: She's very friendly, isn't she?
- Eddie: I think they must be sisters.
- Richie: Yeah, that'll be it.
- [to TV]
- Richie: NO, DON'T SIT THERE!
- Eddie: She can't have seen him!
- Richie: He'll suffocate!
- Eddie: I can't think that that's hygenic!
- Richie: Fret ye not, me old amigo. Because, if you care to take a peek inside my trousers, I think you'll find something in there that'll put a little smile on your face.
- Eddie: What you mean?
- Richie: Yes.
- Eddie: Sharon Stone?
- Richie: Ye... no!
- Eddie: Sharon Stone, with a sort of "Where's Eddie?" look on her face, wearing nothing but a honey sandwich?
- Richie: No!
- Eddie: A jam sandwich?
- Richie: No!
- Eddie: Got it! It's a kebab, isn't it? It's a kebab!
- Richie: It's not a kebab, Eddie! It's not a kebab!
- Eddie: Sharon Stone painted green, vacuum-packed with a copy of the Racing Post sticking out of her bum!
- Richie: Shut up!
- [Punches Eddie repeatedly]
- Eddie: [Dazed] Come in?
- Richie: Now, just shut up, you sick depraved Eddie-de-Sade! I've told you before not tell me your foul deviant fantasies! God, I won't be able to sleep tonight, I won't be able to see by tomorrow morning!
- [to himself]
- Richie: Just think Kenneth Clark, Richie, just Kenneth Clark, Kenneth Clark, Kenneth Clark, Kenneth Clark, Kenneth Clark,
- [looks down his trousers]
- Richie: John Selwyn Gummer!
- Eddie: [Eddie is severely injured from filming an accidents video] How was it then?
- Richie: Eddie.
- [Pats him on a sore area of the leg]
- Richie: You were *fabulous!* Just, just, just, just astonishing! I mean, I cried.
- Eddie: *You* cried?
- Richie: Yeah, I cried. When I realized we'd forgotten to put the tape in the camera.
- [Holds up video cassette]
- Eddie: Tape wasn't in the camera?
- Richie: -Ish.
- Eddie: Does that mean there's a sort of problem with the recording?
- Richie: We are going to have to go again.
- Eddie: What, back to casualty?
- Richie: Casting! Casting! Get me some dogs! Casting, get me some dogs! And get me some jodhpurs, and get me an eye patch. And a casting couch with a nudie bird on it. Major jugs. I mean *major* jugs! No, scratch! Eddie, I've got it. It has to be a wedding. It has to be a wedding! We've got to move with the market, Eddie, it's the eighties after all. Right, all I need to do is find a bird, get her to marry me, suddenly have a lot of friends to come to the reception, and then suddenly at the dance afterwards, bam! Somebody accidentally falls over a bit.
- Eddie: Or you could accidentally catch a dart in your head.
- Richie: You may have something there, Eddie.
- Eddie: Yeah, I think it's syphilis.
- Richie: I mean, everybody loves a dart in the head, don't they? That'll have the grannies wetting their knickers! I mean, toddlers falling off trikes, pah! This is the real stuff, we're living on the cutting edge of family video accidents! Let's do it!
- Eddie: Nevermind about me, how did you get on?
- Richie: Well not bad, not bad. Boots was a bit crowded and W.H Smith's was jammed and on fire a bit. There was an awful lot of blood in C & A's.
- Eddie: Hmmmm.
- Richie: Anyway, I popped into the Post Office on me way home to take some money out. It was a nightmare in there! You should've seen the queue! You should've seen the queue! By the time I got the front there was practically nothing left. There was no counter, no grill, no nothing.
- Eddie: Tell me something new, I mean, Laura Ashley was practically impenetrable.
- Richie: Well, I have heard that. Oh go on, have another Hob-Nob.
- Eddie: Doh! You are evil!
- Richie: Don't you start on me! Oh, it's just so good to get your feet up, isn't it?
- Eddie: No, I'm not that pervy.
- Richie: Are you not?
- Eddie: Did you see the fight going in the Semolina-U-Like? Oh, it's such a mess!
- Richie: What can you do?
- Eddie: I don't know.
- Richie: I blame the T.V.
- Eddie: I blame that Channel Tunnel.
- Richie: I blame those sprouts we had yesterday.