- Christine: I know you're... you're kinda new at this, so if you have any questions about anything at all, just ask me.
- Vanessa: Well, there is one thing I'd like to ask you.
- Christine: Sure.
- Vanessa: How do they make that slime they're always dumping on you?
- Christine: Oh, well, first they take some wa... some liquid, and then they add some Jell-O powder, and some flour, sometimes some soap, and they dump it all over me.
- Vanessa: [Looks around] Where do they dump it from?
- Christine: Actually, Vanessa, I've always wondered that, too. I just don't know.
- [Christine gets green slime dumped on her]
- Vanessa: Very interesting. Is it always green?
- Christine: Well, yeah, it usually is, but I guess it could be red.
- [Christine gets red slime dumped on her]
- Christine: Or... maybe blue.
- [Christine gets blue slime dumped on her; Vanessa gets a lot of the oversplash]
- Christine: [defiantly] Or yellow.
- [Christine gets yellow slime dumped on her]
- Christine: Yeah. Okay, you think you're so smart, let's see stripes!
- [Christine gets green, red, blue and yellow slime dumped on her at the same time]
- Vanessa: Boy, must be tough being a TV star. By the way, how do you get this stuff out.
- Christine: Well, it usually washes out with water.
- [Christine and Vanessa get water dumped on them]
- Christine: Usually.
- Announcer: You Can't Do That On Television can not be shown at this time because we have to present, in its place, a program about television.
- Ross Ewich: Okay. Strike the baby, uhhh, kick the puppy and, uh, crush the blacks.
- Christine: Ross!
- Ross Ewich: What?
- Christine: I knew you were prejudiced but isn't that taking it just a little too far?
- Ross Ewich: Prejudiced? Whadda ya mean "prejudiced?"
- Christine: "Crush the blacks?"
- Ross Ewich: Oh, oh...
- Christine: "Strike the baby?"
- Ross Ewich: Uh, no-no-no. Those are just technical terms, Moose. Those, uh, like... a lamp. I-i-it's "the baby," a small lamp, so when we say "kill the baby" we mean turn the lamp on.
- Christine: Technical terms?
- Ross Ewich: Yeah. Like, uh, "Soak the star."
- Christine: Hmm. SOAK the star?
- [Water drenches Christine]
- Ross Ewich: Well, you said it.
- Christine: Yeah! You know, with technical terms like that, it's no wonder there's so much violence on television.
- Christine: [following a Star Trek skit] Hi, and welcome to another episode of You Can't Do That On Television, the show that dares to go where no man has gone before. Probably where no man would WANT to go.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Doug, did you know that old Barf has a contract with the producer of TV commercials?
- Doug Ptolemy: Why would anyone give Barfy a contract?
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Well, that's easy. See, when the producers want to make a commercial about stomach pains, old Barf provides the burgers to give all the actors indigestion.
- Barth Baggs: Dyah, I heard that!
- [In the bedroom, Lisa & Kevin lie on her bed watching themselves doing a heavy romantic scene on her television]
- Lisa Ruddy: [from the TV] Ohhh, Kevin!
- Kevin Kubusheskie: [from the TV] Ohhh, Lisa!
- Lisa Ruddy: [from the TV] Ohhh, Kevin!
- Kevin Kubusheskie: [from the TV] Ohhh, Lisa!
- Lisa Ruddy: [from the TV] Ohhh!
- Kevin Kubusheskie: [from the TV] Ohhh!
- Lisa Ruddy: [from the TV] Ohhh!
- [Multiple bangs on the bedroom door]
- Lisa Ruddy: Uh-oh.
- Valerie Prevort: [from the other side] Lisa, have you got the television set on in there?
- Lisa Ruddy: Uh, no, Mom.
- Valerie Prevort: Well, what's all that noise? I heard voices.
- Lisa Ruddy: I've got a boy in here with me.
- Valerie Prevort: Oh, well, that's all right, then. Don't let me catch you with that television set on.
- Valerie Prevort: [finding her kids watching television together, Kevin in the armchair and Vanessa in her wheelchair] Oh, Kevin, there you are, at it again. You know, sometimes I think you think more of that television set than you do of your poor, crippled, little sister.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Don't be ridiculous, Mom. Of course I think of Vanessa.
- Lance Prevort: [off-stage] FIRE! FIRE!
- [Kevin springs into action, moving Vanessa immediately over to the armchair, putting the TV set on the wheelchair, then quickly wheeling the TV set out of the house, leaving Vanessa behind]
- [Mr. Schidtler turns his classroom into a game show]
- Mr. Schidtler: Welcome to MONEY FOR MARKS! Hey, this is the game we all play and we all win. Everyone goes home HAPPY! Here's how the game works: You come up with the correct cash and you could walk outta here with a GREAT REPORT CARD! Let's not delay. Let's get right to the old report card bin and select today's contestant. Oh, this is a dandy. Listen to this: D in math; we have two F's in geography and history and lots of unimpressive C's. It's no TV and you're grounded for this term if Mom and Dad see this one. Sound familiar? Uh-huh? Because it's yours - Christine McGlade! Christine McGlade, come onnnnnnnn up!
- [Christine screams wildly, jumped up and down in hysterics and runs to the front of the class, kissing Mr. Schidtler in her excitement]
- Mr. Schidtler: Oh. Oh. All right. I mean, now-now-now-now. This just could be your lucky day if you can correctly estimate what I'm demanding as a bribe for this next report card package without going under it.
- Announcer: [a voiceover from nowhere] Yes, Christine, you can forget those angry looks from Dad when you show him a crisp, new B in biology. And don't forget Mom. She'll be pleased when she sees an A in math. Wait! Wait! That's not all! You're NOT grounded, the TV is back on, but what about a raise in your allowance? It could happen when you show them two A's in geography and history!
- [Christine screams, overcome with emotion]
- Mr. Schidtler: All right, class. Now your homework assignment for tonight: I want you to watch Magnum P.I., Dallas, Hill Street Blues, and Fame. Okay, that's it. Class dismissed.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: What a lousy creep, givin' us an assignment like that. It's not fair.
- Lisa Ruddy: I thought that was a pretty good homework assignment.
- Kevin Kubusheskie: No, it wasn't. It was a LOUSY homework assignment.
- Lisa Ruddy: What? Watching television?
- Kevin Kubusheskie: Exactly. You know I never do any of my homework. Now I'll have to miss my favorite TV shows.