Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV Series)

Ding Dong (2020)

Andy Samberg: Jake Peralta

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Quotes 

• Raymond Holt : [about Madeleine Wuntch]  What does that human blister want now? Does she intend to demote me even further? Or perhaps she'll transfer me to the swamps of New Jersey so I can patrol the sinkhole where she was spawned.

  Jake Peralta : Or it's possible the announcement has nothing to do with you.

  Raymond Holt : Oh, good thinking, Peralta. You're right. Maybe Madeline wants to inform us all that she's a Cheuksin.

  Jake Peralta : A what?

  Raymond Holt : A Cheuksin. A Korean toilet ghost, lives in an outhouse, wraps her hair around your throat and chokes you to death while you move your bowels.

  Jake Peralta : You know what? I will give you $6,000 if the announcement is she's a Cheuksin.

• Jake Peralta : Now, as you know, this decision has been quite hard upon me... Title of mine sex tape.

• Jake Peralta : Ever since I brought these tickets up, you guys have made my life absolutely miserable, but that ends now, because I've made a choice.

  Terry Jeffords : Cagney is sick. We don't know how long she has.

  Charles Boyle : We do know for Nikolaj. It's 36 hours.

• Jake Peralta : All right, full disclosure. I was trying to do that Bible thing and then one of you was gonna take the high road and say that rather than see the tickets destroyed, you would just bow out, and then that person was gonna get the tickets.

  Terry Jeffords : Nope. If I don't get them, no one does.

  Charles Boyle : Agreed. Boyles or bust.

  Terry Jeffords : Cut them up.

  Jake Peralta : I'm not gonna do that. I'm just gonna have to think of another way to figure this out. Stupid Bible with stupid lessons never solved crap!

• Jake Peralta : Hey there, big guy. You sure you're feeling okay about ending Charles' life?

  Terry Jeffords : Yep, my girls are gonna see this movie.

  Jake Peralta : Right, well, before you commit manslaughter, I do feel compelled to tell you that the movie only has a 38 on Rotten Tomatoes.

• Jake Peralta : Charles, why did you let Terry choose boxing?

  Charles Boyle : He didn't. I picked it.

  Jake Peralta : But you'll die.

  Charles Boyle : Don't worry about it. Boxing's in my blood. My Nana Boyle boxed in the Navy.

  Jake Peralta : I'm sure she did but... and hear me out... what if you're not as strong as your Nana Boyle?

  Charles Boyle : I can handle myself. She taught me her signature punch; the Strawberry Basket.

  Jake Peralta : That does not reassure me.