Shrek Forever After (2010)
Mike Myers: Shrek
Photos
Quotes
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Shrek : Fiona, I know everything about you, I know you sing so beautifully that birds explode. I know that when you sign your name, you put a heart over the i. I know that when you see a shooting star you cross your fingers on both hands, squinch up your nose, and you make a wish, I know that you don't like the covers wrapped around your feet, and I know that you sleep by candlelight because every time you close your eyes, you're afraid you're going to wake up back in that tower, But most importantly Fiona, I know that the reason that you turn human every day is because you've never been kissed, well, by me.
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Shrek : [to Fiona; while disappearing since his "day" is almost over] You know what the best part of today was? I got the chance to fall in love with you all over again.
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[last lines]
Shrek : You know, I always thought I'd rescued you from the Dragon's Keep.
Princess Fiona : You did.
Shrek : No. It was you who rescued me.
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Shrek : Okay, I know you don't remember me but we're married, and at the birthday party with some pigs and a puppet, the villagers wanted me to sign their pitchforks and this boy kept saying 'do the roar! do the roar!' Then I punched the cake that the pigs ate, and the next thing I knew, my donkey fell in your waffle hole.
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Shrek : [upon seeing the obese Puss] Puss, what happened to you? You got so fa...
[Puss gives a stinky look]
Shrek : fa... ncy!
Puss in Boots : Do I know you?
Shrek : Where's your hat? Where's your belt? Your wee little boots?
Puss in Boots : Boots? For a cat? Ha!
Shrek : But you're Puss in Boots.
Puss in Boots : Maybe once. But that is a name I have outgrown.
Shrek : That's not the only thing you've outgrown.
Puss in Boots : Hey! I may have let myself go a little since my retirement, but hanging up my sword was the best decision of my life. I have all the cream I can drink and all the mice I can chase.
[a mouse runs up and drinks from Puss' bowl]
Puss in Boots : Eh. I'll get him later.
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Shrek : There's a stack of freshly made waffles in the middle of the forest! Don't you find that a wee bit suspicious?
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[Rumpelstiltskin licks a plate from the garbage; Shrek storms outside; Fiona follows him; Rumpelstiltskin hides behind a barrel]
Princess Fiona : Unbelievable.
Shrek : Tell me about it! Those villagers--!
Princess Fiona : I'm not talking about the villagers, Shrek. I'm talking about you. Is this *really* how you want to remember the kids' first birthday?
Shrek : Oh, great, so this is all *my* fault?
Princess Fiona : Yes! But, you know what? Let's talk about this *after* the party, at home.
Shrek : You mean that roadside attraction we live in? "Step right up! See the dancing ogre! Don't worry, he won't bite!" I *used* to be an ogre! Now, I'm just a jolly green joke!
Princess Fiona : OK, OK, maybe you're not... the ogre you used to be, but maybe that's not such a bad thing.
Shrek : Ah, I wouldn't expect *you* to understand. It's not like you're a *real* ogre. You spent half your life in a palace.
Princess Fiona : And the other half locked away in a tower.
Shrek : [sighs] Look, all I want is for things to go back to the way they used to be. Back when villagers were afraid of me and I could take a mud bath in peace! When I could do what I wanted, when I wanted to do it! Back when the world made sense!
Princess Fiona : You mean, back before you rescued me from the Dragon's Keep?
Shrek : Exactly!
Princess Fiona : [stares at Shrek in shock] Shrek. You have three beautiful children. A wife who loves you. Friends who adore you. You have everything. Why is it the only person who can't see that is you?
[opens the door, looks back at Shrek, shakes her head and goes inside]
Shrek : That's just great.
[marches off; Rumpelstiltskin comes out of hiding and smiles evilly]
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Donkey : Why don't you just tell her what you told me? You know, about how you're her true love and you came from an alternate universe.
Shrek : Oh, and while I'm at it, why don't I tell her that you're married to a fire-breathing dragon and you have little mutant donkey dragon babies?
Donkey : I do?
Shrek : You saw what happened. She's going to think I'm crazy.
Donkey : I'm a daddy?
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Rumpelstiltskin : You're not going to eat me?
Shrek : I already had a big bowl of curly-toed weirdo for breakfast.
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Puss in Boots : I am not believing what I have just witnessed. Back there, you and Fiona. There was a spark; a spark inside her heart I thought was long extinguished. It was as if, for one moment, Fiona had actually found her true love!
Shrek : I am her true love. I ended her curse.
Puss in Boots : You know of her curse?
Shrek : "By day, one way, by night another. This shall be the norm. Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form."
Puss in Boots : You even know the little rhyme! It is true! You are the one! You must prove it to her!
Shrek : How?
Puss in Boots : Convince her! Go to her when she's alone and tell her something that only her true love would know.
Donkey : [popping out of his hiding spot] Know about what?
[startled, Puss jumps back and hisses]
Donkey : Whoo, that's a whole lot of kitty! Shrek, can we keep him?
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Rumpelstiltskin : I got to say, Shrek, I envy you. To live the life of an ogre; no worries, no responsibilities. You are free to pillage and terrorize as you please.
Shrek : Free? Oh, that's a laugh.
Rumpelstiltskin : Oh, yeah?
Shrek : Sometimes I wish I had just one day to feel like a real ogre again.
Rumpelstiltskin : Well, why didn't you say so? Magical transactions are my specialty!
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Shrek : [learning there's a way to void his deal with Rumpel] Donkey, I've read the fine print and there's nothing about an exit clause in here.
Donkey : Well, you didn't expect him to make it easy for you. Here, let me show you how it's done. I didn't spend all that time around them witches without picking up a few tricks. Your tiny little ogre brain couldn't begin to comprehend the complexity of my polygonic foldability skills.
Shrek : What are you doing?
Donkey : Hey, I can't get my origami on unless you back off. Thank you.
[folding the contract over itself]
Donkey : Okay, here's what you got to do. You got to fold this piece here... make this letter match up here... and bring this corner here like this... and if you do it just right, it will show you what to do. There!
[showing him the finished product]
Donkey : "Try Lou's Bliss."
[awkward silence]
Donkey : Man, who's Lou?
Shrek : Give me that!
[re-folding it]
Shrek : "True love's kiss."
Donkey : [looking at him suspiciously] Hey. Boy, you gonna have to take me to dinner first.
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Rumpelstiltskin : I don't know, not much of a storybook ending. The noble Shrek turns himself in to save a bunch of filthy ogres.
Shrek : All that matters is that they're free and Fiona is safe.
Rumpelstiltskin : Aw, I bet Fiona would be really touched to hear that. But, hey... I guess you can tell her yourself.
Shrek : [seeing her chained up] Fiona! Stiltskin, we had a deal! You agreed to free all ogres!
Rumpelstiltskin : Oh, yeah. But Fiona isn't all ogre, is she? "By day, one way, by night, another." Blardy, blardy, blar.
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Shrek : So what day *would* I have to give up?
Rumpelstiltskin : [carving a rat] Oh, I don't know, any day. A day from your past. How about the day you had the flu? A day you lost a pet?
[resentfully and faster]
Rumpelstiltskin : A day some meddling oaf stuck his Big nose where it didn't belong, destroying your business and ruining your life!
[the knife shatters the plate, calming down]
Rumpelstiltskin : Just for an example.
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Shrek : All right, Rumpel, what's going on? What have you done?
Rumpelstiltskin : Oh, no, Shrek. It's not what I'VE done. It's what YOU'VE done. Thanks to you, the King and Queen signed their kingdom over to me.
Shrek : They would never do that.
Rumpelstiltskin : They would if I promised them all their problems would disappear.
[in a flashback, Rumpelstiltskin laughs as Harold signs the contract]
Rumpelstiltskin : And then THEY disappeared!
[Harold and Lillian stare in shock and scream as they disappear in sparkly gold dust; their crowns drop down onto the table; back in the present day, Rumpelstiltskin pick up Harold's crown and twirls it around his finger; Shrek looks horrified]
Rumpelstiltskin : Ah, they would have done anything if they thought it would end their daughter's curse.
Shrek : I ended Fiona's curse!
Rumpelstiltskin : [rolls the crown aside and kicks it away] How could you when you never existed?
Shrek : [struggles as the witches force him onto his knees] You better start making sense, you dirty little man!
Rumpelstiltskin : [marches up to Shrek and takes the contract out of his vest] Here, let me spell it out for you! You gave me a day from your past, a day you couldn't even remember. Oh-ho-ho. A day when you were an innocent, mindless little baby.
[sticks the contract back in Shrek's vest and marches back to his throne whilst humming "Happy Birthday to You"]
Shrek : [in shocking realisation] You took the day I was born.
Rumpelstiltskin : No, Shrek. You gave it to me.
Shrek : [rises back onto his feet] Enjoy this while you can, Stiltskin, because when this day is up--!
Rumpelstiltskin : But-but-but-but-but you haven't heard the best part. Since you were never born, once this day comes to an end, so will you.
[a witch places a huge hourglass on the table; Shrek watches the slowly-shifting golden sand]
Shrek : Where's Fiona? Where's my family?
Rumpelstiltskin : Ha! Silly little ogre. You don't get it, do you? You see, you were never born. You never met Fiona. Your kids don't exist.
[Shrek grimaces as the witches cackle all around him]
Rumpelstiltskin : How's that for a metaphysical paradox?
[Shrek's anger increases as Rumpelstiltskin and the witches laugh even harder and louder]
Rumpelstiltskin : Looks like you got exactly what you wanted!
[Shrek is now completely enraged]
Rumpelstiltskin : Happy Ogre Day!
Shrek : [lunges forward] Rumpel!
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Shrek : If I didn't save Fiona... then who did?
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Shrek : [after an attempt to break Rumpel's curse doesn't work] I don't understand. This doesn't make any sense. True love's kiss was supposed to fix everything!
Princess Fiona : Yeah, you know what? That's what they told me, too. True love didn't get me out of that tower. I did. I saved myself. Don't you get it? It's all just a big fairy tale.
Shrek : Fiona, don't say that. It does exist!
Princess Fiona : And how would you know? Did you grow up locked away in a dragon's keep? Did you live all alone in a miserable tower? Did you cry yourself to sleep every night waiting for a true love that never came?
Shrek : But... but I'm your true love.
Princess Fiona : Then where were you when I needed you?
Donkey : [Fiona leaves] Maybe you kissed her wrong?
Shrek : No. The kiss didn't work... because Fiona doesn't love me.
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Donkey : I've never seen an ogre cry.
Shrek : I'm not crying.
Donkey : It's nothing to be ashamed of. I mean, I cry all the time. Just thinking about my grandma, or thinking about baby kittens, or... or my grandma kissing a baby kitten... or a little baby grandma kitten.
[tearing up and sobbing]
Donkey : That is so darn sad.
Shrek : I said I'm not crying!
Donkey : Hey, take it easy. I'm only trying to help. It's none of my business why you're upset. By the way, why are you upset?
Shrek : I was tricked into signing something I shouldn't have.
Donkey : Oh, you signed up for one of them time-shares, huh?
Shrek : No.
[showing him the contract with Rumpelstiltskin]
Shrek : I signed this.
Donkey : [gasping] You should never sign a contract with Rumpelstiltskin!
Shrek : Yeah, I got that.
Donkey : His fine print is crafty.
Shrek : I know.
Donkey : His exit clauses are sneaky.
Shrek : Yeah. I... what did you say?
Donkey : I'm talking about the exit clause. Used to be you had to guess his name, but now everybody knows who Rumpelstiltskin is.
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Shrek : [figuring out how to break his contract with Rumpel] If Fiona and I share true love's kiss, I will get my life back!
Donkey : [jumping out of his arms] Okay! This isn't a petting zoo! So where is this Fiona?
Shrek : Well, that's just it, you see. I don't know.
Donkey : You know, when I lose something, I always try to retrace my steps. So, uh, where did you leave her last?
Shrek : The last time I saw her... I told her I wished I'd never rescued her.
[realizing where she is]
Shrek : Oh, no.
Donkey : [cut to them approaching the castle] Shrek? Shrek! Shrek, no, wait! Wait, Shrek! What, are you crazy? That's the Dragon's Keep! They keep dragons in there!
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Shrek : All right, Rumpel! This wasn't part of the deal!
Shrek : [starts shouting at him] RUMPEL!
[he opens and looks at the Ogre for a Day notice when Shrek saw a fleet of witches soaring by while the Witch leader points down to him]
Dancing Witch : OGRE!
[the witches started cackling to him]
Dancing Witch : We've got another one, ladies! GET HIM!
[they landed to him and stated circling at him]
Shrek : Who are you? What are you doing in my swamp?
[the other witch lands into Shrek and grabs the broom till she lands on a tree stump]
Patrol Witch : Look's like a troublemaker!
[bites the stick then throws the apple into the ground. Smoke comes up spinning towards Shrek, then coughs up with skull chains to his body parts]
Patrol Witch : Spread him!
Patrol Witch : [they swung up to Shrek and flew them off to arrest him] Nice Job, Ladies!
[Shrek uncuffs the skull chains then falls down as the witches lift Shrek up]
Shrek : You witches are making a BIG MISTAKE! I've known my rights!
Pumpkin Witch : You have the right to SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
[throws a pumpkin at Shrek's mouth]
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Donkey : [singing "Tomorrow"] Tomorrow , Tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow... .
Shrek : [while Donkey is singing] Donkey, where am I? What's happening?
Wagon Witch #1 : Quiet down there! Oh, I hate this song
[whips Donkey]
Donkey : [starts singing part of "Papa don't preach"] But I made up my mind, I'm keeping my baby...
Wagon Witch #2 : Yeah, I'm driving, so, uh, I'm in charge of the music
[whips Donkey]
Donkey : Hey, will you witches make up your mind, please?
