- Homer Simpson: [During the panic over the suspected alien-invasion] Burn everything!
- Lenny: Hey Homer, we haven't actually seen these aliens.
- Homer Simpson: That's alien talk!
- [shoots Lenny]
- Female Golem: There's a latke bar downstairs.
- Chief Wiggum: Latke? What the hell's a latke?
- Female Golem: They're pan-fried...
- Chief Wiggum: Case dismissed!
- Chief Wiggum: Guys we have to assume our guns are useless. Throw them in the lake.
- [after doing that]
- Chief Wiggum: Good, now the police car.
- [after doing that]
- Chief Wiggum: Hey, did you get my sweater from the front seat?
- Lou: Um, yeah.
- Chief Wiggum: Oh yeah? Then where is it?
- Lou: [sighs] I'll go get it, Chief.
- [Walks into the lake]
- Bart Simpson: This Krusty-brand-alarm-clock sprays acid in your face.
- [Uses it on Milhouse]
- Milhouse Van Houten: Ouww! You already showed me before!
- Phil McGraw: Homer, your family's here. And you've gotta help me help them help you help me help you.
- Bart Simpson: Dad, you're eating Dr. Phil.
- Homer Simpson: It's amazing; he tastes just like Jeffrey Tambor.
- Lisa Simpson: [the town just recovered from a "War of the Worlds" radio scare and Homer is too smart to fall for anything ever again] Dad, a flying saucer just blew up that statue.
- Homer Simpson: Lisa, it's just a radio show!
- German Guy: [after getting swallowed by Blob-Homer] What did we Germans ever do to deserve this?
- [gets an angry look from his friend]
- German Guy: Oh, right.
- Montgomery Burns: Hello, boils and ghouls. I am the Crypt Keeper. Or should I say Master of Scary-Monies?
- Homer Simpson: So, it's a war of the worlds
- [He looks out the window into the sky]
- Homer Simpson: Good thing we have the sun on our side!
- Female Golem: Eusch! What's with this outfit? It looks like a lion ate a parrot and then threw up. E-he-he-he-ha-ha.
- Mayor Quimby: We have nothing to fear but the aliens and their vastly superior killing technology!
- Orson Welles: The devastation is incredible! They're grinding up the bodies of human beings!
- Sound Technician: [Uses a wisp to grind up cornflakes]
- Orson Welles: Now they're riding horses in the rain!
- Sound Technician: [Clacks coconut halves against a wooden board while pouring water into a tray]
- Orson Welles: Now they're playing the xylophone while bowling near an airport.
- Sound Technician: [Holds up sign reading "Screw you" and leaves]
- Radio Broadcaster: Astronomers say the ominous capsules originated from Earth's closest neighbor.
- Homer Simpson: Flanders?
- Radio Broadcaster: Mars!
- Radio Broadcaster: We interrupt this dance music from Lamourian Roman Capital City's Fabulous Hotel Hitler to bring you a special bulletin.
- Homer Simpson: Hey, I'm not done dancing! This bulletin better swing!
- Abe Simpson: I never thought it would come to this when I fought in the first World War.
- Lenny: First World War? Why do you keep calling it that?
- Abe Simpson: Oh, you'll see!
- Golem: I feel so guilty! I've mangled and maimed 37 people and I told a telemarketer I was busy when I wasn't! I'm not a good man.
- Lisa Simpson: He sure is neurotic for a monster.
- Lisa Simpson: Bart did your mystical Jewish monster beat up those bullies?
- Bart Simpson: Oh, it's always the Jew's fault!
- [three years after Kodos and Kang's alien armies have conqured the Earth, Kang arrives at Springfield's devestated city hall in an armed tri-pod]
- Kodos: Colonel Kang, your report.
- Kang: Well, the Earthlings continue to resent our presence.
- [a large explosion nearby shakes the building]
- Kang: You said that we'd be greeted as liberators!
- Kodos: Don't worry. We still have the people's hearts and minds.
- [Kodos holds up a human brain and heart]
- Kent Brockman: It's blob rule in the streets of Springfield, and if that weren't bad enough, we're also being attack by a 50-foot Lenny.
- Lenny: Homer gets more attention than me.
- Carl: [unseen] I still like you.
- Lenny: Thanks, invisible Carl.
- Disco Stu: Big Band Stu says 23-skidoo.
- Marge Simpson: Homer, you won't touch my stuffed peppers, but you'll eat our son?
- Homer Simpson: Oh, nag, nag, nag.
- Bart Simpson: Finally, someone who will do everything I say.
- Milhouse Van Houten: Hey, Bart. I shaved my head just like you told me.
- Bart Simpson: Go away.
- Milhouse Van Houten: Yes, Master.
- Bart Simpson: [Golem kicks a hole in Bart's bedroom wall] Can't you read my writing? I didn't say "Kick Homer's walls".
- Homer Simpson: [Homer walks into the bedroom] Bart -
- [Golem kicks Homer in the crotch]
- Homer Simpson: Ooop!
- Bart Simpson: That's more like it.
- Phil McGraw: Homer, don't sell me an outhouse and call it the Taj Mahal.
- Chief Wiggum: Yeah Homer, stop doing that!