South Park (TV Series)

Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy (2006)

Trey Parker: Stan Marsh, Eric Cartman, Dewly, Mr. Mackey, Kid in Hall, Sgt. Yates, Officer Harris, Officer #4, Randy Marsh, News Reporter, Man in Crowd #1, Therapist, Leeroy, Bellboy, Man in Hotel #1, Policeman #2, Earl, Policeman #3, Policeman #4

Quotes 

• [Cartman is walking down the hall as hall monitor, and a kid passes behind him. He immediately turns around and points at him] 

  Eric Cartman : HALL PASS!

  Various : Whaa?

  Eric Cartman : [Holding him up to a locker and holding up a can of bear mace]  YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS? THIS IS BEAR MACE, FAGGOT! NOW GIMMIE YOUR HALL PASS, NOW!

  Various : It's right here!

  [shows him hall pass] 

  Eric Cartman : Okay you're cool, man, go with Christ.

  Various : What? You can't just come up to me and...

  Eric Cartman : [kicks him sharply aside] 

• Cartman : This is the kind of mace they use on bears faggot!

• Eric Cartman : Hey man, I had to rat you out but I want you to know that I've got nothing against you. Cigarette?

  Butters : Uhh... Sure.

  Eric Cartman : You know you've gotta go with Christ, dude.

  Butters : Well I do...

  Eric Cartman : You could go one way, and wander around the halls without a pass, or you could see the light, man!

• [at South Park Elementary, Kyle approaches Stan and Kenny to talk with them about Ike's affair] 

  Kyle : Guys, can I talk to you?

  Stan : Sure, dude.

  Kyle : I need you to keep quiet about this, all right?

  [Cartman walks up to the kids as Hallway Monitor "The Dawg"] 

  Kyle : [continues]  My little brother and his tea...

  Cartman : Brahs, it's almost class time. I need you to start clearin' the hallways, alright?

  Kyle : Not now, Cartman! I have really serious problems!

  Stan : Dude, what's the matter?

  Kyle : The kindergarten teacher is having sex with my little brother.

  Stan : ...Wow.

  Kenny : [muffled]  Really?

  Cartman : Damn, brah, your little brother's pretty cool.

  Kyle : It's *not* cool! Ike isn't old enough to understand.

  Cartman : What's to understand? You get a boner, slap her titties around some and then stick it inside her and pee.

  Kyle : [looks long and hard]  Stick it inside her and pee?

  Cartman : Well, okay, fine. Unless you don't want to get her pregnant, then you pull it out and pee on her leg.

• Principal Victoria : Miss Stevenson, you're having a relationship with this student?

  Cartman : Yes, during class time, without a hall pass.

  Principal Victoria : This is unbelievable.

  Cartman : I know. It's like a hall pass doesn't even matter to her.

  Principal Victoria : Miss Stevenson, I will need to inform the police.

  Miss Stevenson : Oh god.

  Cartman : You just dealt with the dawg bitch!

• Cartman : [singing]  There's fear and darkness all around you/The criminals are on the run/No use in not having your hall pass/I'll take you to the principal cause I'm the dawg! I am the dawg, the big bad dawg, the hallway monitor!

  [laughs] 

  Car dealer guy : [knocks on window]  Hey kid, get out of there.

  Cartman : That's cool. I'm done making my video anyways.

  [gets out] 

• Cartman : I don't believe it. She's using the Mel Gibson defense!

  Miss Stevenson : I am a perfectly good person, but when I drink, the alcohol makes me say and do things I wouldn't normally do.

  Police Sergeant : Well, that explains it.

  Policeman #1 : Do we still press charges?

  Police Sergeant : Who are we gonna convict? Johnny Walker?

• Eric Cartman : Hall pass! Show me your hall pass!

  [shoves student against locker] 

  Eric Cartman : Do you know what this is? this is the mace that they use on bears, faggot!

• Eric Cartman : [after seeing Ike and Miss Stevenson kissing]  HALL INFRACTION!

  Miss Stevenson : [nervously]  Oh, we were just heading back in.

  Eric Cartman : You got a hall pass, brah?

  Miss Stevenson : I don't need a hall pass, I'm a teacher.

  Eric Cartman : Yeah? Well, where's HIS hall pass?

  Miss Stevenson : Look, just let us get back in.

  Eric Cartman : Get down on the floor!

  Miss Stevenson : We're going back inside!

  Eric Cartman : You like bear mace, ice head?

  Miss Stevenson : Bear mace?

  Eric Cartman : You're going with Christ!

  [sprays Miss Stevenson with bear mace] 

  Miss Stevenson : Aaaaahhh!

• Therapist : Was there ever a history of sexual abuse in your family?

  Miss Stevenson : No, but my uncle used to ask me and my twin sister to kiss and he'd take pictures.

  Therapist : Nice...