- Johnny Caravella: [about changing the format of the station] Ah, listen, you, you do mean *now*?
- Andy Travis: [as he leaves the control booth] Yes. And... you can say "booger" if you want to.
- Johnny Caravella: [gleefully flinging an old record off a turntable] Well, it's good-bye to the elevator music!
- [Johnny laughs sinisterly as he carefully places a different record on the turntable]
- Johnny Caravella: [with a sinister grin slowly emerging on his face] Do it!
- Johnny Caravella: [making the needles scratching the record sound effect, as he begins to speak on the air excitedly] All right, Cincinnati, it is time for this town to get *down*! Now, you got Johnny...
- Dr. Johnny Fever: ...Dr. Johnny Fever, and I am burnin' up in here! Whoo! Whoo! We all in critical condition, babies, but you can tell me where it hurts, because I got the healing prescription here from the big 'KRP musical medicine cabinet. Now I am talking about your fifty thousand watt intensive care unit, babies! So just sit right down, relax, open your ears real wide and say, "Give it to me straight, Doctor, I can take it!"
- [Johnny starts Ted Nugent's "Queen of the Forest" on the record, flails his arms in the air in excitement, then sits in his chair grabbing the mic]
- Dr. Johnny Fever: [putting on his sunglasses] I almost forgot, fellow babies: "booger!"
- Andy Travis: Mrs. Carlson, rock and roll is where the money is.
- Lillian Carlson: How much money?
- Andy Travis: Well, I think we can break even the first year, the second year I think...
- Lillian Carlson: Second year? I'm talking about now!
- Andy Travis: Well, these things take time, ma'am. We break even the first year, the second year we clear maybe eight hundred thousand after taxes...
- Lillian Carlson: Too little and too late!
- Arthur Carlson: Too little? Mama, that eight hundred thousand is *profits*, not losses!
- Lillian Carlson: I can sell the station for five times that amount right now! I want a faster turnaround!
- Andy Travis: Ma'am, well, I hate to say it, but I... I personally cannot work that way. I guess I am fired.
- Arthur Carlson: No, wait a minute! Mama look, you've been on my back for years to turn a profit here. Now when I'm finally getting started, you want to dump the station! Let me tell you something, if he goes, I go!
- Lillian Carlson: What?
- Arthur Carlson: That's what I said!
- Lillian Carlson: Arthur, you've never spoken to me that way before!
- Arthur Carlson: Yeah, well. Uh, do you like it?
- Lillian Carlson: I hate it! But it's the first time I've seen any sign of backbone in you.
- Johnny Caravella: [about the station format] What do you got in mind?
- Andy Travis: [as he rolls out a poster of the band, Kiss] Oh, I dunno. I haven't... quite decided yet.
- Johnny Caravella: [sits up and takes notice] Listen, uh, do you know about Carlson's mother?
- Andy Travis: Uh-huh.
- Johnny Caravella: "Uh-huh"? You're gonna love it in Amarillo.
- Andy Travis: Now, you have this thing you call "Eyewitness Weather". What is that?
- Les Nessman: Well, I just look out the window and witness the weather.
- Andy Travis: Uh-huh. And what about this station's traffic helicopter?
- Les Nessman: We don't have one.
- Andy Travis: So why do we have helicopter reports?
- Les Nessman: Well that's just me. See, I just get on the air and do this...
- Les Nessman: [standing at attention, beating his chest to make propeller sounds] "The traffic today is light to heavy..."
- Johnny Caravella: [to Andy] I'm Johnny Caravella. I'm also known as Johnny Midnight, Johnny Cool, Johnny Duke, Johnny Style and Johnny Sunshine. You can call me "Johnny", okay?
- Lillian Carlson: Mr. Travis, are you responsible for the strange sounds I heard emanating from my radio this morning?
- Andy Travis: I am.
- Lillian Carlson: Well, explain yourself!
- Andy Travis: Well, I *like* the sounds you heard this morning.
- Lillian Carlson: Young man, this radio station is a business. It is not here for your personal listening pleasure.
- Andy Travis: Sunshine. Haven't I heard of you?
- Johnny Caravella: You're not a cop, are ya?
- Andy Travis: [shakes his head] Johnny Sunshine... Johnny Sunshine! I remember, yeah! It was Los Angeles in the late 60s, Johnny Sunshine Boss Jack! You were uh, you were very hot, man.
- Johnny Caravella: Yeah.
- Andy Travis: Something happened there though. Station fired you for some reason.
- Johnny Caravella: Well, I'll tell you something, baby. They all fire ya sooner or later.
- Andy Travis: Yeah, I know, but this was something that you uh, something you did.
- Johnny Caravella: Yeah, well, we all do things, right?
- Andy Travis: Uh-huh. It was something that you said.
- Johnny Caravella: Yeah. "Booger."
- Andy Travis: What?
- Johnny Caravella: I used the word "booger" on the air.
- Andy Travis: That's right!
- Johnny Caravella: Yeah. I was making about a hundred grand a year out there. Then one day I said "booger," a bunch of bozos call the station, next thing I know I'm in Amarillo hosting a garden show.
- Herb Tarlek: Andy, gosh darnit, I like it. I've seen them come and go, but you're the best.
- Les Nessman: I'm with you a hundred percent, Andy.
- Arthur Carlson: [rushing into the room] Herb! Les! Follow me! Travis, you're fired!
- Herb Tarlek: [as Herb and Les rush out of the room following Mr. Carlson] Good move, Big Guy.
- Les Nessman: [turning around to face Andy before leaving the room] I knew you wouldn't last!
- Arthur Carlson: [after Andy talks about possible changes at the station to make money] These changes... they wouldn't necessitate the playing of rock 'n' roll music, would they.
- Andy Travis: Possibly.
- Arthur Carlson: [about Mother Carlson, after Andy leaves the office] Dear God. She's gonna kill us all.
- Andy Travis: Where'd you go from there?
- Johnny Caravella: Denver. Boise. Fargo. It's all a blur to me. I tell you this, though, I never thought I'd end up at WKRP in Pittsb... Cincinnati?
- Andy Travis: Yeah, Cincinnati.
- Johnny Caravella: *This* is rock bottom!
- Johnny Caravella: You're listening to the Johnny...
- Johnny Caravella: [quickly grabbing his coffee mug to read his name printed on it] ... Caravella show on WKRP in Cincinnati. And now it's time to listen to one of my personal favorites, it's the...
- Johnny Caravella: [needs to check record jacket] ... Hallelujah Tabernacle Choir with their beautiful rendition of "You're Having My Baby".
- Choir (on record): [sung] You're having my baby.
- Bass solo (on record): [sung] Right now.
- Choir (on record): [sung] What a lovely, lovely way to say you love us...
- Jennifer Marlowe: Excuse me, Andy. I am swamped with phone calls out there about whatever Johnny is doing on the air.
- Andy Travis: Well, how many?
- Jennifer Marlowe: Three.
- Andy Travis: Well, you just do the best you can, okay?
- Jennifer Marlowe: Okay! Ah, listen, Andy, we've never had any calls before. If this pressure keeps up, I'm going to have to have more money.
- Shady Hills Commercial Voiceover: [about the retirement home] So call Shady Hills today. Remember, there might not be... a tomorrow.
- Johnny Caravella: [after the Shady Hills rest home ad finishes] And on that happy note, let's take a look at the weather. We have reports that it's coming down in buckets out there...
- [Bailey, who is sitting in the studio with him, waves her hand's like no it isn't]
- Johnny Caravella: ... in other parts of the state. However, experts are predicting that sunny skies will return by noon...
- [Bailey again waves no]
- Johnny Caravella: ... but not here. So, if you're on your way to work, you might want to take an umbrella. Or you might not.
- Johnny Caravella: [bleary-eyed, on the air, with no real interest:] Okay, that was...
- [squints]
- Johnny Caravella: Felix Mandell's orchestra with their beautiful version of the all-time favorite "How Can I Miss You If You Won't Go Away?"
- [grimaces]
- Johnny Caravella: I'm sure all you doughboys out there remember that one.
- [consults program schedule]
- Johnny Caravella: And for some reason we'll be right back with more of your favorite recorded melodies...
- [prepares to play jingle]
- Johnny Caravella: after this very important word from...
- [slams in cassette]
- Johnny Caravella: Shady Hills... Cincinnati's finest restaurant.
- Shady Hills Commercial Voiceover: [graveyard voice] Many people ask this age-old question: What happens when I can no longer feed myself?
- [Johnny apparently fell asleep]
- Bailey Quarters: [enters broadcast booth] Hi, Johnny.
- Johnny Caravella: [helpless old man's voice] Bailey, have you come to feed me?
- Bailey Quarters: No, but here are today's new commercials.
- [hands over cassettes]
- Johnny Caravella: Uh-huh.
- [takes them]
- Bailey Quarters: Do you mind if I watch you work?
- Johnny Caravella: Not at all. Listen, uh, what's the weather like out there?
- Bailey Quarters: Ah, it's raining.
- Johnny Caravella: Excuse me a minute.
- [grabs mic]
- Shady Hills Commercial Voiceover: [but before Johnny can say anything:] So call Shady Hills today. Remember *there just might not be... * a tomorrow.
- Johnny Caravella: [nods] And on that happy note, let's take a look at the weather. We have reports that it's coming down in *buckets* out there...
- [Bailey tries to silence him]
- Johnny Caravella: in other parts of the city. However, experts are predicting that sunny skies will return by noon...
- Bailey Quarters: [whispers] No...!
- Johnny Caravella: ... But not here. So, people on your way to work, you might want to take an umbrella. Or you might not.
- [grins at Bailey]
- Johnny Caravella: You're listening to the Johnny...
- [grabs mug to check]
- Johnny Caravella: Caravella Show on WKRP in Cincinnati. And now it's time to listen to one of my personal favorites, it's the...
- [hurriedly checks album cover]
- Johnny Caravella: Hallelujah Tabernacle Choir with their beautiful rendition of "You're Having My Baby"...