Les Lye: Lance Prevort, Barth Baggs, Ross Ewich, Mr. Schidtler, Doctor, Announcer, Star Trek Captain, Cowboy

Quotes 

• Announcer : You Can't Do That On Television can not be shown at this time because we have to present, in its place, a program about television.

• Ross Ewich : Okay. Strike the baby, uhhh, kick the puppy and, uh, crush the blacks.

  Christine : Ross!

  Ross Ewich : What?

  Christine : I knew you were prejudiced but isn't that taking it just a little too far?

  Ross Ewich : Prejudiced? Whadda ya mean "prejudiced?"

  Christine : "Crush the blacks?"

  Ross Ewich : Oh, oh...

  Christine : "Strike the baby?"

  Ross Ewich : Uh, no-no-no. Those are just technical terms, Moose. Those, uh, like... a lamp. I-i-it's "the baby," a small lamp, so when we say "kill the baby" we mean turn the lamp on.

  Christine : Technical terms?

  Ross Ewich : Yeah. Like, uh, "Soak the star."

  Christine : Hmm. SOAK the star?

  [Water drenches Christine] 

  Ross Ewich : Well, you said it.

  Christine : Yeah! You know, with technical terms like that, it's no wonder there's so much violence on television.

• Kevin Kubusheskie : Doug, did you know that old Barf has a contract with the producer of TV commercials?

  Doug Ptolemy : Why would anyone give Barfy a contract?

  Kevin Kubusheskie : Well, that's easy. See, when the producers want to make a commercial about stomach pains, old Barf provides the burgers to give all the actors indigestion.

  Barth Baggs : Dyah, I heard that!

• Valerie Prevort : [finding her kids watching television together, Kevin in the armchair and Vanessa in her wheelchair]  Oh, Kevin, there you are, at it again. You know, sometimes I think you think more of that television set than you do of your poor, crippled, little sister.

  Kevin Kubusheskie : Don't be ridiculous, Mom. Of course I think of Vanessa.

  Lance Prevort : [off-stage]  FIRE! FIRE!

  [Kevin springs into action, moving Vanessa immediately over to the armchair, putting the TV set on the wheelchair, then quickly wheeling the TV set out of the house, leaving Vanessa behind] 

• [Mr. Schidtler turns his classroom into a game show] 

  Mr. Schidtler : Welcome to MONEY FOR MARKS! Hey, this is the game we all play and we all win. Everyone goes home HAPPY! Here's how the game works: You come up with the correct cash and you could walk outta here with a GREAT REPORT CARD! Let's not delay. Let's get right to the old report card bin and select today's contestant. Oh, this is a dandy. Listen to this: D in math; we have two F's in geography and history and lots of unimpressive C's. It's no TV and you're grounded for this term if Mom and Dad see this one. Sound familiar? Uh-huh? Because it's yours - Christine McGlade! Christine McGlade, come onnnnnnnn up!

  [Christine screams wildly, jumped up and down in hysterics and runs to the front of the class, kissing Mr. Schidtler in her excitement] 

  Mr. Schidtler : Oh. Oh. All right. I mean, now-now-now-now. This just could be your lucky day if you can correctly estimate what I'm demanding as a bribe for this next report card package without going under it.

  Announcer : [a voiceover from nowhere]  Yes, Christine, you can forget those angry looks from Dad when you show him a crisp, new B in biology. And don't forget Mom. She'll be pleased when she sees an A in math. Wait! Wait! That's not all! You're NOT grounded, the TV is back on, but what about a raise in your allowance? It could happen when you show them two A's in geography and history!

  [Christine screams, overcome with emotion] 

• Cowboy : [on TV]  All right, pilgrim! Give me yer dough! Lots of it!

  Vanessa : Mom, the pay channel wants money again!

• Mr. Schidtler : All right, class. Now your homework assignment for tonight: I want you to watch Magnum P.I., Dallas, Hill Street Blues, and Fame. Okay, that's it. Class dismissed.

  Kevin Kubusheskie : What a lousy creep, givin' us an assignment like that. It's not fair.

  Lisa Ruddy : I thought that was a pretty good homework assignment.

  Kevin Kubusheskie : No, it wasn't. It was a LOUSY homework assignment.

  Lisa Ruddy : What? Watching television?

  Kevin Kubusheskie : Exactly. You know I never do any of my homework. Now I'll have to miss my favorite TV shows.

• Announcer : You Can't Do That On Television can now be seen in prime slime viewing hours.