- Shawn Spencer: Judge, I argue that this tape should not be admissible.
- Judge Horace Leland: On what grounds?
- Shawn Spencer: Well, we're citing...unfair surprisery.
- Judge Horace Leland: [motions to Shawn] The point is, do you know this man?
- Carlton Lassiter: I do.
- Judge Horace Leland: And has he worked on cases for the department?
- Carlton Lassiter: He has.
- Shawn Spencer: There you have it.
- Adam Hornstock: There you have it.
- Judge Horace Leland: And was he helpful?
- [pause]
- Carlton Lassiter: Absolutely.
- Shawn Spencer: [whispering, to the stenographer] Did he just say "absolutely" with a little half-smile? I'd like that printed out, please, I'm thinking of shellacking it on a nice piece of maple. Maybe a little decoupage.
- Judge Horace Leland: [after Gus has just impressed everyone in the courtroom with his legal skills] Where did you go to law school?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Just sixth grade law, Your Honor. But it was an accelerated program.
- [at the law offices of Hornstock, Hornstock, Biederman, and Hornstock]
- Shawn Spencer: Hornstock, I think you have the potential to be a fantastic lawyer. You just need confidence. After all, that is your name on the door. Now, come on!
- Adam Hornstock: Oh no, no, no. None of those Hornstocks are me. The first one is my grandfather, he founded the firm. The next one's my father, then my brother.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Wow... a whole family of lawyers.
- Adam Hornstock: Yeah, even my sister.
- Shawn Spencer: Well, there you go. She didn't make the door.
- Adam Hornstock: She's Biederman. It's her married name.
- Adam Hornstock: My firm doesn't really believe in...
- Shawn Spencer: Winning?
- Adam Hornstock: No.
- Shawn Spencer: Mermaids?
- Adam Hornstock: No.
- Shawn Spencer: The Minotaur?
- Adam Hornstock: Me.
- Adam Hornstock: Now can we please go before Jurekie gets back?
- [Shawn sees Jurekie's wedding ring in a saucer]
- Shawn Spencer: Carter Jurekie just left for a nooner with his mistress. We have at least two hours.
- [Shawn sees a picture of Jurekie]
- Shawn Spencer: Maybe an hour and a half.
- Shawn Spencer: Dad, they took my bike!
- Henry Spencer: Tell it to the embassy.
- Shawn Spencer: And I... I might not be able to get it out of the impound.
- Henry Spencer: No? Then maybe it's time for you to consider a real mode of transportation, huh?
- [beat]
- Shawn Spencer: You will do anything you can to impose your will on me. You hated that bike. You have always hated that bike. And you've been especially hard-assed about it since I...
- Henry Spencer: Since what, Shawn? Since you what? Since you had your accident, is that it? Is that where your old man crossed the line? Fine, I'll tell you what: I will back off. I'm gonna lay off, man. I'll tell you what you do: You take me off your call list when the ambulance picks you up and brings you in that door. All right? Fair.
- [Henry turns away]
- Henry Spencer: Get over yourself, kid. Or at least learn how to park.
- Shawn Spencer: You mean to tell me our whole lives you've never been to a single auction?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Nope.
- Shawn Spencer: Dude, watch this. It's very fun.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: How is it fun? You're bidding against the public for your own motorcycle. What happens if somebody outbids you?
- Shawn Spencer: I've been practicing my paddle raise. It's very subtle.
- Adam Hornstock: Have you ever considered going by the name of Bolt Lightning?
- Reuben Leonard: No.
- Adam Hornstock: Cloudy McMillan?
- Reuben Leonard: No.
- Adam Hornstock: Wendy Morningdew?
- Reuben Leonard: That's a woman's name.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Don't you watch the news?
- Shawn Spencer: I can't watch Channel 8 anymore. Lloyd Lansing wears a toupee. It's like every newscast begins with a lie.
- Judge Horace Leland: Would you stand and state your name for the court?
- Carlton Lassiter: Carlton Lassiter, Santa Barbara Police Department, Your Honor. Head detective, eleven years... this May.
- Judge Horace Leland: [sarcastic] Perhaps you'd like to inform the court of your favorite color, as well.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: The key piece of evidence was half-melted candlesticks. We need evidence. Where are our candlesticks, Shawn?
- Shawn Spencer: Maybe you just jumped over them.
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: What?
- Shawn Spencer: Be nimble? Be quick? You're not going to give me anything for that?
- Shawn Spencer: [to Lassiter] Please tell me you're not one of those courtroom groupies that bounces from trial to trial. Wait a second...was that you at the Michael Jackson hearing with the sequined glove and the shirt that said "Please Free the Man in the Mirror"?
- Shawn Spencer: The question is, why would Lassiter send a letter to the D.A.'s office?
- Burton 'Gus' Guster: Don't you ever watch "Law and Order"? They tend to work together sometimes.