- Barney Stinson: One time I met a girl... at this very bar...
- [flashback]
- Barney Stinson: I saw that she had the crazy eyes... but I ignored it. And then, sure enough...
- [further flashback]
- Lauren: Barney, can I ask you a question?
- Barney Stinson: Anything.
- Lauren: Would you like to have a three-some?
- Barney Stinson: Of course...
- Lauren: Great! It would be me, you and Mr Weasels!
- [back... to reality]
- Ted Mosby: So, did you do it ?
- Barney Stinson: No. It ended up being just the two-some. With the third one watching from a chair.
- Ted Mosby: Which one were you ?
- Barney Stinson: [looking askance] I'd rather not say.
- Ted Mosby: Hey dude, by the way, I really like that suit. Tell me about the fabric; is it foreign or something?
- Barney Stinson: Wow... it is foreign. I'm impressed, Ted! It's Moroccan, actually.
- Ted Mosby: Whoa...
- Carl: [Carl interrupts from the bar] I've got a phone call for Swarley. Is there a Swarley here?
- Barney Stinson: [to Ted] You weren't interested in my suit at all, were you?
- Carl: Hey, there's a call for Swarls Barkley. Swarls Barkley?
- Robin Scherbatsky: [Taking the phone] Hey, Ted. No he's not here. Nice one though. Remember that one
- Robin Scherbatsky: What's up, Swarles?
- Barney Stinson: No, okay? No! No more! I will not let this become a thing! It's OVER! No more "Swarley!" No "Swarles!" No more "Swar-LAY!" No more "Swar - wait for it - LEE!" No more "Bob Swarleyman!" No more! No! It's over! Do you understand?
- Lily Aldrin, Robin Scherbatsky: Yes.
- Barney Stinson: Thank you.
- [walks away, unaware of a "CALL ME SWARLEY" sign on his back]
- Ted Mosby: [about Chloe] So, she's needy crazy. That's one of the worst kinds.
- Barney Stinson: I've had one of those. Makes up stories to get attention. Went out with her for three weeks, her dad died twice.
- Marshall Eriksen: Guys, she was really freaked out, okay? Maybe the story is true.
- Barney Stinson: What in the world would make you believe that's a true story?
- Marshall Eriksen: She's really hot.
- Narrator: Now, kids, I know Lily hiding in the apartment while Marshall was on a date with another girl seems pretty crazy, but when you hear her side of the story, well, it's still pretty crazy.
- Ted Mosby: So I guess that decides it.
- Marshall Eriksen: Yep.
- Barney Stinson: Hanging out at a coffee place: not nearly as much fun as hanging out at a bar.
- Ted Mosby: [Looks at Marshall's cup] Hey, what's that?
- Marshall Eriksen: What?
- Ted Mosby: That cute coffee girl wrote a heart by your name!
- [in a sing-song voice]
- Ted Mosby: Somebody has a crush on you!
- Barney Stinson: [In a sing-song voice as well] Somebody thinks you're me!
- Marshall Eriksen: Well, what if the heart doesn't mean anything? What if she writes them on all the cups?
- Ted Mosby: Mine says "Ted", no heart.
- Barney Stinson: Mine says... "Swarley"... How'd they get "Swarley" from "Barney"? It's not even a name. Who would ever be called "Swarley"?...
- [sees Marshall and Ted smile]
- Barney Stinson: Oh, please don't start calling me "Swarley"... This would never happen at a bar!
- [leaves the coffee shop angerly]
- Ted Mosby: Man! What's up with Swarley?
- Marshall Eriksen: I know. You almost never see old Swarlz get that upset.
- Barney Stinson: [about the girl Marshall's going on a date with] She's got the... 'Crazy Eyes'.
- Ted Mosby: Dude... the eyes... they're CRAZY.
- Marshall Eriksen: What are you guys talking about; the 'Crazy Eyes'?
- Barney Stinson: It's a well-documented condition of the pupils, or pupi.
- Ted Mosby: Nope, just pupils.
- Barney Stinson: It's an indicator of future mental instability
- Marshall Eriksen: She does not have the crazy eyes.
- Ted Mosby: You just can't see it because you're afflicted with "haven't been laid in a while" blindness.
- Ted Mosby: [Commenting on Marshall's Pumpkin Latte joke] Alright, there's only two reasons she'd laugh at that: one, it's the first joke she's ever heard, or two, she likes you! You should totally ask her out!
- Marshall Eriksen: [Unsure] You think?
- Ted Mosby: Yeah! That's why you're not back with Lily, right? So you can experience what it's like to be single.
- Ted Mosby: [Robin's apartment, Robin is on the phone] Hey, guess what? Oh, sorry.
- Robin Scherbatsky: It's only my mom. She's just rambling on like always. What happened?
- Ted Mosby: Marshall asked out a girl.
- Robin Scherbatsky: Wow.
- [On the phone]
- Robin Scherbatsky: Well, if anything, that's Dad's fault. That'll keep her going a while.
- Wendy: You all done with that, Ted?
- Ted Mosby: Yeah.
- Barney Stinson: Ned. I told you to call him Ned.
- Ted Mosby: [At Barney] That is just... sad.
- Wendy: Sorry, Swarley.
- Ted Mosby: Okay, I ran it by the group, and we decided we're gonna give you a choice. We will agree to stop calling you Swarley, but instead, we'll call you Jennifer. Well?
- Barney Stinson: I'm thinking.