- Tony Soprano: It's in his blood, this miserable fuckin' existence. My rotten, fuckin' putrid genes have infected my kid's soul. That's my gift to my son.
- Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I know all this is difficult but I'm very glad we're having this discussion.
- Tony Soprano: Really, really? 'Cause I gotta be honest, I think it fuckin' sucks.
- Dr. Jennifer Melfi: What does?
- Tony Soprano: This. Therapy. I HATE this fuckin' shit! Seriously, we're both adults here, right? So after all is said and done, after all the complainin' and the cryin' and all the fuckin' bullshit... is this all there is?
- Christopher Moltisanti: You ain't seen this many cops lined up since the centennial of Dunkin' Donuts.
- Tony Soprano: I came here today to tell you, in all seriousness, that I'm done. I did what you said. I gave it a lot of thought and I decided, once and for all, it's over. The truth is this therapy is a jerk-off. You know it and I know it.
- Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I actually don't know it but please continue.
- Tony Soprano: It's a jerk-off.
- Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Yes, you've said that.
- Christopher Moltisanti: I look in her eyes, man, and she looks back at me...
- Paulie Walnuts: How the fuck do I put myself up for adoption?
- Christopher Moltisanti: What?
- Paulie Walnuts: Nothin'. Go ahead.
- Christopher Moltisanti: She ain't adopted Paulie.
- Paulie Walnuts: I'm kiddin'. What were you sayin'?
- Christopher Moltisanti: My point... What the fuck?... It's babies. They're the future. You realize by the time Caitlin's outta college it'll be like the year 2027 or somethin'.
- Paulie Walnuts: She takes after you she won't be outta fourth grade by then. 'Course by that time she'll be workin' here so who gives a shit.
- Tony Soprano: These fuckin' women, they'll drive you nuts with their emotions and whatnot. And I know it feels like you're never gonna love anybody again. But trust me, there's millions of girls that are dyin' to meet a guy like you. I see 'em every day.
- Anthony Soprano, Jr.: Oh, right. I'm so special.
- Tony Soprano: You're damn right you are. You're handsome, and smart, and hard worker, and - let's be honest - white. That's a huge plus nowadays... Go out and get a blowjob.
- Anthony Soprano, Jr.: I don't want a blowjob!
- Tony Soprano: Keep your voice down.
- Anthony Soprano, Jr.: Why? Who's listening out there?
- Tony Soprano: Nobody.
- [Carmela opens the door]
- Anthony Soprano, Jr.: Ah, fuck me!
- Carmela Soprano: It's better to have loved than lost, A.J. It's better to have loved and lost, A.J.
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: [incredulous] What?
- Tony Soprano: It is.
- Carmela Soprano: You've heard the term "comfort food". Maybe it'll make you feel better.
- Anthony Soprano, Jr.: I know this is hard for you to believe, but food may not be the answer to every problem.
- Tony Soprano: Neither is acting like a whiny little bitch.
- Tony Soprano: You knock off early, we, uh, go back to your place, christen those new sheets you were telling me about.
- Lori: The man with the plan, huh?
- Tony Soprano: Uh, the man with the erection.
- Stan: [Talking privately in a stairway] your boss is your uncle?
- Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah.
- Stan: That's got to add to the source.
- Christopher Moltisanti: [Referring to Tony] we used to be some pair.
- Stan: you produce movies? the stress is already too high.
- Christopher Moltisanti: I have a happy marriage but there was a woman she worked with us in a club we had, she became a problem that had to be dealt with and I sided with him, but he never really appreciated it give, give, give, it's all I ever do.I think that's where our relationship got poisoned.
- Tony Soprano: [sees Chris barbecuing] Oh, look at that wrist action! All those years yankin' it are finally startin' to pay off.
- Christopher Moltisanti: [raises glass] To business.
- Paulie Walnuts: You're goin' to jinx me? Toast with water?
- Christopher Moltisanti: Club soda. What's your problem?
- Paulie Walnuts: You got the problem, my friend. You're a real fuckin' drip lately.
- Christopher Moltisanti: When I was usin', I was a disgrace; now I'm sober, and I'm a drip. The fuck you want from me?
- Paulie Walnuts: How's about bein' normal? That so fuckin' hard?
- Christopher Moltisanti: Actually, yeah, Paulie, for some of us it is.
- Paulie Walnuts: Don't get cunty, I'm breakin' your balls... What do ya say we take a ride? A little prime rib, on me.
- Christopher Moltisanti: Maybe next time.
- Paulie Walnuts: What are you watchin' your cholesterol now too?
- Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah. Fuckin' hilarious.
- [gets up and leaves]
- Christopher Moltisanti: You know, and I know, they were there to boost that shit.
- Paulie Walnuts: It couldn't wait, OK? I promised a load to Lenny down the Joint Fitter's Union.
- Christopher Moltisanti: What do I give a fuck? It ain't my union!
- Paulie Walnuts: Lower your voice, I got neighbors.
- Christopher Moltisanti: Fuck your neighbors! When are you gonna pay me?
- Paulie Walnuts: When you suck the money out of my ass! Now get the fuck out!
- Tony Soprano: What the fuck's with you?
- Carlo Gervasi: Root canal, they got me on oxycodone. My whole fuckin' head is numb.
- Tony Soprano: Well, that answers some questions.
- Carmela Soprano: [referring to AJ's depression caused by his fiancée breaking up with him] he's an emotional wreck!
- Tony Soprano: [after letting AJ attend a party at a strip club] and seeing a pair of tits is going to send him over the edge?
- Agent Dwight Harris: Hey, what's the good word?
- Tony Soprano: Can't complain
- Agent Dwight Harris: Sure, you could, Phil Leotardo. My first assignment out of the academy was in Brooklyn. Never cared for him. He tried to set up this other rookie, a female for rape and beating
- Tony Soprano: Listen, that subject we talked about: if I were to know something possibly terror related and help you out, could I "bank" the result in goodwill?
- Agent Dwight Harris: Well, what happens is, I would personally write you what's called a "5-k letter". It's a document setting forth your cooperation and service. It would be placed in your file, "if" you were ever convicted of a crime, it would be presented to a judge when he or she is considering sentencing guidelines
- Tony Soprano: There were a couple of guys. Arabs, Arabians maybe, they used to hang around the Bing and someone I know may have done some business with them
- Agent Ron Goddard: At the port?
- Agent Dwight Harris: [to Tony, after gesturing to Ron not to interfere and interrupt] you were saying?
- Tony Soprano: Alright, the point is they used to be around all the time these two, drinking, trying to tit fuck the girls whatever, and suddenly their disappeared. I mean completely: then a week or so ago I'm driving and see them with these other guys with the head gear, the beard and the whole "fundamental" bit, but there's nothing illegal going on over there, right?
- Agent Ron Goddard: What were they doing?
- Tony Soprano: Walking, then they meet up with this other group
- Agent Dwight Harris: You got a name?
- Christopher Moltisanti: [rushes into the back office of the Bada Bing strip club] Listen, I gotta talk to you
- Tony Soprano: Now?
- Christopher Moltisanti: It can't wait, this fuckin Paulie
- Bobby 'Bacala' Baccalieri: What happened?
- Christopher Moltisanti: [ignores Bobby, to Tony] He sent his idiot nephew and Jason Molinaro to my father in law's store: they boosted a palate of power saws
- Tony Soprano: They did?
- Christopher Moltisanti: Yeah, not exactly, Al caught them while they were there
- Tony Soprano: So, they did or did not take the saws?
- Christopher Moltisanti: They did, under a false pretense
- Tony Soprano: [irritated] And this what you couldn't wait to talk to me about?
- Christopher Moltisanti: They broke into the guy's store!
- Tony Soprano: [referring to him, Sil, and Bobby] Yeah, I hear ya, I get it but we're in the middle of talking about an ongoing potentially multimillion dollar proposition here
- Christopher Moltisanti: It ain't the money
- Tony Soprano: [surprised, sarcastically] Oh really? Well, I'm glad you feel that way
- Tony Soprano: [to Sil and Bobby] Palate of drills, you believe this shit?
- Tony Soprano: [to Christopher] Go have a Lime Rickey or whatever the fuck it is your drinking these days, and we'll be done in a few minutes
- Christopher Moltisanti: Forget it, alright? I got other shit to do
- Carmela Soprano: [after Meadow knocks on their bedroom door] Come in
- Meadow Soprano: I need to talk to you guys
- Tony Soprano: What's the matter? Finn?
- Meadow Soprano: No, not about me: AJ
- Carmela Soprano: what about him?
- Meadow Soprano: [referring to his fiancé Blanca breaking up with him] I know his upset but his been saying some "things" that are really disturbing
- Carmela Soprano: Like what?
- Meadow Soprano: Like "Nobody gives a shit about him", "What's the point of anything", stuff like that. I told you about that girl Hadley sophomore year, the one who threw herself off the library balcony? These are the exact kind of "things" she was saying, I don't mean to get you all upset
- Carmela Soprano: Of course not. I'm glad you said something
- Christopher Moltisanti: [over the phone] Hey, T
- Tony Soprano: Yeah, I'm here with some people and the Arabs from The Bing, what were their names?
- Christopher Moltisanti: [confused] Some people?
- Tony Soprano: exactly
- Christopher Moltisanti: [realizing who Tony's referring to] Oh fuck, yeah. Ahmed and Muhammad, what'd they do?
- Tony Soprano: [repeats the names to Harris and Goddard who are sitting nearby] Ahmed and Muhammad
- Christopher Moltisanti: You know, actually I got a cell phone number. I called him recently but he don't answer no more
- Christopher Moltisanti: [after looking at his cell phone for their numbers] 973-555-0146, tell me they're not gonna blow up the chemical plant or some shit
- Tony Soprano: I don't know, I'll call you later
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: I'm fuckin depressed, ok?
- Tony Soprano: you broke up, how long you wanna cry about it?
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: [referring to Blanca Selgado] She was my life
- Tony Soprano: Your twenty years old, you barely have a life and you're better off anyway. She was cute, ok? But come on, with another guy's kid to boot
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: She was the best thing that ever happened to me
- Tony Soprano: What you're going through, what you're feeling right now, it happens sometimes: everybody gets the "blues", there's a half a billion-dollar industry devoted to it
- Anthony 'A.J.' Soprano Jr.: What, Prozac?
- Tony Soprano: No, the music business: they write thousands of songs about this shit, "Tears on my pillow", "Mona Lisa", right?
- Patsy Parisi: How you doin?
- Tony Soprano: [referring to the envelope full of cash Patsy just handed him] This always helps
- Tony Soprano: [after seeing the large amount inside] Whoa
- Tony Soprano: [jokingly] God bless the NFL
- Patsy Parisi: I'll tell you, I owe a spot of it to my son. I was against this kid even going to college, but once when him and Carlo's kid started taking action on campus, as far as I'm concerned, he should stay until he gets a PHD
- Tony Soprano: Benefits of a higher education
- Patsy Parisi: Hey, don't get me wrong: his learning stuff too, the shit this kid knows about computers, he set up his mother with a whole website for her ceramics business
- Tony Soprano: You must be very proud
- Patsy Parisi: Believe me, I thank God every day
- Paulie Walnuts: How you doin kid?
- Christopher Moltisanti: The fuck? I left you four messages
- Paulie Walnuts: my flight was delayed, I just got home
- Christopher Moltisanti: And I've been dealing with Al for two days
- Paulie Walnuts: [dismissively] Just tell him to relax
- Christopher Moltisanti: [raises his voice] They busted into his store: his acid reflux is acting up, he woke up, Kelli got all upset
- Paulie Walnuts: It's my fault your father-in-law is a cry baby? They told him I'd take care of him, what's his problem?
- Christopher Moltisanti: I'm stupid now?
- Tony Soprano: I was coming here to quit, I had it all planned out, but guess what? My son's talking about suicide so I'm trapped here forever
- Dr. Jennifer Melfi: My God, what did he say?
- Tony Soprano: his girlfriend, fiancé, whatever, she broke up with him, his beyond devastated
- Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Would you like me to recommend someone for him to talk to?
- Tony Soprano: Carmela is getting a referral from our old pediatrician
- Dr. Jennifer Melfi: oh
- Tony Soprano: after that incompetent you sent Meadow to?
- Tony Soprano: [Referring to Patsy and Carlo] you know friends of mine have sons his age, their happy, ambitious, they fuckin take life as it comes
- Dr. Jennifer Melfi: I know it seems that way but do you really know these boys?
- Tony Soprano: I know what I see, my son crawled up on the couch in a fetus position when he should be out banging co-eds
- Dr. Jennifer Melfi: Have you talked to him?
- Tony Soprano: [Referring to Carmela] until I'm "blue" in the face. We both have, now we're afraid to talk to him because of what he might do. Obviously, I'm prone to depression, certain bleak attitude about the world but I know I can handle it. Your kids though, it's like when their little and get sick, you'd give anything to the world to trade places with them so they don't have to suffer and then you think you're the cause of it
- Dr. Jennifer Melfi: how are you the cause of it?
- Tony Soprano: [while walking over to him after seeing him turn over meat on the barbeque grill, jokingly] Oh, look at that wrist action! All those years yanking it are finally starting to pay off
- Tony Soprano: [referring to the beer Christopher's drinking] That non-alcoholic shit any good?
- Christopher Moltisanti: It's alright
- Tony Soprano: [after taking a sip when Christopher gives it to him, jokingly] Less filling, taste like ass
- Tony Soprano: [after Christopher chuckles] This is nice: about time you invited everybody over
- Christopher Moltisanti: It's Kelli's idea, she's been wanting to get her teeth wet with the entertaining
- Tony Soprano: Good thing, or else I'd never see ya
- Christopher Moltisanti: What're you talking about?
- Tony Soprano: [when noticing it on the grill] The steak's done
- Christopher Moltisanti: You think so?
- Tony Soprano: It keeps cooking even if it's off the flame: the juices
- Tony Soprano: [changing the subject] So, what's up with you? You've been like a ghost lately: your around one second then the next, your gone
- Christopher Moltisanti: I was by The Bing the other day
- Tony Soprano: for like five minutes
- Christopher Moltisanti: You know, you of all people should know how hard it is for me to be around that place
- Tony Soprano: I should? Why?
- Christopher Moltisanti: because you're in therapy, you understand the human condition at least. The truth is between the booze and the strippers over there, half of them are fuckin coke heads, it's hard you know? And Satriale's, that fridge full of beer, you know tough it is to eat sausage and peppers without having a cold one?
- Tony Soprano: Then just quit, you want a beer? Too bad, show some balls
- Christopher Moltisanti: [adamantly] I got balls
- Tony Soprano: I can't eat eggplant no more because of my stomach, it might put me into a relapse. Now believe me, I'd like to but I don't
- Christopher Moltisanti: It's not that simple
- Tony Soprano: Well, make it simple
- Christopher Moltisanti: [referring to alcohol and substance abuse] it's a disease, I inherited it, you know the problem with my mother
- Tony Soprano: I gotta be honest: this whole disease concept, I think it's bullshit
- Christopher Moltisanti: You know more than the leading scientists?
- Tony Soprano: I know a crutch when I see it
- Christopher Moltisanti: So, my dad? You obviously knew he had a "crutch"
- Tony Soprano: The fuck you talkin about?
- Christopher Moltisanti: Come on, huh? Between the coke and vodka and whatever else he was squirting up his arm, let's be honest about the great Dickie Moltisanti, my dad, your hero: wasn't much more than a fuckin junkie
- Christopher Moltisanti: [Referring to throwing little Paulie out a window] I did a stupid thing Tone, I won't deny it
- Tony Soprano: Stupid? I just hung up with Paulie, his nephew's got six broken vertebrates
- Christopher Moltisanti: I know that and I'm sorry but this is the second fuckin time Paulie flouted his authority to my face. This shit with the tools, I know he set up the deal with the Cubans but this my father-in-law we're talking about: my family
- Tony Soprano: In any case this bullshit could've been handled with a conversation
- Christopher Moltisanti: I came to the Bing remember? I tried to talk to you about it
- Tony Soprano: And I told you to wait and you left to go God knows where. I've got to be honest because this goes directly to what we've talked about more than once. If you were around more you'd have your finger on pulse problems like these would've squashed in the womb
- Christopher Moltisanti: Whether I'm around has nothing to do with it. He needed the tools? He could've left me a message
- Tony Soprano: [Sarcastically] we're supposed to leave phone messages about interstate hijackings now? How about faxes? Emails? Make it even easier for the cops. This is a face to face business, Christopher and yeah I'm going to talk to Paulie because believe me there's a few things he needs to hear. But in the mean time you figure out how much he owes for the tools and we'll deduct that against with what your going to owe for little Little Paulie's hospital bills