South Park (TV Series)

The Return of Chef (2006)

Trey Parker: Stan Marsh, Eric Cartman, Narrator, Randy Marsh, Mrs. Garrison, Clyde Donavan, Detective Jarvis, William P. Connolly, Super Adventurer #2, Dr. Neelan, Strip Club DJ, Stripper #1, Chef's Motorboat Noises, Security Guard, Mr. Mackey

Quotes 

• Chef : Hello there, children!

  The Boys : Hey Chef.

  Chef : How's it going?

  Kyle : Good.

  Chef : Well, how about I meet you boys after work and we make love?

  Eric Cartman : Excuse me?

  Chef : Come on, children. You're my sexual fantasy. Let's all make sweet love.

  Kyle : Chef? Are you okay?

  Chef : I want to stick my balls inside your rectum, Kyle.

  Stan : Dude, what are you saying?

  Chef : [singing]  I'm gonna make love to your asshole, children.

  Stan : [after a long pause]  WHAT?

• Kyle : Chef, the police are asking questions about you.

  Chef : Oh, really? Well, let's all go home and make love.

  Stan : No, Chef! We don't want to make love to you.

  Chef : Kenny, how'd you like to sodomize my black ass?

  Kyle : Chef! Chef, you need to get out of here before you get arrested, all right?

  Chef : I specializes in your asshole, Kyle.

• Stan : Oh my god, they killed Chef!

  Kyle : You Bastards! You bastards!

• Super Adventure Club Head Explorer : You see, the Super Adventure Club was founded by the greatest explorer of all time, William P. Phinehas! Phinehas climbed the highest peaks, tamed the mightiest rivers, but every time he got somewhere, he realized that other explorers had beat him to it. Phinehas was depressed, until he realized that if he couldn't be the first to discover places, he could be the first to have sex with the native children that inhabited those areas! Phinehas quickly went down in history books as the first man to have sex with the Aborigine children at Uluru, and the first explorer to bugger all the underage mountainfolk of Nepal. But now the most wonderful part: you see, after having sex with all those children, Phinehas realized that molesting all those kids had made him immortal.

  Stan : [in disbelief]  Immortal.

  Super Adventure Club Head Explorer : He discovered that children have things called marlocks in their bodies. And when an adult has sex with a child, the marlocks implode, feeding the adult receptive cavity with energy that causes immortality, so saith the ruler of Bethos. Phinehas traveled the world, loving many, many children, and he lived for eternity. Until he was hit by a train in 1892.

  Kyle : Do you realize how retarded that sounds?

  Super Adventure Club Head Explorer : Is it any more retarded than the idea of God sending his son to die for our sins? Is it any more retarded than Buddha sitting beneath a tree for twenty years?

  Stan : Yeah. It's way, way more retarded.

• Eric Cartman : [Chef has impaled himself by falling, and has his face chewed off by a bear and a lion]  Wait, maybe he's still alive, they say that just after you die...

  Chef : [Farts and sprays diarrhea] 

  Eric Cartman : [pause]  Alright, let's go.

• Psychiatrist : What was Chef's favorite activity before it was having sex with children?

  Stan : Having sex with women.

• Super Adventure Club Head Explorer : That's what the Super Adventure Club does.

  Eric Cartman : Huh?

  Adventurer #2 : We travel the world and have sex with children.

  Adventurer #3 : Yes, what else would we do?