- Cappie: Greetings. Four score and seven years ago our fore fathers who art in Heaven hallowed be their name brought unto this continent Kappa Tau Gamma. Ye though we walk through valley of the shadow of death we fear nothing and neither will you. As tonight you all become men. But not the way you may be thinking we do not have hookers, which isn't to say we didn't try. Regardless you all have been brought here before us to participate in a ceremonial rite of passage it derives from the secrets of our rituals know as Crypteia where a boy is sent out into the wild to live off the land fight for his life while protecting his village if he wasn't devoured by those gnarly looking wolfie things then he returned to the village a man.
- Rusty Cartwright: Isn't that the beginning of 300?
- Cappie: We did it first! You must stay out here all night you can not sleep also the Spartan boys had to wear their battle clothes for 24 hours.
- Rusty Cartwright: They were out there for months
- Cappie: Silence! Oh yeah you guys gotta do some light gardening cause the weeds are getting a little bad back here and to be one with the earth which is something else they did back then. Alright see you guys in the morning when you're men. Be well.
- Cappie: Tonight, you all become men, but not in the way you might be thinking, we do not have hookers which isn't to say we didn't try.
- Rusty Cartwright: What's your major?
- Ben Bennett: Undeclared, I guess. Yours?
- Rusty Cartwright: Polymer Science.
- Ben Bennett: Bummer.
- Dr. Milton Hastings: Damn frat boys! You almost killed me! What are your names?
- Cappie: We're very sorry, sir.
- Dr. Milton Hastings: What fraternity are you in?
- The Beaver: But sir, we're just -
- Dr. Milton Hastings: Names!
- Cappie: We're the Omega Chis. My name is Evan Chambers. And you're kinda being a pansy about all this.
- Cappie: What kind of competition are we talking here? Who's got the most J Crew V-necks, wait, you might have us there.
- Casey Cartwright: This is my room. And speaking of things that are mine, I found out you kind of had sex with Evan Chambers.
- Rebecca Logan: I did. Rush night. And it was amazing!
- Casey Cartwright: Ok, please stop talking. Here's the thing, Evan Chambers is my boyfriend.
- Rebecca Logan: Oh my God! How awkward for you.
- Casey Cartwright: [to Rusty after he's been hazed] People can see you! People can see you standing near me!
- Rusty Cartwright: This is just kinda like ping pong. I was champion five years in a row at the Eagle Scouts.
- Cappie: Wow! You're in the Eagle Scouts...
- Dale: No! You've ruined my future and my kids future and my grandkids future, you've disrupted the space time Continuum. You, you gotta fix it, you gotta build a time machine right now!