- Peter Griffin: [Joe hits his ball onto the green.] Hey Joe?
- Joe Swanson: Don't say it Peter.
- Peter Griffin: No I was just wondering...
- Joe Swanson: Peter, I swear to god.
- Peter Griffin: What's your handicap?
- Joe Swanson: [sarcastic laugh] Oh my god, every hole that's a joke that just doesn't get old.
- Stewie: Oh Squiggly line in my eye fluid, squiggly line that lies in the parenthesis of my eye, when I look at you, you squirm away, are you shy squiggly line, only when I ignore you, you return, its okay squiggly line, you are forgiven
- Stewie: My tanning days are over, Brian. I'm just glad I stopped before I did any real damage.
- Brian Griffin: I'm not so sure. I don't remember you having that mole before.
- Stewie: What the devil! What is that?
- Brian Griffin: I don't know, you were burned pretty badly, it could be the "C" word.
- Stewie: What the hell does that have to do with anything?
- Brian Griffin: I mean cancer.
- Stewie: Oh, I thought you meant... its not important. Oh, no, cancer!
- [Stewie and Brian are ball room dancing]
- Stewie: [whispering] I love you.
- Brian Griffin: What?
- Stewie: I said olive juice?
- Brian Griffin: Olive juice?
- Stewie: [whispering] I olive juice you too.
- Glenn Quagmire: [playing golf, he hits his ball into the rough] God damn it! Come on! Come on!
- [bleeped profanity]
- Glenn Quagmire: Come on, Glenn! Come on, get your head in the goddamn game!
- [yelling, he throws his golf bag in frustration]
- Joe Swanson: Hey, do you think it's time to talk to Quagmire about his anger issues with this game?
- Cleveland Brown: A white man shouldn't play sports in the first place.
- Glenn Quagmire: Hey, hey, hey, hey, that's a stroke!
- Peter Griffin: I just tapped my ball, Quagmire. Relax.
- Glenn Quagmire: Oh, relax? Oh, okay.
- [putting a ball on the ground]
- Glenn Quagmire: Oh, oh, look, I just tapped my ball. Oh, I just tapped it again. Oh, oh, tap, tap, tap. Oh, where is it? Oh! It's in the hole. Eagle! Yay, Quagmire!
- [bending his club over his knee, he throws it against the cart]
- Joe Swanson: Hey, Quagmire, you know it's not fun when you're like this.
- Glenn Quagmire: You want fun? Go home and buy a monkey.
- Cleveland Brown: What does that even mean?
- Glenn Quagmire: I don't know.
- [looking up at the sky]
- Glenn Quagmire: Boy, we got a beautiful day for this.
- Stewie: [talking to Brian] You wouldn't know about it 'cause you're white as a ghost. You're haunting this house with your whiteness.
- Midget: Sir, would you please stop staring at me?
- Old man: Where's the rest o' ya?
- Brian Griffin: [Stewie gets out of his tanning bed with a terrible sunburn] Hey, buddy. I was just coming to tell you it's time to get out.
- Stewie: I've been in there for six and a half hours, you son of a bitch!
- Peter Griffin: Hey, Stewie. Nice sunburn.
- Stewie: [getting slapped on the butt] AHHH! YOU HORSE'S ASS!
- Lois Griffin: Peter, you get down from that tree this instant!
- Peter Griffin: No! You're gonna yell at me!
- Lois Griffin: You're damn right I'm gonna yell at you. You beat up a 13-year-old boy!
- Peter Griffin: He called me names!
- Lois Griffin: You're 43 and you just assaulted our neighbor's child! This is a very serious situation!
- Peter Griffin: Well, maybe you should have just had an abortion, Lois! Would that make you happy if I was never born?
- Lois Griffin: What?
- Peter Griffin: I'm going to prison, aren't I?
- Joe Swanson: Peter, are you sure you're allowed to bring a baby onto the golf course?
- Peter Griffin: Well, Lois asked me to watch Stewie for the afternoon. It's all right, I don't think the club'll mind. It's Cleveland I'm worried about.
- Cleveland Brown: [wearing a mask of Richard Nixon] Peter, is this really necessary? I can't hardly see anything.
- Golf: [passing by with a partner] Hey, look, it's President Nixon.
- [Cleveland raises the mask]
- Golf: No, wait, it's a black guy.
- [he puts it back on]
- Golf: No, it's Nixon.
- Chris Griffin: Hi, Mr. Herbert. Here's your paper.
- John Herbert: Oh, uh, sorry, Chris, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to cancel my subscription.
- Chris Griffin: Cancel? But you love this paper.
- John Herbert: Listen, I think you're a real nice guy, but I've just decided to go with another paper.
- [another paperboy rides up]
- John Herbert: Hello, there, Kyle. You look nice today. I see you're wearing your big shorts with the baggy leg holes that flutter so carelessly in the breeze.
- Kyle: Here's your paper.
- [to Chris]
- Kyle: What are you doing here? Beat it, nerd.
- John Herbert: Thank you. Would you like to come inside for a cupcake and a glass of wine?
- Kyle: Shut up, old man.
- John Herbert: [watching him ride away] Mmm. What's going on in my pants? Looks like we got six more weeks of winter.
- Peter Griffin: Hey, there. Kyle? Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father.
- Kyle: [mocking tone of voice] "Hey, I'm Chris Griffin's father."
- Peter Griffin: Now, that's not very nice. I don't sound like that at all. You're making me sound like Michael Stipe. Listen, I-I just want you to know what you did the other day was wrong.
- Kyle: [still mocking] "What you did the other day was wrong."
- Peter Griffin: You're not making this easy, Kyle.
- Kyle: "You're not making this easy, Kyle. My name's Peter Griffin. I'm a big, fat, dumb butt-face."
- Peter Griffin: Shut up, Kyle.
- Kyle: "I'm Peter Griffin. I'm a dorky, fat numbnuts."
- Peter Griffin: Kyle, I said shut up.
- Kyle: You're a poop-nose.
- [Peter proceeds to beat him up; sneaking out of the house, he returns home and sits down on the couch next to Brian]
- Brian Griffin: Hey, Peter.
- Peter Griffin: Hey, what's going on?
- Brian Griffin: Is something wrong?
- Peter Griffin: [nervously calm] No, no, no, no, no, no, e-everything's... everything's cool right now. Might be some problems later, but, uh, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
- Lois Griffin: [answering the ringing phone] Hello? Peter did what?
- Peter Griffin: Well, I'd best be getting to work.
- Brian Griffin: It's nighttime.
- Peter Griffin: Boy, you said it. All right, take it easy.
- Lois Griffin: Oh, my God, look at Stewie! Peter, you took him out without any sunscreen?
- Peter Griffin: Maybe.
- Lois Griffin: You know the sun is dangerous for a baby's skin. Peter, this is more irresponsible than when you fed your Mogwai after midnight.
- [cut to them in the kitchen]
- Lois Griffin: Peter, didn't the little Chinese man tell you not to feed him after midnight?
- Peter Griffin: Oh, come on, Lois, he's so cute. And he's hungry. What could go wrong?
- [taking a bite of food, it shapeshifts]
- Fran Drescher: Hello, I'm Fran Drescher.
- [her patented annoying laugh]
- Peter Griffin, Lois Griffin: AHHHHH!
- Peter Griffin: Kill it! Kill it!
- TV Announcer: We now return to "Cutting in Line in Front of Italians."
- [as a man cuts in line, the Italians behind him all object with stereotypical accents]
- Italian Man in Line: Hey, Copernicus, why don't you navigate yourself to the back of the line with your feet and stand there with your shirt?
- Lois Griffin: [learning Chris got beaten up by a bully] Peter, I think one of us should go over and have a talk with Kyle's parents.
- Peter Griffin: I'll do it, Lois. Right after a healthy breakfast of juice, toast, and store brand imitation Frosted Flakes featuring Terry the Tiger.
- Terry the Tiger: They'rrree... food!
- Stewie: [pulling up to Meg and Lois on the couch in a toy car] Hey, ladies, you mind if I park here? I'll only be a few minutes.
- Lois Griffin: Stewie, what is that on your lip?
- Stewie: Oh, I drew a pencil mustache. I like it 'cause it's just above my lip. The kind of mustache that says "Yeah, I've been nude on camera. What of it?"
- Lois Griffin: Come here, I'll take care of that, sweetie.
- Stewie: [picking him up, she licks her thumb and wipes it off] Ew, ew, it's got spit all over it. Ugh, now I know what it's like to have dinner with Martin Landau.
- Chris Griffin: Dad, you can't hit him!
- Randy Fulcher: Yeah. I have M.S.
- Peter Griffin: You hear that, son? He has monkey scrotum and is bragging about it.