- Danny Tripp: Took a lot of convincing, but Suzanne's agreed to be your assistant.
- Matt Albie: Yeah?
- Suzanne: If you'll take me.
- Matt Albie: I'll take the hell outta ya.
- Suzanne: Is there a way you'd like me to dress?
- Matt Albie: Sure, but I have to wake up for school now.
- Danny Tripp: Tell Karen to draw you two hundred dollars from petty cash and buy some nice work clothes.
- Suzanne: Two hundred dollars?
- Danny Tripp: It's on us.
- Suzanne: Am I working for Matt in 1963?
- Suzanne: You both need to get B-12 shots from the nurse.
- Matt Albie: I've had mine and Danny can't have one.
- Danny Tripp: Why not?
- Matt Albie: Memo said you can't have the shot if you're pregnant.
- Danny Tripp: Yeah.
- Matt Albie: Seriously, it can be dangerous if you're pregnant.
- Danny Tripp: I'm not pregnant.
- Matt Albie: Have you checked? You're been pretty hormonal.
- Danny Tripp: It's testosterone.
- Matt Albie: It's Estrogen. Suzanne, why don't you get Danny one of those little kits - you probably keep a bunch in your car.
- Danny Tripp: [to Suzanne] He's trying to get a riff going. Don't feed the fire and it will go out.
- Matt Albie: One more thing...
- Danny Tripp: What?
- Matt Albie: You can't get that shot if you're pregnant.
- Danny Tripp: You know Chevy Chase woke up one day, and he just wasn't funny any more.
- Nurse: [after Dylan passes out from a virus that is spreading through the cast] This thing is gonna kill us all.
- Danny Tripp: Oh thanks, Sunshine.
- Nurse: And could these lights possibly be any hotter?
- Danny Tripp: Nope, this is as hot as they get.
- Danny Tripp: Well the problem is, when you were little and your parents told you you were funny, you didn't realize they were just trying to be nice.
- Andy Mackinaw: [after Darius and Lucy's sketch receives absolutely no laughs at the dress rehearsal] Yep... That's what tanking is like.
- Lucy Kenwright: That was unbearable. Was that really only 3 minutes?
- Andy Mackinaw: Actually it ran short. No one had to hold for laughter.
- Darius Hawthorne: Come on, let's get out of here.
- Andy Mackinaw: Wait here a minute.
- Darius Hawthorne: For what?
- Andy Mackinaw: The metaphor.
- Andy Mackinaw: [Darius suddenly has a door thrown right in his face by a person running out of the studio] Okay, come on.
- Matt Albie: All right, here it is. It's easy, but pay attention. "Spit-Take Theatre" same five actors, same set. It's going on the cards right now and we'll mark it during the next c-break. You speak in a Stentorian voice. On the first round of cards the actor third to the left of the person speaking does a spit-take. On the second round, the actor third to the left and to the immediate left does a spit-take, and on the final round anyone who isn't speaking does a spit-take. Good?
- Harriet Hayes: Wait, I made it through the week without getting sick and now we're ending the night with everybody spitting at me?
- Matt Albie: That's better. Everyone should just spit at Harriet.
- Harriet Hayes: Knock-knock.
- Tom Jeter: Oh God.
- Harriet Hayes: Knock-knock rook.
- Dylan Killington: Who's there?
- Harriet Hayes: Orange.
- Samantha Li: Banana!
- Harriet Hayes: Orange.
- Samantha Li: Banana! It's banana! Banana, banana, banana! Then you say orange, "Orange you glad I didn't say banana?" Four-year-olds are telling this joke!
- Harriet Hayes: Okay, well calm down. I happen to be a member of the... what?
- Simon Stiles: Fallstaff.
- Harriet Hayes: Fallstaff Society.
- Darius Hawthorne: [while Andy reads a new sketch] What do you think?
- Andy Mackinaw: I'm on page 2 and I still don't know what it's about.
- Darius Hawthorne: See, it's about the world's dumbest criminal who takes hostages in a bank...
- Andy Mackinaw: 'Kay, well you're going to have to explain it to everybody in the audience exactly like that, because I'm on page 2 and I still don't know what it's about.
- Danny Tripp: How's it going?
- Matt Albie: Good... good... good... good... good.
- Danny Tripp: Yeah?
- Matt Albie: Absolutely.
- Danny Tripp: Good.
- Matt Albie: No.
- Danny Tripp: Yeah.
- Matt Albie: We may need a little help.
- Danny Tripp: Yeah.
- Simon Stiles: [an air horn blows] What the hell what that?
- Tom Jeter: An air horn.
- Simon Stiles: Why is an air horn lying around here?
- Tom Jeter: Maybe it's just for such an occasion.
- Harriet Hayes: I'm better than all of you, and the proof is, I got into the American Falstaff Society.
- Simon Stiles: I'm already in.
- Harriet Hayes: Alright. Then I'm better than three of you.
- Harriet Hayes: Matt!
- Matt Albie: Yeah.
- Harriet Hayes: I got into the Falstaff Society.
- Matt Albie: Hey, great! Are you the first woman?
- Harriet Hayes: I'm the eleventh woman.
- Matt Albie: Cool.
- Harriet Hayes: I am the first woman in the Great Lake region.
- Matt Albie: You're quite a pioneer!
- Matt Albie: Have you let Martha have it for her column?
- Danny Tripp: Huh?
- Matt Albie: You said you were gonna let Martha have it, and I wanted to see that.
- Danny Tripp: Well, I banished her from the floor.
- Matt Albie: She's right there on the floor next to you.
- Danny Tripp: Well, she has full access.
- Matt Albie: She's waiving at me right now.
- Danny Tripp: I know.
- Matt Albie: Almost seems like she's mocking you...
- Danny Tripp: You'll learn. Did you read Martha O'Dell's column on Tuesday?
- Suzanne: Yes.
- Danny Tripp: Do you agree it's terrible that she sourced an anonymous web post to support her point?
- Suzanne: I liked the piece.
- Danny Tripp: Never disagree with me.
- Suzanne: It made me sick.