The Thick of It (TV Series)

The Rise of the Nutters (2007)

Chris Addison: Oliver Reeder

Photos 

Quotes 

• Malcolm Tucker : [preparing Ben for going on TV again]  Get him properly fucking screen-tested! I'm sorry, mate, but you need a lot of powder. I've never seen anyone look so fucking ugly with just one head!

  Ben Swain : No, I've lost my... erm... safety...

  Malcolm Tucker : Who was it that did your media training? Myra Hindley? It's terrible! All these hands all over the place! You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!

  Ben Swain : Yes, I know all that. It just, kinda, fell away. It's like one of those dreams when you're wandering around Covent Garden with just a west and everyone's staring at you.

  Jamie : It was much worse than that. I mean, how many people see you at Covent Garden? A few thousands? Your meltdown was witnessed by 1.2 million people! That's more people than saw Al Jolson in his fucking career! And that's Al fucking Jolson!

  Malcolm Tucker : He loves Al Jolson.

  Jamie : The Guvnor!

  Oliver Reeder : Maaameee!

  Jamie : You take the piss out of Al Jolson again and I will remove your iPod from its tiny nano-sheath and push it up your cock! Then I'll put some speakers up your arse and put it on shuffle with my fucking fist. And every time I hear something that I don't like, which will be every time that something comes on, I will skip to the next track by crushing your balls!

• Malcolm Tucker : [coughing after smoking a cigar]  Oh... That's like smoking dead skin, that is!

  Jamie : It's not a proper cigar! Proper cigars are those big Cuban whoppers, that is just a jumped up fag.

  Malcolm Tucker : [Ollie comes over]  Talking of which.

  [to Ollie] 

  Malcolm Tucker : Do you fancy a cigar? I promise I won't tell any of the other prefects.

  Jamie : Hand-rolled on a thigh of a Cuban virgin with big tits and four kids.

  Oliver Reeder : Yeah, thanks. Malcolm, I just wondered if we could have a quick word, actually. The Opposition have got the week at the coalface idea, they're gonna do it.

  Jamie : Who? When?

  Oliver Reeder : Peter Mannion, I don't know when.

  Malcolm Tucker : How the fuck did they get that? Your fucking girlfriend! Jesus Christ!

  Jamie : You should have dumped that mad bitch ages ago!

  Oliver Reeder : I would have done, I would have done, she IS mad, she's a mental woman but you two kept telling me to go out with her and stay going out with her just in case I found anything else!

  Jamie : And what did you find out? That you've been leaking intelligence to them? You're the fucking shittest James Bond ever! You're David fucking Niven!

• Malcolm Tucker : You and me, Ollie, hey? I just realised that we're on the same boat, yeah? I mean, obvioulsy, I'm up on the bridge with the binoculars and the Richard Gere gear on, you're down in the engine room trying not to get bum-raped by a bunch of big lads with shovels, but, essentially, it's the same boat!

  Oliver Reeder : Sorry, what boat is... are we discussing?

  Malcolm Tucker : The thing is, people like you and I, Ollie, we need time, right?

  Oliver Reeder : Right.

  Malcolm Tucker : We need time to ease the transition from one regime to the next. And I've been hearing from a very nasty, very baldie little bug that we might not be getting the time that we need to make the alliances that we need to ease the transition.

  Oliver Reeder : Ok, so...

  Malcolm Tucker : I want the Opposition to make an announcement for me.

  Oliver Reeder : The Opposition?

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah. I want them to announce the hiving off of immigration to a non-political executive body.

  Oliver Reeder : That's... that's the PM's legacy!

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah.

  Oliver Reeder : But the Opposition... It's different party, Malcolm. I can't make them do things, even YOU can't make them do things.

  Malcolm Tucker : Where's all this education? Where does it normally go when it comes to this kind of moment?

  Oliver Reeder : I understand that it's

  [puts up one hand] 

  Oliver Reeder : this party and

  [puts up the other hand] 

  Oliver Reeder : this party and we're

  [indicates hands] 

  Oliver Reeder : this party and they're this party, and therefore how can I influence that?

  Malcolm Tucker : You take

  [puts up his hands the way Ollie did] 

  Malcolm Tucker : this and this and you put it onto your bird's breasts, and you rub them and squeeze them very very gently, you get her into the sack, you bang her fucking brains out, you make sure that she comes and you just give her the policy!

  Oliver Reeder : But I... I chucked her. In a kind of 'it's not you' it's me' sort of... but it IS you, you hideous, vacuous, slow bitch from hell!

  Malcolm Tucker : I'm really not interested at all in your little tiff. Get round her, take your Barry White album and your lube and your fucking policy folder!

  Oliver Reeder : Malcolm, this is really crossing the line!

  Malcolm Tucker : Don't start with the moral objections, you fucking Blue Peter badge wearing ponce! Go and make a contribution to the fucking Amnesty International! Go and buy a goat a whole village can fuck, but you are doing this for me!

  Oliver Reeder : Malcolm! You're bullying me, and I dunno why you're bullying me...

  Malcolm Tucker : How dare you! How dare you! Don't you ever, EVER, call me a bully! I'm so much worse than that.

• Malcolm Tucker : Mannion is not announcing early enough!

  Oliver Reeder : Malcolm, they're the Opposotion! They've got they're own mind, they can make it up! I can't control them, you can't control them! You don't even answer to me, like a one-man guerilla army operating against your own fucking government!

  Malcolm Tucker : This is not the day for you to be brave with me, boy, let me tell you that. You're no fucking Andy McNab.

• Oliver Reeder : [Tucker's trying to get Ollie to use his now ex-girlfriend Emma for his political schemes again]  Malcolm, this is really crossing the line!

  Malcolm Tucker : Don't start with the moral objections, you fucking Blue Peter badge wearing ponce! Go and make a contribution to the fucking Amnesty International! Go and buy a goat a whole village can fuck, but you are doing this for me!

  Oliver Reeder : Malcolm! You're bullying me, and I dunno why you're bullying me...

  Malcolm Tucker : How dare you! How dare you! Don't you ever, ever call me a bully! I'm so much worse than that.

• Oliver Reeder : I'm extremely impressed. I'm highly impressed that you're going to see the leader of your party.

  Emma Messinger : You should be impressed.

  Oliver Reeder : Although, ultimately, the leader of your party is just a man, isn't he really? He's just a guy.

  Emma Messinger : That's a good point, actually, because yours, on the other hand...

  Oliver Reeder : No, no, mine is... the leader of the country, also. What I'm just saying if we were playing Top Trumps, which we kind of are...

  Emma Messinger : We absolutely are!

  Oliver Reeder : I win!

• Oliver Reeder : So, Ben, on Newsnight.

  Terri Coverley : Ben Swain's going on Newsnight?

  Oliver Reeder : Yeah. Oh, thank God you didn't know, either. I thought it was just me.

  Terri Coverley : No, I did know about that, actually.

  Oliver Reeder : Why did you say it like that, then: "Ben Swain going on Newsnight?"

  Terri Coverley : You're just out of the loop. I'm very well wired into the Tomists.

  Oliver Reeder : [laughs]  Nobody calls them Tomists, they're Nutters, Terri, nobody calls them Tomists.

  Terri Coverley : I don't like that word, my sister works in mental health!

  Oliver Reeder : Yeah, well.

• Oliver Reeder : [about Ben's book 'It's The Everything, Stupid: How To Get Ahead In Modern Politics']  This is looking good. When's it coming out?

  Ben Swain : End of the week.

  Terri Coverley : Great title!

  Ben Swain : Thank you.

  Oliver Reeder : And have you written it yourself or was it ghosted by...?

  Ben Swain : By Victoria Beckham? No, everything in there is entirely written by me, I think you will find.

  Oliver Reeder : There you go, you have hidden talents.

• Emma Messinger : [arguing about Emma stealing Ollie's coalface idea and their relationship]  Christ, Ollie, if it'd been such a fucking disaster, why didn't you break up with me sooner?

  Oliver Reeder : Well, if it'd been up to me, I would have broken up with you sooner!

  Emma Messinger : If it'd been up to you... This is Malcolm, isn't it? Malcolm has been pimping you out!

• Oliver Reeder : [to Phil]  I will be so not sorry not ever to have to talk to you again, you massive floppy blond tit! I hope your blog gets dumped for libel and you get nobbed in prison by men!

• Malcolm Tucker : [to Ben]  I want you to announce a policy for me. And I want you take the full credit and be the face of it.

  Ben Swain : This is an overture, then, Malcolm. You coming round to the Nutter way of thinking? You bailing out on the PM?

  Malcolm Tucker : No, no, offcourse not.

  Ben Swain : What's your policy? What's your idea?

  Malcolm Tucker : Taking immigration out of political control.

  Oliver Reeder : Hang on, you're giving it to him now, are you?

  Malcolm Tucker : I'm gonna bang you on Newsnight, right? And you are gonna fly this time, my friend. You are gonna light up the sky! Where's your phone? Give us your phone.

  Ben Swain : I'm not... Newsnight? How are we gonna pay for it? They'll ask me that, how're we gonna pay for this?

  Malcolm Tucker : Ollie, where's the money coming from?

  Oliver Reeder : We can just cancel something that's already on the slate, maybe?

  Ben Swain : Brilliant, I'll say that, that'll be great, thank you, Carole Vorderman.

  Oliver Reeder : Well, why don't we say that we're wrapping up the citizenship program with this. I mean, it won't end up, but then they'll find it very hard to prove because we never actually said how much citizenship costs in the first place.

  Malcolm Tucker : That'll do. Ok. This. Is. It. This is it!

  Ben Swain : No, hold on, I've got to have a think about it! No, don't wave my phone at me, that's not gonna help!

  Oliver Reeder : He's doing the blinky thing again.

  Malcolm Tucker : Right, if you're not gonna go on, I'm gonna get

  [points to Ollie] 

  Malcolm Tucker : this giggling streak of piss to go on to Newsnight, I don't even fucking care! Let it be his chinless, sulky little face that everyone sees for the whole of the next week!

  Ben Swain : Oh... Fuck it, I'll do it!

• Glenn Cullen : Listen, Ollie, you may be babysitting a Nutter, he may look like a Wamble, but he's got Nutter eyes and Nutter ears, so keep an eye on.

  Oliver Reeder : Alright, the minute any chicken blood turns up on the paperwork I'll be straight onto you, don't worry.

• Oliver Reeder : Well, just check the lines with Pat Morissy, then we'll...

  Jamie : Pat Morissy?

  Oliver Reeder : Yeah.

  Jamie : What, Fat Pat? Pumpkin-tits?

  Oliver Reeder : Yeah. Pat and Communications have asked that everything be double-ticked through her from now.

  [to Tucker] 

  Oliver Reeder : Well you get a tick as well, obviously.

  Malcolm Tucker : Oh, obviously. Well that's very very nice of them, that's very fucking big of them. I get a tick?

  Oliver Reeder : It's two ticks for a green light, basically.

  Malcolm Tucker : Pat Morissy. The Communications is full of Nutters this days!

  Jamie : As soon as the PM said he'll be gone inside of a year the Nutters start popping-up like mela-fucking-noma.

  Malcolm Tucker : [to Ollie]  See you later. See you in a tick.

  Jamie : [to Ollie]  What about you? You're not a Nutter, are you?

  Oliver Reeder : I'm not a Nutter, Jamie. I'm a nipper.

• Oliver Reeder : [to Jamie and Malcolm]  What are the two of you doing around Richmond Terrace?

  Jamie : Oh, we're slobbing it. Just going to see Julius, the big baldie ball-bag.

• Phil Smith : [complaining about Ollie being in their flat]  Why the fuck do you keep inviting him round here?

  Emma Messinger : Why, are you a bit jealous?

  Phil Smith : What, of the man from the Mister Muscle adverts? I just think it's just unreasonable that I have to watch what I say in my own flat! You could at least give me warning when he's coming round or something.

  Emma Messinger : I'll tell you what, we can put a sex-grid on the fridge, so that you can have dates and stuff. I'll put an A-4 piece of paper for me up and then you could have a half a post-it note. You could share with Affers, maybe.

  Phil Smith : Yeah, I'll have to write very small, though. I've slept with 3 women in...

  Oliver Reeder : Your life?

  Phil Smith : Yes.