Family Guy (TV Series)

Peter's Two Dads (2007)

Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin, Brian Griffin, Stewie Griffin, Glenn Quagmire, Mickey McFinnegan, O'Brian, Irish Man, McMurphy Brother #1, Obi-Wan Kenobi, Ben Affleck

Photos 

Quotes 

• [Peter sits on the couch, lighting a bong] 

  Brian Griffin : Peter, what are you doing?

  Peter Griffin : Crack.

  Brian Griffin : [enraged]  What the fuck?

  Peter Griffin : Hey, at least I'm not drinking, Brian.

  Brian Griffin : Yeah, this isn't exactly a good substitute. Where'd you get crack?

  Peter Griffin : From Black's.

  Brian Griffin : What?

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, right behind Black's Hardware store. There's a white guy selling it.

  Brian Griffin : Look, doing crack is not the way to stop drinking. You need to get to the heart of why you drink in the first place. Look - here, this is the number of a hypnotherapist I want you to see.

  Peter Griffin : [begrudgingly]  Alright, Brian.

  Brian Griffin : Good.

  [as Brian walks away, Peter goes back to lighting the bong. Brian returns to the living room sometime later] 

  Brian Griffin : Hey Peter, just thought I'd check on you...

  [a stoned, shirtless Peter is intensely clutching a couch cushion] 

  Brian Griffin : Oh my god!

  Peter Griffin : Gov'ment came and took ma baby!

• Lois Griffin : So, Meg, your birthday's coming up, huh? You excited about turningggggg... eh?

  Peter Griffin : Uh, Meg, uh, I got sixteen candles for your birthday cake. How does that sound?

  Meg Griffin : That's not right.

  Peter Griffin : So, less... more... too many... uh, not enough...?

  Meg Griffin : You stupid son of a bitch! You don't even know how old I am!

  Lois Griffin : Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age... or is it?

  Meg Griffin : I'm gonna be seventeen, you jerks!

  [leaves] 

  Peter Griffin : She's the jerk.

• Meg Griffin : I can't believe Grandpa's dead.

  Lois Griffin : Well, he did kinda treat us like crap, but yes, it is a tragedy.

  Brian Griffin : It is a tragedy.

  Lois Griffin : Excuse us.

  Brian Griffin : Yeah, we'll be right back.

  [Lois and Brian go out on the lawn where they jump for joy. They high-five each other, then Brian grabs Lois' breasts and wags his tail. Lois smacks him into the garbage cans, then they go back inside] 

  Lois Griffin : We're all gonna miss him.

  Brian Griffin : Tragic.

• Peter Griffin : All I know is, that somewhere in great land of Ireland, there is a fat bastard just like me.

• Brian Griffin : Boy, it's amazing, isn't it? You get two fathers, and neither one of them wants anything to do with you.

  Peter Griffin : [about Mickey]  There's got to be some way I can make him see that I am worthy of being his son. But the only way I could ever impress him is if I was a fat, stinking drunk.

  Francis Griffin : Peter! You are a fat stinking drunk!

  Peter Griffin : [looks up]  What?

  Francis Griffin : [standing as a ghost from Star Wars along with Yoda and Obi-Wan Kenobi]  You're a fat, stinking drunk!

  Obiwan Kenobi : Yes, from what he's told us, that's right on the money.

  Yoda : Challenge him you must.

  Anikin Skywalker : [walks over as a ghost]  And I'm Hayden Christensen.

• Asian Santa Claus : [talking fast]  What do you want? What do you want for Christmas?

  Stewie Griffin : Um. I was thinking maybe one of those old timey...

  Asian Santa Claus : Too late! Take too long! Sad Christmas!

  [throws Stewie off his lap] 

  Asian Santa Claus : What do you want?

  Asian Kid : Fire Truck!

  Asian Santa Claus : What color?

  Asian Kid : Red!

  Asian Santa Claus : Next!

  [throws Asian kid off his lap, Asian kid goes aghh for a second while being thrown] 

• Peter Griffin : Dad, I'm so sorry I broke all your ribs and busted your spleen and punctured your lung. I-I don't know if you can hear me right now, but... I hope you know... I love you, Dad.

  Francis Griffin : Peter... come closer. There's something... I need to say to you.

  Peter Griffin : I'm here, Dad. What is it?

  Francis Griffin : Peter... you're a fat, stinking drunk!

  [dies] 

  Peter Griffin : Oh, my God, he's dead! He can't be dead! There's gotta be something I can do. Maybe I'll bury him in the Pet Cemetery.

  [cutaway to Peter burying Francis in the Pet Cemetery. As he finishes, Francis jumps out of the ground screaming] 

  Peter Griffin : [screams and wacks Francis with the shovel until he stops]  Okay, I'll bury him in a regular cemetery.

• Stewie Griffin : [pulls up in front of the hospital]  Push the bitch out!

• Stewie Griffin : Come on, discipline me! Make me wear panties, rub dirt in my eye, violate me with a wine bottle- my God, I really do have problems, don't I?

• Mickey : As we say in Ireland: "Let's drink until the alcohol in our system destroys our livers and kills us."

  O'Brian : I got 20 on the fat one.

  Brian Griffin , O'Brian : Which one's the fat one?

• Peter : Oh, he doesn't smell like Irish Spring and he never taught me anything, but still I slap my chest and sing of My Drunken Irish Dad. Oh, his face looks like a railroad map and he never shuts his freakin' trap...

  Mickey : But all the ladies catch the clap from your Drunken Irish Dad.

  Peter : Ask a Hennessey, Tennessey, Morrison, Shaughnessy, Reidon and Rooney, they'll tell you the same. McNulty, Mulrooney, and Carter and Clooney all feel the same mixture of pride and of shame.

  Mickey : Finnegan, Hannigan, Kelly and Flanagan look to the ground when their dad passes by. Cafferty, Rafferty Joyce and O'Lafferty fight for his honor and then start to cry!

  Peter , Mickey : Oh, we Irish lads are all infirm and our moods infect us like a germ, 'cause we're all the spawn of a pickled sperm!

  Mickey : And we don't tan well either.

  All : ...from a Drunken Irish Dad!

• Peter Griffin : But there is one thing, Mickey. You knocked up my Mom and never called her again.

  Mickey : Yeah, so what?

  Peter Griffin : So what? So let's dance!

• Glenn Quagmire : [talking up three of Meg's friends]  So the man asks the bartender to recommend a good drink, and the bartender says, "A Grasshopper." So the guy orders a Grasshopper. Then he's walking home and along the way, he notices a grasshopper on the ground. So he says to the grasshopper, "Hey, you know there's a drink named after you?". And the grasshopper says, "You mean there's a drink named Irving?"

  [they share a laugh] 

  Glenn Quagmire : So, which one of you wants to lose your virginity?

• Meg Griffin : Mom, this party sucks! I mean, balloons? Pin the Tail on the Donkey? I'm not five years old.

  Lois Griffin : Meg, your father worked very hard to put this party together. And he says he's got a big surprise for you.

  Peter Griffin : [entering in clown makeup]  Hey, kids, I'm Peepants, the inebriated hobo clown. I'm an adorable tramp who wears found clothing and eats out of your garbage can.

  Meg Griffin : [indignantly]  A clown? Dad, I'm 17!

  Peter Griffin : Meg, guess what Peepants got you for your birthday. A scarf.

  Meg Griffin : I don't want a scarf, dad.

  Peter Griffin : Well, then, how about... a dozen scarves?

  [humming circus music, he pulls tied scarves out of his mouth, then begins gagging and coughing] 

  Lois Griffin : Peter, I don't think you're actually supposed to swallow those.

  Peter Griffin : [finishing and coughing up vomit]  Here you go, Meg.

  Meg Griffin : I don't want them!

  Peter Griffin : TAKE 'EM! Hey, are my longjohns tied to the end of those?

  Meg Griffin : No.

  Peter Griffin : Oh, god.

  [retching up his longjohns and holding his stomach in pain] 

  Peter Griffin : Ow! Ow! Ow!

• Stewie Griffin : There she is, Rupert. Oh, if I can just get her to hit me one more time, it'll give me the rush I've been looking for!

  [cutaway to him shackled to a torture rack being operated by Lois in a dominatrix outfit] 

  Stewie Griffin : [moaning]  Oh, what's next? What's next? What's next? Oh, god, I've been so bloody naughty. Oh, I need to be taught a lesson and you're the one to do it.

  [she puts her cigarette out on his stomach] 

  Stewie Griffin : Oh! Thank you! Thank you!

  [back in the present] 

  Stewie Griffin : Yeah, all that stuff. Let's make that happen.

• Peter Griffin : Uh, excuse me, sir? My name is Peter.

  Mickey : Pleased to meet you, lad. Name's Mickey.

  Peter Griffin : Listen, uh... this may be hard for you to believe, but... you're my father.

  Mickey : Oh, am I, now?

  Peter Griffin : Yeah, I came all the way from America to find you.

  Mickey : Why, I suppose it's money you're wantin'. I owe you some allowance and so forth.

  [laughing with the other bar patrons] 

  Peter Griffin : Oh, no, I don't want money. I just want to get to know you and be friends, so I can finally have a real dad who loves and respects me.

  Mickey : You can't be me son. You and me are nothing alike. Just ask me sheep, O'Brian.

  O'Brian : [resembling Brian, with an Irish brogue]  Whose leg do you have to hump to get a pint of Guinness around here?

• Peter Griffin : All right, this is gonna blow you aw...

  [falling down the stairs, he lands on top of Francis] 

  Chris Griffin : Grandpa!

  Meg Griffin : Oh, my god! Is he breathing?

  Lois Griffin : Somebody call an ambulance!

  Peter Griffin : Uh, Lois, maybe you better call two ambulances.

  [he turns around, revealing his unicycle wedged up his butt] 

• ["translated" from drunken slurred gibberish] 

  Peter Griffin : Why can't you just accept that you're my father?

  Mickey : Why can't you be good-looking like most Americans?

  Peter Griffin : Actually, I'm quite typical. Most Americans look nothing like the way they're portrayed in the media. In fact, obesity is one of our country's primary public health concerns, chiefly due to our high-fat diet combined with an increasingly sedentary lifestyle.

  Mickey : ?

• Peter Griffin : [arriving in Ireland]  This is quite a country, Brian. You know, Ireland has more drunks per capita than people.

  Brian Griffin : Oh, that's a negative stereotype. I don't think the Irish drink as much as people say they do.

  [as their plane touches down, it rumbles through beer bottles littering the runway] 

• Stewie Griffin : This is mine, and this is mine, and that's mine, and this is mine. Oh, what's this? "Hot Monogamy, the board game for failing marriages."

  [opening the box and taking a card out] 

  Stewie Griffin : "Dare card: have her do a striptease and see how long it takes you to get a 'bonner'." What's a "bonner"?

  Lois Griffin : Stewie, what are you doing with my jewelry box? You give that back to Mommy.

  Stewie Griffin : No! Go to hell!

  Lois Griffin : Stewie, I have had just about enough of this new selfish attitude of yours. Now, give that back to Mommy!

  Stewie Griffin : Very well, then. If I can't have it, nobody can!

  [he takes off a pearl necklace and snaps it] 

  Lois Griffin : [spanking him]  That is enough!

  Stewie Griffin : [cowering]  You... you struck me!

  Lois Griffin : Oh, my god. Stewie, honey, I am so sorry. Are you okay, sweetie?

  [he starts wailing] 

  Lois Griffin : Oh, honey, I'm sorry. Mommy would never hurt you. Let me give you a hug.

  Stewie Griffin : [running out in fear]  No!

  [running to his room and locking the door] 

  Stewie Griffin : [cowering on the floor]  I haven't been this scared since Mother Teresa ODed in my car.

• Stewie Griffin : Look! I've drawn heavyweight pugilist David Tua on the wall. Punish me!

  Lois Griffin : Oh, Stewie, you've really gotta stop... huh, looks like David Tua. You've really gotta stop misbehaving. You're getting on Mommy's nerves.

  Stewie Griffin : Well, you know what'll ease your stress? Slap me across the face like a bitch!

• Meg Griffin : Mom, can I just open my presents now?

  Lois Griffin : All right, Meg.

  Meg Griffin : Thank you.

  [hearing paper ripping] 

  Meg Griffin : What the...?

  Stewie Griffin : [opening her presents]  Well, let's see what else we've got here. The first season of "Sister, Sister" on DVD?

  Cleveland Brown : You're welcome!

  Lois Griffin : Stewie, what are you doing? You-You can't open Meg's gifts!

  Stewie Griffin : Hey! These are mine, you hear me? Mine!

  Lois Griffin : Oh, god, not the "mine" phase. Oh, I've been dreading this day.

  Stewie Griffin : I'm entitled to these things, Lois. Especially after I got shafted by that Asian Santa at the mall.

• Francis Griffin : Peter, have you been drinking?

  Peter Griffin : Well, a little. It is a party.

  Francis Griffin : Take off that stupid costume! You look like a damn fool.

  Peter Griffin : Ah, dad, you won't say that when you see my grand unicycle finale. Everyone, I'll be right back. In the meantime, I leave you with the musical stylings of Chris Griffin.

• Stewie Griffin : Here you are, Brian.

  Brian Griffin : What's this?

  Stewie Griffin : It's an invitation to Meg's party. I'm the party planner. You have to RSVP. You can do it right now, if you want.

  Brian Griffin : All right, fine. I'll come to Meg's party.

  Stewie Griffin : No, you have to call the RSVP line.

  [he sets two cups tied together with string on the table] 

  Brian Griffin : You gotta be kidding me.

  Stewie Griffin : I'm waiting.

  Brian Griffin : [picking one cup up, unenthused]  Ring, ring. Aren't you gonna pick it up?

  Stewie Griffin : No, I'm not gonna pick it up on the first few rings. I'm busy. Maybe I'm in the other room.

  Brian Griffin : Ring, ring. Ring, ring. Ring, ring. Ring... oh, come on!

  Stewie Griffin : [picking up, in a high-pitched voice]  Hello?

  Brian Griffin : Stewie?

  Stewie Griffin : No, this is Stewie's housekeeper, Mrs. Pennyapple. I'll see if he's in. Stewie! Stewie!

  [normally] 

  Stewie Griffin : Yes, Mrs. Pennyapple? "You've got a telephone call." Who is it? "He didn't say." Well, find out, would you? "Who is this?"

  Brian Griffin : It's Brian.

  Stewie Griffin : It's Brian! "Oh, Brian. Probably RSVPing about Meg's party. Hello, Brian."

  Brian Griffin : Hi, Stewie.

  Stewie Griffin : What can I do for you?

  Brian Griffin : I'm coming to Meg's party.

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, splendid. Just give your information to Mrs. Pennyapple. "Hello, it's Mrs. Pennyapple again. Shall I put you down for two, Brendan?"

  Brian Griffin : Brian.

  Stewie Griffin : Ryan?

  Brian Griffin : Brian.

  Stewie Griffin : Mitchell?

  Brian Griffin : What?

  Stewie Griffin : Goodbye!

• Mickey : My god, nobody's ever beat me at the game of drink.

  Peter Griffin : Now do you believe that you're my dad?

  Mickey : Nobody but a McFinnigan could handle that much of the creature. You're the broth of me own stubby shillelagh, all right. Welcome to me family, Peter.

  Peter Griffin : You hear that, Brian? I'm a McFinnigan now! I can forget all about Francis.

  Brian Griffin : You know, there's something you should always remember, Peter. Francis may not have been your father, but he raised you as if you were his own. And if that isn't love, I don't know what is.

• Lois Griffin : [after Stewie realizes he gets off on her punishing him]  Oh, hi, sweetie. You want some juice?

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, that'll be lovely.

  [he deliberately knocks the glass off his high-chair] 

  Lois Griffin : Oh, Stewie!

  Stewie Griffin : [eagerly]  Yeah?

  Lois Griffin : Look at the mess you made.

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, I've made a terrible mess, haven't I? Yes, I've made you take time out of your day to clean up my mess and I should be punished for it.

  [dropping his pants in anticipation of another spanking] 

  Stewie Griffin : Go!

  Lois Griffin : Well, I guess it's not that big a deal. Accidents happen.

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, I don't know. Don't you think you should spank me or slice my nostril?

• Peter Griffin : Mickey McFinnigan, I challenge you to a drinking contest.

  Mickey : Ha! What makes you think you can hold your own with the likes of me?

  Peter Griffin : Because I'm your son! And I'm tough. I made it halfway through "Failure to Launch".

  [cutaway to a movie theater] 

  Matthew McConaughey : I just never managed to get my life together. Isn't that hilarious?

  Sarah Jessica Parker : [laughing]  You're cute.

  Peter Griffin : [leaving]  Done!

• Stewie Griffin : [after Lois spanks him for misbehaving]  It was horrible, Rupert. It was like a nightmare. Lois came at me like a wild animal. I had no way to defend myself.

  [dissolve to his perception of the event, in which an exaggeratedly large Hulk-like Lois towers over him] 

  Stewie Griffin : Mother, I'm sorry I went against your wishes.

  [cowering as she growls in anger] 

  Stewie Griffin : [getting beaten up]  Ow! Ow! Ow! I'm sorry I misbehaved, Mother! Sorry I misbehaved! It'll never happen again! I love you, mommy dearest!

  [back in reality] 

  Stewie Griffin : Oh, it was awful, Rupert. I felt terrified and brutalized and humiliated and... and... and *alive*! My god, I... I haven't felt that alive in years. Rupert, you know, I think perhaps I may be one of those people who... gets a jolly out of being hit.

  Lois Griffin : Oh, Stewie, there you are. Mommy is so sorry she hit you. I promise I will never lay a hand on you again.

  Stewie Griffin : Well, let's not make any rash decisions. I mean, I did provoke you. Come on, Lois, hit me! Beat the crap out of me!

  [lying down and spreading his legs] 

  Stewie Griffin : Step on my cubes.