The Thick of It (TV Series)

Spinners and Losers (2007)

Paul Higgins: Jamie

Quotes 

• Robyn Murdoch : The Mail's got hold of a story about Ben being racist to a cleaner and saying racist things!

  Terri Coverley : Yeah, and they're gonna run with a headline "Uncle Tom's Cabinet", which is gonna be a really big problem for us, actually, because it's a very very good headline!

  Ben Swain : I'm not a racist! I'm so not a racist! One of my best friends is an Asian! No, I know that sounds...

  Malcolm Tucker : [to Jamie]  You! That's it! I'm not standing for that! It's over! You're fucking a dead man walking!

  Jamie : You think I leaked this?

  Malcolm Tucker : What do you think I am, seven years old?

  Jamie : Kiss my bollocks, this has got nothing to do with me!

  [to Ollie] 

  Jamie : It was you!

  Oliver Reeder : No, it wasn't fucking me! Why would it be me? I thought we'd be working together in the new administration!

  Glenn Cullen : The new administration! Listen to the First Lady!

  Oliver Reeder : Shut up, Glenn. Shut up.

  Jamie : I've got it!

  [about Robyn] 

  Jamie : It was fucking Johnny Mitchel here, it was her!

  Robyn Murdoch : I've leaked nothing!

  Jamie : What are you talking about?

  Robyn Murdoch : Other than the incidental leak, obviously.

  Malcolm Tucker : [to Jamie]  I know it was you. You're a pint pot Judas.

  Jamie : It wasn't me!

  Malcolm Tucker : A pint pot Judas!

  Jamie : I'm five foot ten!

  Malcolm Tucker : Well, you don't feel that.

  Glenn Cullen : Malcolm. It wasn't him. It was me.

  Jamie : Oh, fuck off.

  Oliver Reeder : No way. No way.

  Glenn Cullen : I've been leaking for 27 years, I know how it's done. I leaked!

  Oliver Reeder : You don't leak! Well, not from the mouth, anyway.

  Malcolm Tucker : Just fucking shut up. At least this is Hugh's Glenn. All you are, mate, is fucking Ben's Glenn.

• Jamie : Are you a horse?

  Cliff Lawton : Sorry?

  Jamie : Are you a fucking horse?

  Cliff Lawton : Um... dunno... what you mean... wh...

  Jamie : Are you a fucking horse?

  Cliff Lawton : Ok... No I'm not a horse.

  Jamie : Are you sure?

  Cliff Lawton : I'm sure.

  Jamie : You got a pretty fucking horsey face, and a bit of a horsey wife... are you a fucking horse? Are you?

  Cliff Lawton : Ok, leaving the wife aside for a second...

  Jamie : Are you a horse?

  Cliff Lawton : No...

  Jamie : EXACTLY!

  Cliff Lawton : -Categorically say I'm not a horse

  Jamie : You're not a fucking horse. You're no horse, and you're not a stalking horse. You are the real thing. We will ram you up Tom's arse so hard that he will have to shit out of his lying mouth.

  Cliff Lawton : Not a very nice image. It's motivating...

• Jamie : Malcolm, what's the fuck happening?

  Malcolm Tucker : Tom's in trouble.

  Jamie : Good.

  Malcolm Tucker : His numbers are falling.

  Jamie : Good.

  Malcolm Tucker : So I suggested that they take a look at another runner.

  Jamie : Claire Ballantine? Ok... I'm not hating that. That's not total shit.

  Malcolm Tucker : Are you in on this?

  Jamie : I'm not leaving it to you, hey? You couldn't organize a bum rape in the barracks.

  Malcolm Tucker : Au contraire.

• Terri Coverley : Could we have this conversation near some coffee, d'you think?

  Jamie : No.

  Terri Coverley : Thought not.

  Jamie : No, what we're having here is a secret conversation and I'm hoping that this time you can keep the fucking secret, because normally you're about as secure as a hymen in a south London comprehensive.

  Terri Coverley : Yep, well done. That's offensive on a number of levels in a very concise way.

  Jamie : The leaks are coming from in here.

  Terri Coverley : What, in the gents?

  Jamie : No, the leaks are coming from Richmond fucking Terrace, right? Now, I want you to find out who the mole is so we can play that game when the mole pops up and I smash it over the head with a fucking hammer!

• Malcolm Tucker : [answering his cellphone]  Terri, I think you've dialled the wrong number, this is not the Samaritans.

  Terri Coverley : Yes, very very funny. Listen, I've got something for you, a bit of intelligence. Jamie has got Cliff Lawton as his stalking horse.

  Malcolm Tucker : Who told you it was Lawton? Martha Karney's gardner?

  Terri Coverley : Malcolm, it was Robyn told me.

  [Tucker hangs up] 

  Terri Coverley : Malcolm? Are you there?

  Jamie : [cut to Jamie and Cliff]  Nobody gives a shit if you got shuffted by Malcolm.

  Cliff Lawton : I will never ever forgive him for what he did to me.

  Jamie : Jesus, this isn't Eastenders! This is politics! We're all in the same playing pit, Cliff, there's no clean hands.

  Cliff Lawton : Alright.

  Jamie : [phone rings. Jamie answers]  Yeah?

  Malcolm Tucker : Jamie... What's that sort of droning noise in the background there? What, kind of boring, kind of low, sort of droning, boring, kind of miserable, whining, kind of, sort of boring noise going on?

  Jamie : Yeah, well you've got it wrong, yeah?

  Malcolm Tucker : Cliff fucking Lawton. Hey, nice. Was the Cillit Bang guy not availabe?

  Jamie : Fuck you.

  [hangs up] 

  Cliff Lawton : [reading from his speech]  "... to put it simply, I'm back!"

  Jamie : Oh fuck off, Cliff!

  Cliff Lawton : Sorry?

  Jamie : Fuck off! You're a busted flush! You're not gonna be any Prime Minister, you're not gonna be anything, so fuck off!

  Cliff Lawton : That's your thing, isn't it? Everything has to be in absolutes, everything has to be black and white. You know, "I love you -fuck off". There are lots of shades of grey, you know!

  Jamie : I know that, I'm looking at fifteen of them right now!

• Jamie : It's show time! Can Teflon Tucker save the Nutters or will Dan Miller rip his sculp off and use it as an oven glove?

  Nick Hanway : [Ben and Nick coming down the stairs]  Guys! Is he here? Dan's not arrived yet, is he?

  Malcolm Tucker : Laurel and fucking Hardy! Glad you could join us. Did you manage to get that piano up the stairs ok, yeah?

  Jamie : Oh, ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for The Right Honourable Dan Miller, MP!

  Dan Miller : Oh, the reception committee. What a turn out. And they say no one is interested in politics. Malcolm.

  Malcolm Tucker : Dan.

  Dan Miller : Nick.

  Nick Hanway : Dan.

  Dan Miller : Ben.

  Ben Swain : Dan.

  Dan Miller : Jamie.

  Jamie : God, enough with the pleasensies here, let's just oil up and get fucking, yeah?

  Malcolm Tucker : I'm looking forward to today.

  Dan Miller : Today should be very interesting.

  Malcolm Tucker : I just wonder what are you actually gonna be saying on Today.

  Dan Miller : On the Today program? Well I'll be saying that I'll be fully endorsing Tom. Tom's my guy and he always has been.

  Nick Hanway : Really? Is that it? No buts, no elephant traps?

  Dan Miller : No, no. Tom and I came to an arrangement about an hour or so ago.

  Malcolm Tucker : Well, my work here is done.

  Nick Hanway : Why wasn't I told?

  Jamie : [Jamie does a flying movement with his hand, complete with whistling. Nick looks at him in puzzlement]  It's the sound of you flying out of the loop head first into a huge mound of shite.

  Nick Hanway : So this whole evening has just been a waste of time.

  [Jamie does the flying thing again] 

  Nick Hanway : Yeah, yeah, I got it, got it.

  Dan Miller : Yes, yes, that's pretty much it. That's why I went home, had a good night's sleep. Oh, by the way, Malcolm, Tom said to liaise with you on the press and...

  Malcolm Tucker : Yes, yes, offfcourse, yeah...

  [Tucker recieves a message on his beeper] 

  Malcolm Tucker : Oh, God. Oh, I've been summoned to the breakfast meeting, to talk to Tom about this morning, some details about Claire Ballentine maybe, Geoff Holhurst, young Benjamin here.

  Nick Hanway : Fuck you very much, you unscrupulous bastard.

• Terri Coverley : [on the phone]  Hi, Jamie, what can I do for you?

  Jamie : I need you back here now.

  Terri Coverley : Oh...

  Jamie : Well I'm asking nicely, but if necessary I could come and kidnap you. I do keep a balaclava and gaffer tape in my car. No I actually do, do you hear me, Terri?

• Malcolm Tucker : So how's the rebrand going?

  Nick Hanway : Ok. We've booked him for a photo op on Tuesday, he's taking the family to a harvester.

  Malcolm Tucker : Oh, Jesus Christ. Really? "Have you been to a harvester before, Prime Minister?" "No, in fact I've never been actually out of the fucking house with my family before".

  Nick Hanway : Anyway, look, do you know the name of the guy who's booked to go on Today in the morning?

  Malcolm Tucker : Sure, yeah... Do YOU know?

  Nick Hanway : Yeah, we've just found out. So, you know who it is.

  Malcolm Tucker : Offcourse I know! There's nothing that you know that I don't know. I'm Doctor fucking Know.

  Nick Hanway : Who is it?

  Malcolm Tucker : Are you testing me now? 'Cause I could test you and we could have a big match of testostothone. I mean how do I know that you've got the fucking name anyway?

  Nick Hanway : Because Hugo at Today told us.

  Malcolm Tucker : Right.

  Nick Hanway : So what name have you got?

  Malcolm Tucker : [long pause]  Dan Miller!

  Nick Hanway : Oh, ok, so you do know...

  Malcolm Tucker : 'course I fucking do...

  Nick Hanway : Look, Tom's announcing his team in the morning and I got to to stop Dan Miller from announcing his team two hours before we announce ours, so if you wanna get on the bus...

  Malcolm Tucker : That is my mission. You, mister Nutty-Bar, have given me a task. Jesus Christ! Who the fuck does Tom think he is?

  Nick Hanway : The next Prime Minister of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Malcolm.

  [Turning to leave] 

  Malcolm Tucker : Nick. Tell mighty fucking Tom that his transition will be as smooth as a Brazilian's fudd.

  Jamie : [Jamie comes into the office]  Oh, Trinny and Susannah! I'm sorry to burst into your little fucking boutique, but you've got a fight on your hands! That's all I'm saying, I'm backing a rival candidate, so fuck you and fuck you and your Nutter coronation 'cause it ain't happening!

  Nick Hanway : You're backing Dan Miller, are you?

  Jamie : No, I'm not backing Dan Miller, don't you fucking ever ask me a question again!

• Jamie : Have you been talking to Malcolm?

  Robyn Murdoch : No, should I have?

  Jamie : Who did you mention Cliff Lawton to, then?

  Robyn Murdoch : Only Terri.

  Jamie : For fuck's sake woman! What is your fucking problem? No no no, don't answer that, we'll be here all fucking night!

• Jamie : [on the phone]  No, no, he is a nice guy, it's just that apparently every eighteen months, two years he burns out. Takes a truck booth full of Prozac to get him righted.

• Jamie : [on the phone to Terri]  The results of this new immigration shit are hittings us and I need you in here now to eat that shit!

• Malcolm Tucker : You've got that bullshit Watford story covered, yeah?

  Jamie : Yeah.

  Malcolm Tucker : You and I will have a little discussion later!

  Jamie : I think Watford will get bumped by the fact that we're about to hand the nuclear codes to a guy who, every now and then, loses it so bad he needs SatNav to find his own nipples.

  Malcolm Tucker : What are you talking about?

  Jamie : I just thought it was fair to let everyone know about the Tom rumors, you know. How the guy who's about to become Prime Minister chuggs antidepressant like they're fucking Smints. How the black dog humps his leg and shits in his duvet every four months! I think that they'll bump the Watford walkout.

  Malcolm Tucker : You gone fucking psycho, son. Fucking psycho. Twat!

  Malcolm Tucker : [cut to Number 10, Nick and Malcolm are both on the phone]  The leader of the Nutters is a nutter! Jesus , my niece is funnier than that, she just makes jokes about poo! No, I don't think that they will run with it because it's liveless. It's just as liveless as the Hugh Edwards rumor. Look, it's not my jurisdiction anyway, Nick Hanway looks after Tom, not me. Thanks, bye!

  Nick Hanway : Oh you're not dealing with this then?

  Malcolm Tucker : Yes I am dealing with it, but oficially you're dealing with it, because I don't wanna step on any toes.

  Nick Hanway : Everyone gets down now and again, don't they? Loads of people take antidepressants, millions.

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah, your potential Prime Minister, for one.

  Nick Hanway : Oh, "your" potential Prime Minister, not "ours".

  Malcolm Tucker : Oh look, don't start with the fucking semantics shit again. You know what I call "semantics"? Wank!

  Nick Hanway : So, what do you say, we bury it?

  Malcolm Tucker : Are you asking me to manage this?

  Nick Hanway : Tom's not sure about you.

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah, Tom's enormously mental in the head, that's what we've just been discussing.

• Jamie : [to Robyn and Terri]  Hey, Desperate Houswifes! You found out who's leaking yet?

  Glenn Cullen : I have! It's Julius! He's just told me.

  Jamie : Julius? Nicholson? That-baldie-pussy? I tell you, if you think he's leaking now, wait till you see him when I'm finished with him! He'll look like fucking Mel Gibson's Jesus!

• Jamie : Nicholoson! The immigration shit, it was you, wasn't it? You mimsy bastard quisling leak fuck!

  Julius Nicholson : Sorry?

  Jamie : Yeah, you will be sorry, you inflatable cock!

• Jamie : You, Julius Nicholson, being of a sound mind, with a body that looks like a giant sex toy, did knowingly do us up the shithole by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am gonna have your guts as a skipping rope, then rip yor lungs out, sun-dry them and turn them into a little fucking waist-coat!

• Jamie : Oh, Trinny and Susanna! I'm sorry to burst into your little fucking boutique, but you've got a fight on your hands! That's all I'm saying, I'm backing a rival candidate, so fuck you and fuck you and your Nutter coronation 'cause it ain't happening!

  Nick Hanway : You're backing Dan Miller, are you?

  Jamie : No, I'm not backing Dan Miller, don't you fucking ever ask me a question again!

  Malcolm Tucker : Fatty?

  Jamie : Oh, aye, Fatty, wee Spiderman in his fucking pijamas, what a fucking idea. From now on it's a proper fight! It's a pomp-fight, Motherwell rules! And Tom is gonna get a pint glass in his fucking eye and a pool cue up his arse and another pool cue in his other fucking eye!

  Malcolm Tucker : Geoff Holhurst!

  Jamie : What, Mister Baby New Potato-Head? Fuck off.

• Jamie : Ok, the line is "Wildcat walkout, we'll be talking to the unions, it's too early to comment". Off the record, union neandarthals with brains the size of children's bogies couldn't take the heat of Hugh Abbot's ring-stinging shit hot public sector reforms, but he is flying back like Harrison Ford with a big whip in one hand and a skinny latte in the other and he is gonna whip six shades of shit out of them and save the world, ok?

  Robyn Murdoch : I think I've got that..."... six shades of shit..."

  Jamie : So, what are you doing?

  Robyn Murdoch : I'm just making a note of some of the things you said...

  Jamie : No, don't take notes, get on the fucking phone, start pumping the line, ok?

  Robyn Murdoch : Right.

  Jamie : Oh, hey, and don't look so scared, hey? It's gonna to be allright, I'm being polite, aren't I?

  Robyn Murdoch : Yeah, well, sort of.

  Jamie : Exactly, so get on it, you fucking hippie, or I will personally have you as a light supper.

• Jamie : Oh fuck off Cliff.

  Cliff Lawton : Sorry?

  Jamie : Fuck off. You're a busted flush, you're not gonna be Prime Minister. You're not gonna be anything so fuck off.

  Cliff Lawton : This is your thing isn't it, everything has to be in absolutes, everything has to be in black and white you know, I love you - Fuck off. There are lots of shades of grey you know!

  Jamie : I know I'm looking at 15 of them right now.

• Jamie : Are you a horse?

  Cliff Lawton : Sorry?

  Jamie : Are you a fucking horse?

  Cliff Lawton : No.

  Jamie : You've got a bit of a horsey face, and a fucking horsey wife. Are you a horse?

  Cliff Lawton : No. I can categorically state...

  Jamie : EXACTLY!

  Cliff Lawton : ...that I'm not a horse!

  Jamie : Exactly! You're no horse. And you are not a stocking horse. And we are going to ram you up Tom's arse SO hard, he has to shit out his lying mouth.

  Cliff Lawton : Very unpleasant image. But, quite motivating.

• Jamie : Oh, Trinny and Susannah! I'm sorry to burst into your little fucking boutique, but you've got a fight on your hands! That's all I'm saying, I'm backing a rival candidate, so

  [to Tucker] 

  Jamie : Fuck you and...

  [to Nick] 

  Jamie : ...fuck you and your Nutter coronation 'cause it ain't happening!

  Nick Hanway : You're backing Dan Miller, are you?

  Jamie : No, I'm not backing Dan Miller, don't you never fucking ask me a question again!

• Jamie : [to Julius]  Eat the fucking cheese! Eat the cheese, Nicholson!

• Jamie : Malcolm, what's the fuck happening?

  Malcolm Tucker : Tom's in trouble.

  Jamie : Good.

  Malcolm Tucker : His numbers are falling.

  Jamie : Good.

  Malcolm Tucker : So I suggested that they take a look at another runner.

  Jamie : Claire Ballantine? Ok... I'm not hating that... That's not total shit.

  Malcolm Tucker : Are you in on this?

  Jamie : I'm not leaving it to you, you couldn't organize a bum rape in the barracs.

  Malcolm Tucker : Au contraire.

• Jamie : [to Terri and Robyn]  Hey, Desperate Housewives! You found out who's leaking yet?

  Glenn Cullen : I have! It's Julius! He's just told me.

  Jamie : Julius? Nicholson? That-baldie-pussy? If you think he's leaking now, wait till you see when I'm finished with him! He'll look like fucking Mel Gibson's Jesus! Fuck!

• Malcolm Tucker : [on the phone]  Jamie... What's that sort of droning noise in the background there? What, kind of boring, kind of low, sort of droning, boring, kind of miserable, whining, kind of, sort of boring noise going on?

  Jamie : Yeah, well you've got it wrong!

  Malcolm Tucker : Cliff fucking Lawton. Hey, nice. Was the Cillit Bang guy not available?

  Jamie : Fuck you.

• Jamie : You, Julius Nicholson, being of a sound mind, with a body that looks like a giant sex toy, did knowingly do us up the shithole by passing confidential information to the enemy! And I am gonna have your guts as a skipping rope, and your lungs sun-dried and turned into your little fucking waistcoat!

• Jamie : [to Nick]  It's the sound of you flying out of the loop head first into a huge mount of shite.

• Jamie : Enough with the pleasantries, let's just oil up and get fucking, yeah?

• Jamie : [to Julius]  Eat the cheese! Eat the fucking cheese!