- Dr. Kelso: [talking to the janitor] Do you know the number one cause of death in the hospital?
- Dr. Cox: [walking by] Your breath?
- Dr. Kelso: Infection. And do you know how quickly infection spreads in a hospital?
- Dr. Cox: [walking by again] Your breath?
- Dr. Kelso: That doesn't make sense.
- Dr. Cox: [backsteps] Eh... Don't care.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Let me explain something to you, Keith, okay? I treat each and every one of you like unique individuals, okay? Take Gloria, for example, she's 400 years old. She needs to sleep a lot. I work around that schedule. Wolfman has gotta be home by daybeak, so he does all of his work come nightfall. Crazy Barry. Not allowed near children. We work around that.
- Keith: How come I don't get a nickname?
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: Not everyone's last name lends itself to a nickname, Keith.
- Keith: My last name is Dudemeister.
- Dr. John 'J.D.' Dorian: And what am I supposed to do with that? Okay, I'm not a magician.