The Thick of It (TV Series)

The Rise of the Nutters (2007)

Peter Capaldi: Malcolm Tucker

Photos 

Quotes 

• Malcolm Tucker : [preparing Ben for going on TV again]  Get him properly fucking screen-tested! I'm sorry, mate, but you need a lot of powder. I've never seen anyone look so fucking ugly with just one head!

  Ben Swain : No, I've lost my... erm... safety...

  Malcolm Tucker : Who was it that did your media training? Myra Hindley? It's terrible! All these hands all over the place! You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!

  Ben Swain : Yes, I know all that. It just, kinda, fell away. It's like one of those dreams when you're wandering around Covent Garden with just a west and everyone's staring at you.

  Jamie : It was much worse than that. I mean, how many people see you at Covent Garden? A few thousands? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people! That's more people than saw Al Jolson in his fucking career! And that's Al fucking Jolson!

  Malcolm Tucker : He loves Al Jolson.

  Jamie : The Guvnor!

  Oliver Reeder : Maaameee!

  Jamie : You take the piss out of Al Jolson again and I will remove your iPod from its tiny nano-sheath and push it up your cock! Then I'll put some speakers up your arse and put it on shuffle with my fucking fist. And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track by crushing your balls!

• Malcolm Tucker : [coughing after smoking a cigar]  Oh... That's like smoking dead skin, that is!

  Jamie : It's not a proper cigar! Proper cigars are those big Cuban whoppers, that is just a jumped up fag.

  Malcolm Tucker : [Ollie comes over]  Talking of which.

  [to Ollie] 

  Malcolm Tucker : Do you fancy a cigar? I promise I won't tell any of the other prefects.

  Jamie : Hand-rolled on a thigh of a Cuban virgin with big tits and four kids.

  Oliver Reeder : Yeah, thanks. Malcolm, I just wondered if we could have a quick word, actually. The Opposition have got the week at the coalface idea, they're gonna do it.

  Jamie : Who? When?

  Oliver Reeder : Peter Mannion, I don't know when.

  Malcolm Tucker : How the fuck did they get that? Your fucking girlfriend! Jesus Christ!

  Jamie : You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago!

  Oliver Reeder : I would have done, I would have done, she IS mad, she's a mental woman but you two kept telling me to go out with her and stay going out with her just in case I found anything else!

  Jamie : And what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever! You're David fucking Niven!

• Malcolm Tucker : [to a couple of Ben's people]  Off you two fuck.

• Malcolm Tucker : You and me, Ollie, hey? I just realised that we're on the same boat, yeah? I mean, obvioulsy, I'm up on the bridge with the binoculars and the Richard Gere gear on, you're down in the engine room trying not to get bum-raped by a bunch of big lads with shovels, but, essentially, it's the same boat!

  Oliver Reeder : Sorry, what boat is... are we discussing?

  Malcolm Tucker : The thing is, people like you and I, Ollie, we need time, right?

  Oliver Reeder : Right.

  Malcolm Tucker : We need time to ease the transition from one regime to the next. And I've been hearing from a very nasty, very baldie little bug that we might not be getting the time that we need to make the alliances that we need to ease the transition.

  Oliver Reeder : Ok, so...

  Malcolm Tucker : I want the Opposition to make an announcement for me.

  Oliver Reeder : The Opposition?

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah. I want them to announce the hiving off of immigration to a non-political executive body.

  Oliver Reeder : That's... that's the PM's legacy!

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah.

  Oliver Reeder : But the Opposition... It's different party, Malcolm. I can't make them do things, even YOU can't make them do things.

  Malcolm Tucker : Where's all this education? Where does it normally go when it comes to this kind of moment?

  Oliver Reeder : I understand that it's

  [puts up one hand] 

  Oliver Reeder : this party and

  [puts up the other hand] 

  Oliver Reeder : this party and we're

  [indicates hands] 

  Oliver Reeder : this party and they're this party, and therefore how can I influence that?

  Malcolm Tucker : You take

  [puts up his hands the way Ollie did] 

  Malcolm Tucker : this and this and you put it onto your bird's breasts, and you rub them and squeeze them very very gently, you get her into the sack, you bang her fucking brains out, you make sure that she comes and you just give her the policy!

  Oliver Reeder : But I... I chucked her. In a kind of 'it's not you' it's me' sort of... but it IS you, you hideous, vacuous, slow bitch from hell!

  Malcolm Tucker : I'm really not interested at all in your little tiff. Get round her, take your Barry White album and your lube and your fucking policy folder!

  Oliver Reeder : Malcolm, this is really crossing the line!

  Malcolm Tucker : Don't start with the moral objections, you fucking Blue Peter badge wearing ponce! Go and make a contribution to the fucking Amnesty International! Go and buy a goat a whole village can fuck, but you are doing this for me!

  Oliver Reeder : Malcolm! You're bullying me, and I dunno why you're bullying me...

  Malcolm Tucker : How dare you! How dare you! Don't you ever, EVER, call me a bully! I'm so much worse than that.

• Malcolm Tucker : Mannion is not announcing early enough!

  Oliver Reeder : Malcolm, they're the Opposotion! They've got they're own mind, they can make it up! I can't control them, you can't control them! You don't even answer to me, like a one-man guerilla army operating against your own fucking government!

  Malcolm Tucker : This is not the day for you to be brave with me, boy, let me tell you that. You're no fucking Andy McNab.

• Malcolm Tucker : [meeting with Nicholson. Malcolm passes Jamie a note]  "Please could you take this note, ram it up his hairy inbox and pin it to his fucking prostate."

• Malcolm Tucker : [a party, Ben comes in]  Oh, here he is. Dead man walking.

  Jamie : [blinking and making faces]  "I-I-I-I wish you stopped saying that!" What's your favorite band? Blink 182?

• Jamie : Will this help to fuck the Nutters or not?

  Julius Nicholson : Look James, those Nutters, they do not operate in a vacuum. They're part of the party, they're part of government. I mean, Ben Swain is going on Newsnight tonight, God knows what's that gonna throw up.

  Malcolm Tucker : His lunch. I mean, a big nothing, junior Nutter being interviewed by a dwarf hack.

  Julius Nicholson : That is a Paxman interview.

  Malcolm Tucker : No, it's not Paxman. Are you sure of that?

  Julius Nicholson : Yes Malcolm, I'm sure it's Paxman. I've just spoken to Pat Morissy, she's confirmed it half an hour ago.

  Malcolm Tucker : She's ticked this? Well, fine, you know, Paxman, I mean he's lost his teeth anyway, he's like Russel fucking Hearty these days.

  Jamie : Without the element of danger.

  Malcolm Tucker : [after the meeting]  What happened to my tick?

  Jamie : I don't know.

  Malcolm Tucker : God, I just got it and now Pat's taken it away! It's a two-ticks system and she gets both fucking ticks!

  Jamie : Pumpkin-ticks.

  Malcolm Tucker : She's got a fucking enormous box as well.

• Oliver Reeder : [Tucker's trying to get Ollie to use his now ex-girlfriend Emma for his political schemes again]  Malcolm, this is really crossing the line!

  Malcolm Tucker : Don't start with the moral objections, you fucking Blue Peter badge wearing ponce! Go and make a contribution to the fucking Amnesty International! Go and buy a goat a whole village can fuck, but you are doing this for me!

  Oliver Reeder : Malcolm! You're bullying me, and I dunno why you're bullying me...

  Malcolm Tucker : How dare you! How dare you! Don't you ever, ever call me a bully! I'm so much worse than that.

• Malcolm Tucker : [Julius stops Malcolm and Ben from spoiling the PM's Legacy announcement on Newsnight]  Right, that's your 15 minutes up. Should have been a bit faster off your feet. Just don't clearly mention the policy.

  Ben Swain : Well, I can't... Then you'll have to cancel it.

  Malcolm Tucker : Are you fucking kidding me? I mean, you've just watched me break my not-inconsiderable balls trying to get you the second spot on Newsnight. And succeding! I can't back down! No, no, you're on, pal, right? And it better not be too boring, and it better not be too interesting either, ok? And it better not cost too much. It can't be an old thing, obviously, and don't make it too new. And whatever you do, please try not to embarrass yourself, right?

• Jamie : [after the PM's announced his resignation]  You fucking dick! This is all down to you, you know!

  Malcolm Tucker : Oh, don't be so fucking stupid!

  Jamie : You're a fucking Nutter!

  Malcolm Tucker : I'm not a Nutter!

  Jamie : Oh, you are going Nutter, mate!

• Malcolm Tucker : [to Ben Swain after the Newsnight incident]  You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra.

• Malcolm Tucker : [on the phone to Jamie while watching Ben live on Newsnight]  He's like a chicken, he's like an enormous chicken!

• Malcolm Tucker : What is going on with this coalface bullshit, Terri?

  Terri Coverley : What this? What this? I don't understand...

  Malcolm Tucker : The Opposition fat-fighting immigration.

  Terri Coverley : There was an official request this afternoon from Stewart Pearson, their PR guy. I saw no legitimate reason to stop it, so... And he was very nice.

  Malcolm Tucker : He was nice?

  Terri Coverley : Good manners cost nothing, Malcolm. Just because you two were raised by Scottish wolves!

  Malcolm Tucker : Jesus Christ! Is it this fucking easy to get into your knickers? 'Cause if I was you, I would go down to the clap clinic and get them have a good look up you!

  Terri Coverley : Listen, I followed procedure!

  Jamie : What about the two ticks?

  Terri Coverley : I didn't have to do the two ticks! I put a memo through to Julius, he ok-d it and it is going ahead!

• Malcolm Tucker : [to Ben]  I want you to announce a policy for me. And I want you take the full credit and be the face of it.

  Ben Swain : This is an overture, then, Malcolm. You coming round to the Nutter way of thinking? You bailing out on the PM?

  Malcolm Tucker : No, no, offcourse not.

  Ben Swain : What's your policy? What's your idea?

  Malcolm Tucker : Taking immigration out of political control.

  Oliver Reeder : Hang on, you're giving it to him now, are you?

  Malcolm Tucker : I'm gonna bang you on Newsnight, right? And you are gonna fly this time, my friend. You are gonna light up the sky! Where's your phone? Give us your phone.

  Ben Swain : I'm not... Newsnight? How are we gonna pay for it? They'll ask me that, how're we gonna pay for this?

  Malcolm Tucker : Ollie, where's the money coming from?

  Oliver Reeder : We can just cancel something that's already on the slate, maybe?

  Ben Swain : Brilliant, I'll say that, that'll be great, thank you, Carole Vorderman.

  Oliver Reeder : Well, why don't we say that we're wrapping up the citizenship program with this. I mean, it won't end up, but then they'll find it very hard to prove because we never actually said how much citizenship costs in the first place.

  Malcolm Tucker : That'll do. Ok. This. Is. It. This is it!

  Ben Swain : No, hold on, I've got to have a think about it! No, don't wave my phone at me, that's not gonna help!

  Oliver Reeder : He's doing the blinky thing again.

  Malcolm Tucker : Right, if you're not gonna go on, I'm gonna get

  [points to Ollie] 

  Malcolm Tucker : this giggling streak of piss to go on to Newsnight, I don't even fucking care! Let it be his chinless, sulky little face that everyone sees for the whole of the next week!

  Ben Swain : Oh... Fuck it, I'll do it!

• Malcolm Tucker : [to Jamie, while trying to get in touch with the PM after hearing about the resignation]  What happens to me, right? What happens to me? He's gone, right? Does he lift the phone? Does he fuck!

• Julius Nicholson : [on the phone]  Malcolm Tucker! To what do I owe the pleasure?

  Malcolm Tucker : This coalface bullshit is gonna make us look like a bunch of gurning wankers!

  Julius Nicholson : We will not look like gurning... people. They point out the problems, we solve it. It's a damn slight more subtle than raising it ourselves.

  Malcolm Tucker : You actually want the Opposition to do this? We are through the looking glass now, folks. Fuck me!

  [to Ollie, Jamie and Ben] 

  Malcolm Tucker : We're gonna get My Little Pony... erm... young Benjamin here to announce that he's going to the coalface, and we're gonna do this before the wankers do, ok?

• Malcolm Tucker : [to Ben]  Jamie's gonna stay with you, ok? He'll be by your side until the interview is over, even if you take a dump.

  Jamie : Even if I take a dump, eh? And I shit alot... Smoking and a fast metabolism.

  Ben Swain : Well, fantastic, we'll spend the day defecating together. It's the glamor of this job that I so much enjoy.

• Oliver Reeder : Well, just check the lines with Pat Morissy, then we'll...

  Jamie : Pat Morissy?

  Oliver Reeder : Yeah.

  Jamie : What, Fat Pat? Pumpkin-tits?

  Oliver Reeder : Yeah. Pat and Communications have asked that everything be double-ticked through her from now.

  [to Tucker] 

  Oliver Reeder : Well you get a tick as well, obviously.

  Malcolm Tucker : Oh, obviously. Well that's very very nice of them, that's very fucking big of them. I get a tick?

  Oliver Reeder : It's two ticks for a green light, basically.

  Malcolm Tucker : Pat Morissy. The Communications is full of Nutters this days!

  Jamie : As soon as the PM said he'll be gone inside of a year the Nutters start popping-up like mela-fucking-noma.

  Malcolm Tucker : [to Ollie]  See you later. See you in a tick.

  Jamie : [to Ollie]  What about you? You're not a Nutter, are you?

  Oliver Reeder : I'm not a Nutter, Jamie. I'm a nipper.

• Malcolm Tucker : What is going on with this coalface bullshit, Terri?

  Terri Coverley : What this? What this? I don't understand...

  Malcolm Tucker : The Opposition fat-fighting immigration.

  Terri Coverley : There was an official request this afternoon from Stewart Pearson, their PR guy. I saw no legitimate reason to stop it, so... And he was very nice.

  Malcolm Tucker : He was nice?

  Terri Coverley : Good manners cost nothing, Malcolm. Just because you two were raised by Scottish wolves!

• Terri Coverley : [on the phone, about Peter Mannion in the Immigration center]  When everyone went out of the office he just Googled his name.

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah, that's always fun. Although I find it quicker just to poke needles in my eyes.

• Malcolm Tucker : [on the phone, talking about the "Silly Tucker" article]  The story isn't me, Glenn, ok? Nobody is interested in me and I'll be pleased if you would remember that, ok?

  Glenn Cullen : You sure you don't want me and Hugh to come back, we could give you some cover?

  Malcolm Tucker : Hugh is not coming back, it will look like we're panicking and we're not panicking, but I need you back here fucking ASAP to let them know that we're not panicking!

  Glenn Cullen : So you want me to interrupt my holiday in a panic so Hugh doesn't have to interrupt his holiday and look like he's panicking?

  Malcolm Tucker : You get back here! I wanna see you popping a bollock for me!

  [hangs up. Jamie comes into the office with the article] 

  Jamie : You seen this?

  Malcolm Tucker : No, I haven't seen that. I'm the senior press guy for the government of Great Britain and Northern Ireland. No, I don't look at the newspapers, that's fucking news to me!

  Jamie : Allright, allright, what are we doing?

  Malcolm Tucker : What are we doing? Fuck all, we're not doing nothing, because I am not the story here!

  Jamie : You kind of are the story, Malcolm. They spelled your name right and everything.

  Malcolm Tucker : Look, I'm not doing nothing. Not drawing attention to it!

  Jamie : I'm not drawing attention to it.

  Malcolm Tucker : You're drawing MY attention to it!

  [Jamie looks at the article] 

  Malcolm Tucker : Stop looking at it!

  Jamie : Allright, allright, we'll stay frozen to the fucking phone, we'll send the media to Coventry, that will help.

  Malcolm Tucker : That WILL help, that is the way I wanna play it, ok? I'm going for a walk.

  Jamie : A walk?

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah, what, I don't need your fucking permission to go for a walk!

  Jamie : No,no.

  Malcolm Tucker : I can go for a walk?

  Jamie : Yeah, I just never seen you going for a walk before.

  Malcolm Tucker : How do you think I get in here in the morning? How do I get from the front door to here, I fucking walk, don't I?

  Jamie : Yeah, but you don't go FOR a walk.

  Malcolm Tucker : I'm away for a walk!

• Malcolm Tucker : You and me, Ollie, hey? I just realized that we're on the same boat, yeah? I mean, obvioulsy, I'm up on the bridge with the binoculars and the Richard Gere gear on, you're down in the engine room trying not to get bum-raped by a bunch of big lads with shovels, but, essentially, it's the same boat!

• Julius Nicholson : Right, I want one minute of your time, Malcolm. Just thought you'd like to know that thanks to the mailstorm of confusion and the toing and the froing and the chopping and the changing, the Legacy project has now been ditched. The Prime Minister decided to pull it. Yeah, I hope you're happy about that, Malcolm. I'm sure you are.

  Malcolm Tucker : You know, Julius, if I wasn't an heterosexual man I would kiss you.

• Malcolm Tucker : Ah, Paxo, I'll miss him when he has that massive coronary.

• Julius Nicholson : [after the PM's surprising resignation]  I can't believe it. That was not the date.

  Malcolm Tucker : You can say that again.

  Julius Nicholson : I was given the incorrect date, rather than the date was changed or the original date was not the actual date.

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah, I fucking know that.

  Julius Nicholson : I can't believe he didn't tell me the fucking date! That is fucking rude, isn't it? I think my diaries will make a pretty interesting reading. Don't try to sack the chief examiner over his son's retake, oh yes, I think they might make an interesting reading, actually.