The Thick of It (TV Series)

Spinners and Losers (2007)

Joanna Scanlan: Terri Coverley

Quotes 

• Robyn Murdoch : The Mail's got hold of a story about Ben being racist to a cleaner and saying racist things!

  Terri Coverley : Yeah, and they're gonna run with a headline "Uncle Tom's Cabinet", which is gonna be a really big problem for us, actually, because it's a very very good headline!

  Ben Swain : I'm not a racist! I'm so not a racist! One of my best friends is an Asian! No, I know that sounds...

  Malcolm Tucker : [to Jamie]  You! That's it! I'm not standing for that! It's over! You're fucking a dead man walking!

  Jamie : You think I leaked this?

  Malcolm Tucker : What do you think I am, seven years old?

  Jamie : Kiss my bollocks, this has got nothing to do with me!

  [to Ollie] 

  Jamie : It was you!

  Oliver Reeder : No, it wasn't fucking me! Why would it be me? I thought we'd be working together in the new administration!

  Glenn Cullen : The new administration! Listen to the First Lady!

  Oliver Reeder : Shut up, Glenn. Shut up.

  Jamie : I've got it!

  [about Robyn] 

  Jamie : It was fucking Johnny Mitchel here, it was her!

  Robyn Murdoch : I've leaked nothing!

  Jamie : What are you talking about?

  Robyn Murdoch : Other than the incidental leak, obviously.

  Malcolm Tucker : [to Jamie]  I know it was you. You're a pint pot Judas.

  Jamie : It wasn't me!

  Malcolm Tucker : A pint pot Judas!

  Jamie : I'm five foot ten!

  Malcolm Tucker : Well, you don't feel that.

  Glenn Cullen : Malcolm. It wasn't him. It was me.

  Jamie : Oh, fuck off.

  Oliver Reeder : No way. No way.

  Glenn Cullen : I've been leaking for 27 years, I know how it's done. I leaked!

  Oliver Reeder : You don't leak! Well, not from the mouth, anyway.

  Malcolm Tucker : Just fucking shut up. At least this is Hugh's Glenn. All you are, mate, is fucking Ben's Glenn.

• Terri Coverley : Could we have this conversation near some coffee, d'you think?

  Jamie : No.

  Terri Coverley : Thought not.

  Jamie : No, what we're having here is a secret conversation and I'm hoping that this time you can keep the fucking secret, because normally you're about as secure as a hymen in a south London comprehensive.

  Terri Coverley : Yep, well done. That's offensive on a number of levels in a very concise way.

  Jamie : The leaks are coming from in here.

  Terri Coverley : What, in the gents?

  Jamie : No, the leaks are coming from Richmond fucking Terrace, right? Now, I want you to find out who the mole is so we can play that game when the mole pops up and I smash it over the head with a fucking hammer!

• Glenn Cullen : Tom's lot has gone into a huddle.

  Oliver Reeder : What, already?

  Glenn Cullen : This is it, you know. This is where it begins. Who's in, who's out. Fatty is out.

  Oliver Reeder : At least he'll spend more time with his fridge.

  [Tucker arrives] 

  Malcolm Tucker : Has anybody seen Jamie?

  Glenn Cullen : Why? Have you lost him?

  Oliver Reeder : Don't tell me he's gone feral, 'cause he was fucking terrifying when you had him on the leash!

  Malcolm Tucker : Let's not overreact.

  Oliver Reeder : Easy for you to say, he threatened to shove an ipod up my cock!

  Malcolm Tucker : You get that alot, though, don't you? Who it is that's booked to go on Today tomorrow, do you know?

  Terri Coverley : I could find out...

  Glenn Cullen : It could be Bob Ryan.

  [everyone laughs] 

  Oliver Reeder : That's exactly who it's gonna be.

  Malcolm Tucker : Yeah Glenn, probably Bob Ryan. For fuck's sake! Have you gone back in fucking time? Yeah, I believe Disraeli's standing as well.

  Terri Coverley : And Oliver Cromwell.

  Oliver Reeder : Also fish who hasn't crowled onto the land yet to form the first tetrapod.

  [everyone stare at him] 

  Oliver Reeder : I was hearing maybe... Geoff Holhurst?

  Malcolm Tucker : Geoff? No fucking way, no, he's ruled himself out for definite. Mind you, I could always go and fire a warning shot across his throat.

• Robyn Murdoch : I just don't know what to say when the bloggers and the diary writers hit me with "what about this rumor?". I'm just not comfortable lying.

  Terri Coverley : Oh for God's sake, Robyn. Bloggers! Just tell them to bloody well sod off to their grubby dingy little bedrooms.

  Robyn Murdoch : Now I'm getting calls about Geoff Holhurst, about him standing.

  Oliver Reeder : About Geoff? Calls about that already?

  Terri Coverley : Geoff Holhurst? For leader? That would be extraordinary, very bizzare, he's got such a tiny head!

  Oliver Reeder : You're right, actually, he's got a miniature head!

  Robyn Murdoch : Is Geoff's tiny head standing? Is he out in the cold?

• Malcolm Tucker : [answering his cellphone]  Terri, I think you've dialled the wrong number, this is not the Samaritans.

  Terri Coverley : Yes, very very funny. Listen, I've got something for you, a bit of intelligence. Jamie has got Cliff Lawton as his stalking horse.

  Malcolm Tucker : Who told you it was Lawton? Martha Karney's gardner?

  Terri Coverley : Malcolm, it was Robyn told me.

  [Tucker hangs up] 

  Terri Coverley : Malcolm? Are you there?

  Jamie : [cut to Jamie and Cliff]  Nobody gives a shit if you got shuffted by Malcolm.

  Cliff Lawton : I will never ever forgive him for what he did to me.

  Jamie : Jesus, this isn't Eastenders! This is politics! We're all in the same playing pit, Cliff, there's no clean hands.

  Cliff Lawton : Alright.

  Jamie : [phone rings. Jamie answers]  Yeah?

  Malcolm Tucker : Jamie... What's that sort of droning noise in the background there? What, kind of boring, kind of low, sort of droning, boring, kind of miserable, whining, kind of, sort of boring noise going on?

  Jamie : Yeah, well you've got it wrong, yeah?

  Malcolm Tucker : Cliff fucking Lawton. Hey, nice. Was the Cillit Bang guy not availabe?

  Jamie : Fuck you.

  [hangs up] 

  Cliff Lawton : [reading from his speech]  "... to put it simply, I'm back!"

  Jamie : Oh fuck off, Cliff!

  Cliff Lawton : Sorry?

  Jamie : Fuck off! You're a busted flush! You're not gonna be any Prime Minister, you're not gonna be anything, so fuck off!

  Cliff Lawton : That's your thing, isn't it? Everything has to be in absolutes, everything has to be black and white. You know, "I love you -fuck off". There are lots of shades of grey, you know!

  Jamie : I know that, I'm looking at fifteen of them right now!

• Terri Coverley : [on the phone]  Hi, Jamie, what can I do for you?

  Jamie : I need you back here now.

  Terri Coverley : Oh...

  Jamie : Well I'm asking nicely, but if necessary I could come and kidnap you. I do keep a balaclava and gaffer tape in my car. No I actually do, do you hear me, Terri?